Average Life Spam

So Delicious!!

2010-10-13T15:28:00.000-05:00

I'm becoming a gin drinker!

This isn't something that just started to happen, it's something I planned and have been working very hard at since the beginning of summer.

Last June, Angel decided to throw a martini party for her birthday. I wasn't really a fan of martinis up until then but I decided that I would jump on board. As with every other aspect of my life I started to do a bit of research on the martini.

One thing I found out right away was that there are 2 main types of martini that are prevalent these days. One made with gin and one made with vodka.

The vodka martini is the most popular because it is the easiest to drink. So right away I was kind of turned off of the vodka. I'm not usually one to do something because it's popular. I then discovered that there is a community of classic gin martini drinkers who look down their noses at the vodka martini because it is not, by definition, a martini.

Eureka! I was sold on the gin! A chance to be an elitist martini snob and prevent myself from becoming too trendy at the same time! Yes sir, I was going to be renowned as the guy who drinks gin. People would say, "See that guy over there? Yeah, he only drinks gin!"

As i continued my research I found that Winston Churchill was a martini drinker. His recipe was as follows:

Stir 3-4 ounces of gin in a glass with ice
Strain into a chilled, stemmed martini glass
Garnish with olive
Look at a bottle of vermouth

This was the recipe I decided I was going to use for my martinis!

The night of the martini party arrived and with it my very first martini. I strayed from the recipe above and actually added vermouth to my first drink. It looked perfect! So crisp. So clear. So refreshing to look at. I tipped the frosty glass to my mouth and took a sip of my new favorite beverage. It was god awful! My eyes popped out and my mouth started to twist and writhe. It tasted like bug spray! The words that came out of my mouth were, "Oh! It's so delicious!" but nobody was fooled.

I worked hard that night! As the evening progressed I added less vermouth until I was drinking straight gin. The taste never did improve nor did the look on my face after each hideous swig.

A lesser man would have given up after that, but not I! Straight Gin! That was going to be my drink!

I'm on my third bottle in four months. The taste hasn't improved in the least however the look on my face after I take a drink has. Enough so that I was prepared to drink gin in public. We went to a local pub and I ordered up a gin martini. I was pretty excited about it so I was crushed when the waitress came back and told me they didn't have the ingredients for a martini. "???" What? They don't have gin? So I'm still waiting on that public martini deal.

My martinis have become less elaborate over time. The olive is long gone! The fancy martini glass has not been used since that very first night. I've sunk as low as to drink them out of a big blue Tupperware cup when we were camping. Now I prefer a regular old highball glass with a few ounces of gin and a big chunk of ice.

So now I'm a hardcore 50's style drinker. I like to sit back on a cool autumn evening beside a roaring fire and slowly sip on a glass of gin on the rocks...and shudder ever so slightly after each sip!

Meet T-Dog

2010-08-06T16:10:00.000-05:00

The other day we were driving to a park to have a family cookout. The kids were in the back and Tony and Angel were in the passenger seat. Tony, as usual, had his head poking out of the window of the van enjoying the wind in his face. I was driving along minding my own business when Angel gave a startled shout. I looked over and saw Tony tap dancing in mid air. He'd accidentally stepped on the "window-up" button on the door and managed to roll his own head up in the window.

That's the kind of dog Tony is!!

I'm Magellan, I'm So Gellin'!

2010-07-20T13:53:00.001-05:00

I've been using hair gel for a couple of years and I have yet to figure out the different levels of "hold" they've come up with to distinguish their products.

The brand I normally buy comes in 5 different varieties: X-Hard Hold, Extra Hold, Mega Hold, Strong Hold and Hard Hold. Not one of these varieties tells me anything about the quality of the product. To me they all seem suspiciously similar.

Strong vs Hard?? Is one type hard yet weak and the other strong but soft? I've used both and they seem very comparable. I'm pretty sure that Hard and Strong are exactly the same gel, only one is orange and the other is blue.

Then there is this "Mega" business. Can someone tell me what this means? I understand how the words strong and hard might relate to hair gel but what is mega? Is it Mega Strong or Mega Hard? Maybe it's Mega Both! I'd like to think that they mean Mega Awesome or Mega Sexy but what if they really meant Mega Ugly or Mega Stupid? They can't just use a word like that to describe gel! They might as well call it "Mystery Hold"! All I can discern about this product is that it surpasses all other gels in some unknown way. My guess is that it is the same stuff that is found in Strong and Hard, except it's pink (make that Mega Pink)!

Next we have Extra Hold. This is very similar to the conundrum we faced with that whole "Mega Hold" enigma. It has some special property that is a little bit extra from the other gels. We don't know what it is and we probably wouldn't or couldn't understand it even if they filled us in. We should probably just be quiet and buy the product and just believe that we are getting a little "Extra". Extra strong? Extra hard? Extra green? We don't know, we just buy. If it has extra anything we feel like we just got a hell of a deal! Just one thought though...what if we were getting Extra Mega?

I think I just blew my own mind!

Finally there is X-Hard Hold! You know it's good when it has an X in it! This gel must be eXtreme! I can't even tell you what color the gel inside the bottle is because the container is black! You don't even get to see this stuff, it's that eXtreme!! This must be the gel of skydivers and lion tamers and all other such eXtreme activity partakers. If it's good enough for a lion tamer it must be OK for me! Of course I'm making a big assumption about what the X stands for. What if it really stands for "Exacerbated"? The last thing I would want to do is aggravate my, already difficult to manage, hair. Until I find out exactly what that X means I'm staying away from that one!

I'm sure they have spent a lot of money to come up with all of these different varieties of gel to suit every persons needs however it is wasted on the likes of me. I buy based on color. Some days I feel like orange and others I feel like blue, hell I've even felt like pink from time to time.

Some day I'll get one bottle of each and mix them up into a Franken-gel. I'll call it "Mega Strong Extra Hard Hold - X"! My hair will be like a mighty helmet and people will see me walking down the street and say, "There goes Astroboy!"

My Angel

2010-07-16T11:32:00.001-05:00

Today Angel and I celebrate our six month anniversary!

Six months ago my life changed. It was like I was sitting in a cold, dark room and someone threw open the curtains and I was suddenly washed in warm sunshine. Her love has given me life and I thank her for choosing me to be her One.

I greet each morning with a smile in my heart and I fall asleep every night in a comforting aura of peace knowing that Angel is in my life.

For the first time in my life I have a deep appreciation for poetry, love songs and romantic passages anywhere I can find them. I finally understand what the poets and writers are trying to say. I can relate to them because I feel everything that they describe. I’ve spent days trying to find the right way to express the depth and breadth of my love yet I can never come up with words that convey the strength and power of what I am trying to describe. My love is indescribable, it can’t be expressed with simple words.

Before I had Angel, I felt like I was facing the world alone. Now I have someone who I can depend on and trust to be by my side through all of life's ups and downs. Someone to share in all of life's victories, celebrations and rewards. Someone to help me make it through the adversities and troubles that will undoubtedly arise in life. She has given me a shoulder to lean on when I become overwhelmed and the strength and courage to confront things I’d rather not have to face. She is my lover, my partner and my best friend.

Angel is the most beautiful woman I have ever met. She is stunningly gorgeous and carries herself with an air of grace and dignity. She makes my heart skip a beat whenever I see her, she is absolutely breath taking! Her outer appearance perfectly compliments the beautiful person that is found within. She exhibits kindness, tenderness and understanding in every aspect of her life and treats every person she encounters with respect and honesty.

Angel has given me the greatest gift a person can give. She has given me the gift of her love. It is the greatest gift I could ever receive or ever hope to receive. I am humbled by the honor that she has bestowed on me. I don’t know what I have done to deserve the love of such a magnificent woman but I am thankful every second of every day and realized how truly blessed I am.

The last six month have been the greatest of my life…so far. I look forward to all of the months and years that shall follow as we carry on with our incredible, life-long, love affair.

Today I dare to dream, as I now realize that dreams do come true.

I love you Angel!

In Search Of...Sasquatch!

2010-07-13T08:44:00.004-05:00

For some unknown reason the scientific community has been trying to cover up the existence of Sasquatch for years. Why would they do that? Is it part of some secret government conspiracy? Is it related to UFO's or Area 51? I really don't have the answer to those questions. If I had to guess I'd say it probably has something to do with the Taliban.

Well I'm breaking this story wide open, right here and right now. Not only do Sasquatch exist, one tried to eat Angel and I last week!

Our tale of suspense and horror takes place just south of the town of Grandview, Manitoba on the night of July 2nd, 2010.

Angel, Apple Inc., and I had been visiting Angel's family in the Grandview area for the long weekend. We were staying at the farm of Angel's Mom on the night of our encounter. A night that I will remember until the day I die.

Angel and I had been set up in a camper which was dubbed "The Love Shack" out in the yard. It was perfect for us. A little home to call our own. We had all the comforts of being in the house with a bit of privacy, which we hadn't had a lot of. That night we went to bed and fell asleep for the night...or so we thought.

At around 3:00am Angel woke up because she wasn't feeling well. She tried and tried to fall back to sleep but was having no luck, so we decided to sit up for a while until the feeling passed.

We needed to track down a lighter in order to light a candle or two. Angel informed me that there was one outside in the gazebo so I headed out into the dark and foggy night to retrieve it.

Not long after my return we were lying in the bed chatting when suddenly the camper was bumped. It wasn't a light tap either, it was enough to make the camper rock back and forth.

"What the Hell was that?" we both asked.

At this point Angel closed the curtain so we wouldn't have to see the horrible monstrosity that was more than likely going to come in and devour us in the still of the night! This was good thinking on her part because it's always better to be eaten alive by something you can't see. I think that one can be found in the Boy Scout Manual.

There followed a couple of more bumps on the side of the Love Shack (at this point a more suitable name would have been the Shack of Terror!) and there followed the distinct sound of something rushing past making a creepy, high-pitched moaning sound!

As the panic was reaching it's peak we tried to reason out what it could be. We narrowed it down to a short list of likely suspects: Wolves, bears, chupacabra, wendigo or Sasquatch. We were leaning towards Sasquatch, which was bad news for us because it was the only creature on the list who could probably turn the door knob of the camper. Damn that Sasquatch and its opposable thumbs!

I couldn't believe that I had just been out there getting a lighter while this unknown beast was roaming the area in search of human flesh! I could have been killed! I had a picture in my head of Angel sitting in the camper and hearing me emit a short, strangled scream followed by the sound of a pack of ravenous Sasquatch fading into the distance as they drag my corpse away to be eaten! I was truly lucky to still be alive!

Mercifully, we never did hear any more noises after that. I assume that whatever it was, most likely a Sasquatch, had decided to move along and terrorized somebody else. Perhaps someone who failed to pull the curtains over their windows for protection.

At around 5:00am, after experiencing so much sheer terror and coming down off of our adrenaline rush we were physically and emotionally drained and were able to fall asleep for the remainder of the night.

The next morning we went out to investigate. We found the following:

2 broken off twigs outside of the door of the Love Shack (a la Blair Witch Project)
a long green streak of drool along one side of the camper
a dent with finger nail scratches right below the window that Angel had wisely closed the curtain over
A big black chunk of hair on the grass!

Based on this evidence I can say, without any doubt, that we were nearly killed and eaten by a Sasquatch that night. You can't argue with the evidence.

Some naysayers have already tried to convince us that it was something else, like the big black dog that sleeps under the camper every night, but they aren't fooling us. We were there! We experienced the terror of being under siege by the legendary Sasquatch first hand.

I only hope that we can shed more light on the menace that is Sasquatch so that we can learn more about this beast and so we can prevent others from having to go through the trauma that we endured that fateful July night.

NEW & IMPROVED!!

2010-06-25T14:04:00.000-05:00

Well after 18 months I am back at the ole blog and I'm doing better than ever. Over the last year and a half I have had some major improvements in my life.

I don't have the time or space to tell the entire story so here it is in point form:

Jules and I have broken up. Great news! She was a major source of negativity in all aspects of my life and the lives of the kids! I'm going to rename her on this blog as "The Bird" because she was like an albatross around the neck!
Custody is still not fully resolved but for the last 18 months we have been sharing 50-50 (1 week with me and 1 week with her). That will likely be the best I can get unless she does something to screw herself over.
I decided that I would never, ever have a relationship with another woman. I had my girls and that was all I needed. It would have to be an exceptional woman for me to even entertain the idea of getting involved with another lady.
I found an exceptional woman! She was under my nose all along, I've been working with her for a couple of years. We've been loving each other since January 16, 2010! Her name here will be "Angel" because she is one. I'm head over heels in love with her and I feel so alive. I've never known true love but I feel it now! She is the one! Yay for Me!!! Anyway Angel is my soul mate and she will be featured prominently in this blog from here on out.
She has a super cool daughter that is just turning 13. I shall refer to as "Apple Inc.". Steve Jobs should be firing out advertising checks to her. She's the biggest Mac fan I know and is always prepared to try enlighten anyone who doesn't know this! She's changing the face of home computing one person at a time!

So, I'd say my life is much better now than it was 18 months ago.

So that's the quick update. Now on with the regular observations, anecdotes and general strangeness that occurs in my average life.

I Got A Box Of Crackers

2008-12-30T16:08:00.004-06:00

Well, Christmas has come and gone for another year.

My most memorable moment this year happened on Christmas morning while the kids were opening their presents.

Angel or Devil was opening a gift from my parents. I knew already that it was a Webkinz, which was great, however the packaging caused an event that will stand out in my mind forever. The doll was wrapped inside a saltine cracker box.

As Angel or Devil unwrapped the box she said quietly, "Nana got me crackers." The poor girl actually thought she'd been give a box of crackers. It was heart breaking just to imagine myself at her age and in her place. I could literally feel what she was feeling.

What happened next almost makes a person want to cry.

She tried her very best to be positive about her gift no matter how lame it was. She said in her best fake happy voice, "It's to put on chicken noodle soup."

Normally I would have thought that this whole situation was pretty funny! But this was just too pathetic and sad! You could taste the disappointment that she was struggling so hard to conceal.

"Nana didn't get you crackers for Christmas!" I said, "Open that box up!"

She just sat there holding the box on her lap.

"Open the box, there is something inside!"

"For the love of God open that box!!", I couldn't stand watching her trying to cope with the thought of getting crackers as a Christmas gift. I just wanted her to be relieved of that disappointment.

Finally she put me out of my misery and opened the box and was much happier to see a Black Panther Webkinz rather than 4 rows of crackers. The disappointment was immediately erased and forgotten and she moved on to the next gift as if nothing had happened.

I was lucky enough to have capture the whole thing on video, so I can always go back and see how strong little Angel or Devil was in the face of what must have been a crushing disappointment.

It was a brief moment on our Christmas day but it had a big impact on me.

Stuck! Stuck! Stuck!!!!!

2008-12-11T15:55:00.003-06:00

One of my favorite Christmas movies of all time is A Christmas Story. I've watched it countless times and I've made the girls watch it countless times as well.

I guess that is what makes what Devil or Angel did last Tuesday so unexplainable.

Tuesday was a cold one here on the prairies. The temperature was around -10 C (-2 F). On this day after school Devil or Angel decided to stick her tongue on a metal pole. I'm still not sure about the events that led up to this decision. From what I hear from her sisters she just did it all on her own. Personally, I think there might have been a little coaxing going on. But I could see her doing it all by herself. What can I say, the kid is a daredevil.

Of coarse her tongue was immediately frozen to the pole which triggered extreme panic and screaming. I was told that a man came and pulled her off of the pole. At first I was under the impression that he just yanked her head back but was later told by Little Miss Can't Be Wrong that he poured a cup of water over her tongue while he pulled. This was a relief. It doesn't make it great but it does make it much less of a traumatic ordeal.

Regardless of whether it was a dry or wet removal, afterwards she bled like a stuck pig. As she was making her way back into the school she made sure to barf on the floor for good measure. I'm sure the janitor really appreciated that!

When I got home she was walking around and seemed to be doing OK...considering what she'd been through. She couldn't talk much because she had a big wad of tissue sticking out of her mouth.

She spent most of that evening sleeping on the couch. All that shock really does tire a person out!

The next morning she got up and I tried to get her to drink some milk. She took two sips and threw up on the floor. I cleaned that up (while I was trying to eat my own cereal) and then decided to give a cup of water a try. The same thing happened. So she got to stay home from school.

She was able to drink some liquids later on in the day but only via a straw pushed to the back of her mouth. She had some water, juice, thinned out pudding and a bit of soup. She wouldn't swallow her own spit though. She just let it accumulate and then let it fall out into a bowl. She basically didn't do anything that required any movement of her tongue.

Today she was good enough to go to school but still not eating solids. At least she was swallowing her own spit!

One day she will look back at this incident and laugh but it sure won't be anytime soon.

I knew that one of the kids would do this one day. I'm just glad that they were all present to witness a live demonstration of what happens when you put your tongue on metal objects in the winter and that they all get to see the aftermath.

I guess some things you just have to see to believe. At least she is now famous at the school as "The Kid Who Froze Her Tongue To That Pole". I can almost see the kids standing around the pole pointing at the fuzzy bits of tongue still frozen in place.

Y Is Everyone Naked?

2008-09-30T12:20:00.008-05:00

I've recently obtained YMCA memberships for myself and the kids and Friday we decided to go and check out the swimming pool for the first time.

We were pretty excited because it was a whole new experience for us all. We went in and scanned our cards and headed downstairs to the pool area. The girls headed into the ladies change rooms and I went down the hallway to the mens change room. As I walked through the door the first thing I saw was a set of cock and balls staring right at me. I was caught totally off guard. This was not something I was prepared for, in the least!

Somehow I'd forgotten that people got naked in the change rooms. I was in such a state of shock that I was afraid that I might have been staring and so I kept my eyes darting all over the place, mostly at the ceiling and upper reaches of the walls! The only thing more discomforting than all the male genitalia swinging around in that change room was the thought that I was soon going to have to join the guys in their nakedness.

I guess it's been a while since I've been to any public gym or anywhere else where I would be in close proximity to naked men. In fact it had probably been since high school.

I managed to get through the ordeal without too much trouble but it's definitely going to require some getting used to.

When we were all in the van going home I was telling the kids about how weird it was seeing all those naked guys.

Little Miss Can't Be Wrong's response was, 'That's Gay!'

To which I replied, "Seeing a guy's wiener doesn't make you gay! But if I said, 'Wow, that guys got a nice wiener!', THAT would have been gay."

BAD!!

2008-08-25T13:35:00.004-05:00

Years from now I hope I'll be able to look back on the last month and laugh, but at the present time I still get down right pissed off when I think about all the bullshit our youngest two kids have been doing this summer.

These two kids have been bad seeds for a long time now but recently they've turned the stupidity up to MAX.

At the beginning of the summer they started hanging out with a kid in "Angel or Devil's" class who lives a couple of blocks away. This was the first time we've ever let "Let's Go Crazy" and "Angel or Devil" go anywhere by themselves. Everything was working just fine for a while...and then the trouble started.

It began with the telephone. The kids were harassing this poor family at all times of the day. They'd call early in the morning and they'd call often. Why? To ask if they could come over. It got to the point where we had to tell them that they weren't allowed to use the phone without permission. They couldn't possibly care less! As soon as we turned our backs they'd be back on the phone again. No matter how many times we repeated this, they ignored it completely. I warned them that if they kept this kind of behavior up they wouldn't be welcome to play at their friends house at all.

The problems only got worse from there. Soon they started just leaving to go to their friends house without telling anyone. One minute they were sitting on the couch and the next they were gone. It was like a prison break! If their friend wasn't home they would roam the neighborhood looking for cat owners to talk to. It got to a point where we had to lock them in the house and lock up their bikes just to keep an eye on them.

One afternoon just after I'd arrived home from work Jules pointed out that there were a bunch of newspapers and flyers in our garbage bin. She thought that might be the reason we'd missed a few papers lately. She also suggested we phone the newspaper or the police to tell them that all of these papers were in the garbage. It's a good thing we didn't phone anyone because I found out later that our two kids had gone outside early in the morning, grabbed the bundle of papers and went around the block delivering them. The papers that we saw in the garbage were the ones that were left over.

Does this shit ever end? I hate to believe that my offspring can be so utterly stupid. All I can ask is WHY? Why would you do any of the stupid shit you do?

Through their routine of scouring the area for cats and cat owners they met a couple of people in the neighborhood. One was a nice lady (the kids called her The Cat Lady) who doesn't seem to mind having them around and actually enjoys doing things with them (this is the one good thing that came out of their mischief). The other was a 7 year old girl who has a cat and a trampoline. Both of these people were immediately added to the list of people to phone whenever nobody was looking.

Two weeks ago I had just gotten home from work when The Cat Lady arrived on our doorstep looking for the kids. She was trying to sort out a problem. It seems that she saw the kids walking a strange cat around on a leash shortly after she'd sent them home from her house. After a lot of questions it was determined that these kids had been somehow involved in a B & E at the 7 year old girls house!!!

Version one of the story, according to the kids, was this: They were walking home, minding their own business and as they were walking past the house in question 4 bigger girls were there and they went into the house via the upstairs window. These girls let the cat out at which point my kids put it on the leash.

At around 9:00 that night a policeman arrived on our doorstep looking for my kids. The story they gave him sounded a little different and a lot worse than the one they'd told us earlier.

They were walking home, minding their own business and as they were walking past the house in question 4 bigger girls went into the house via the upstairs window. They climbed a pole and got onto the roof where they pushed out the screen window and entered the house. Our kids followed them in the same way! While inside the house they played with the computer, hooked the cat onto the leash and phoned home (as we determined later after seeing the number on the call display). In addition to that the other girls were looking up some very inappropriate content online, playing with some musical instruments and eating snacks out of the fridge.

The policeman that came was great. He spoke to the kids and told them the possible consequences of doing something like that. He had a pretty good idea who these other girls were because of previous things they'd been involved in. When he was all finished I told the kids to thank the police officer for letting them off the hook this time. They stood there looking at the floor saying nothing at which point the officer said, "Are you going to say thank you or am I going to have to take you to jail?"

They couldn't say thank you fast enough then!!

So they spent the next week in the house, supposedly learning their lesson. We made them go to the house they'd broken into and explain what happened, apologize and offer their services for any chores that might need to be done. But it couldn't be that easy.

It turns out that these people are very religious (the father is a Baptist minister) and they thought the kids might benefit from a few Bible lessons in addition to some chores.

Although I'm not a fan of the church I have absolutely no problem with the kids being exposed to different beliefs. If they find something that they can believe in, that's great! But if I were a religious person trying to introduce small children to the Bible I don't think I would do it as punishment for misbehavior. What kind of message does that send?

Do something really bad = have to learn about God.

Whatever!!

So the first time the kids went over they picked some weeds and then talked about the story of Adam and Eve. Everything went fine and the kids came home with the homework of drawing a picture of something that God made.

The next time they went they did some dishes and acted like complete idiots. At some point "Devil or Angel" mentioned that God was a butthole. This did not go over very well at all.

Anyway they are done with that now.

Last week I got a call from a stranger telling me that he's been getting a lot of phone calls, every day, from our phone number. When he picks up all he hears is giggling on the line. You gotta love it when kids learn their lesson!! We finally had to remove the upstairs phone entirely and mount the downstairs phone on the wall where it is a little harder for short people to reach.

A few days ago a different neighbor came by the house because these two kids were throwing rocks at his window. Haven't we done this already!? Last year they broke the neighbors window by throwing rocks and this spring the police came by because they were throwing rocks at passing cars. They didn't break his window but he wanted us to know that if he sees them doing it again he will be calling the police. That's just what we needed, more good news to throw on the heap.

And finally there was last weekend.

Saturday night Jules and I went to see Dark Knight. We only get to go out by ourselves maybe once a year. Since Jules's Mom is visiting it was the perfect chance for us to get out. Right after we left the house the two younger kids started up. They locked themselves in the bathroom, dumped the laundry out, flipped the hamper upside-down and climbed on it to reach a tube of hair dye from the top shelf. Then "Let's Go Crazy" proceeded to dye "Devil or Angel's" hair pink. After this they continued their idiocy until Nana had to resort to locking them in their room.

These kids can't be trusted for a single second! The only way to make sure they aren't doing something wrong is to keep them in your sight constantly. This means no going to the bathroom, no talking on the phone, no using the computer, no watching TV. NOTHING. If you want to keep these two out of trouble you have to be prepared to spend your entire day following them around constantly.

Oh yeah! That girl from "Devil or Angel's" class, doesn't call anymore. Just as I'd predicted, they have been so much of a nuisance that their family doesn't want anything to do with our kids. "Well done kids!! In just one short summer you've managed to alienated all of the kids in the neighborhood who are in your age range!"

So where is "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong" in all of this?

She's just fine and acting like a normal 10 year old, thanks for asking. She's been hanging out at the pool and chillin' with her friend. No police have been looking for her, no neighbors have been complaining about her and nobody has called trying to put an end to any telephone harassment.

SMS: Stupid Messaging Shit!

2008-07-21T12:48:00.003-05:00

Everywhere you look these days you see zombified people holding their cell phones 6 inches from their faces furiously thumbing the shit out of their keypads. They enjoying the act of communicating via SMS (aka Text Messaging). You can find texters in stores, restaurants, at work, pretty much anywhere a cell phone can be used. They are easily recognizable by the pained look of concentration on their faces and the fact that they are completely oblivious to everything that is going on around them.

I hate cell phones to begin with and I especially don’t like text messaging. Personally I’d rather just phone a person than use SMS. It’s faster, it’s easier and it’s a much more clear and effective means of communication.

I could understand using text messaging under certain circumstances. Say you were meeting a friend at the Mall and were going to be late or something or maybe you want to remind someone to pick up some milk at the store. That would make sense. But to attempt to hold a conversation using text messaging seems foolish. Why spend 20 minutes typing back and forth, waiting for your texts to be received and their texts to arrive (there is no guarantee that texts will be delivered immediately) when you could call the person and get the same thing accomplished in under a minute?

The thing I hate about text messaging the most is the rudeness of it all. I can’t stand it when I’m in the middle of a conversation with someone and out of the blue they pull their phone out of their pocket because they’ve just received a text message. While I continue on with what I’m saying I see the person open up their phone and read their incoming message. At this point I’ve already concluded that they feel their text, although they haven’t even read it yet, is more important than whatever I’m saying. If the person is really obnoxious they will have no qualms about sending a reply to that text right then and there. Now they aren’t even pretending to be paying attention to what I’m saying. Why not just pick up a phone and start talking to someone while in the middle of a conversation? It’s pretty much the same thing.

There is another layer of rudeness associated with the above scenario. I’m not sure how to describe it so I’ll use an analogy.

Suppose you are sitting in a small room with a friend. You might be having a discussion or watching TV or eating dinner or anything, it doesn’t really matter. All of a sudden a stranger walks into the room and whispers something into your friends ear. Your friend whispers something back and the stranger leaves the room. Three minutes later the same thing happens again. Then again and again. If you are a normal person it wouldn’t take very long before you were thinking, “WTF??!”

I don’t see much difference between that scenario and hanging out with someone who is texting someone else, the only difference is that the stranger doesn’t physically come into the room and the whispering is done over the SMS network.

I decided to do a quick Google search on “text messaging etiquette”. The first result took me to http://www.wirelessdevnet.com/newswire-less/thefeature04.html and lo and behold the number one etiquette tip is:

Common courtesy still rules. Contrary to popular belief, composing an SMS while you're in a face-to-face conversation with someone is just about as rude as taking a voice call.

Pick An Era, Any Era

2008-07-09T13:19:00.004-05:00

I like to fantasize about what it would be like to be born at different periods of time. I'm pretty sure most other people do the same. I do it all the time.

I've considered what it would be like to live in the ancient Greece, the Roman Empire, Colonial America, Civil War era America and pretty much any other time and place. I think I have finally decided which time period would be the most ideal time to be born.

If I could choose a time and place to be born it would have to be the latter half of the 1940's in the Mid-West of the USA.

It's the perfect era! You just miss out on all the fun of the Great Depression and WWII. But you are still born late enough to take advantage of indoor plumbing and electricity. You are born at the beginning of the baby boom. The Economy is soaring. A family can live a good life on a single income.

Kids still got to experience unbelievable freedom to enjoy their neighborhoods and the outdoors because society wasn't yet obsessed with the fear of killers, pedophiles and drug maniacs. Kids could play Cowboys and Indians without being reprimanded about how politically incorrect it is to use the term Indians or to depict violence perpetrated by either side. Kids got to play with toy guns! Hell, most kids probably had their own .22 rifles.

Then there are the movies. This was a time when going to the show was an all day event. You didn't cough up $15 to see a 89 minute show in a cramped room . You paid a nickel and saw a couple of cartoons, some newsreels, a serial or two and previews of upcoming shows followed by a movie that was at least 2 hours long and you saw this in an old time theater with a second level and balcony seating.

I also think radio programs would have been cool. I would totally be into tuning in to episodes of Superman, Little Orphan Annie or The Shadow. I can only imagine how cool it would be to see television for the first time as a kid.

You would get to experience the emergence of rock and roll. The entire Elvis phenomenon, Buddy Holly, Chuck Berry, the arrival of The Beatles. You would enter the summer of love in 1968 at university age. That Vietnam War thing could be a potential problem though!

Also in those days life wasn't so commercial. You weren't inundated with advertising 24 hours a day. Business was business and politics was politics. Somewhere along the lines those two entities merged into the business of politics or the politics of business, however you like to look at it. There were only a couple of channels to watch on TV and there were no video games, which means people used to go outside of their houses for reasons other than to shop.

Imagine going on a family vacation in those days. Jumping into the family car and traveling route 66 across America in the late 50's or early 60's. What an incredible trip that would be!

Sometimes I just get so sick of today. Instant communication. 200 channels of shit on TV. Satellite radio. Cellular phones. Crime. Violence. Greed. Pop music and Rap. Fear mongering. Video Games. Computers. "Made in China" written on 90% of my household items because it's the most affordable.

I could go on and on. I suppose every generation wishes they could go back and live in a previous time.

I wonder what era a person who was actually born in the late 40's would choose as the ideal time to live?

New Friend In The Hood

2008-07-09T09:58:00.003-05:00

Last week the kids made a discovery. They were riding their bikes around the neighborhood when the came across one of "Angel or Devil's" classmates. It turns out that she lives just two blocks over from us! You can almost see her house from our back door!

This is great news!

I'll call the new kid Bangs because up until now her bangs have been her most prominent feature. When I came home from work the other day "Angel or Devil" and "Let's Go Crazy" were hanging out with Bangs and playing some video games. This gave me a good chance to check out this new intruder.

She seemed fairly normal from what I could tell. You can actually have a conversation with her, which is a real bonus! She gets the OK in my books.

The kids hung out for a while until Bang's mom called to tell her it was time to go home. Since we were heading out to the store anyway, the kids and I walked with her back to her house.

I met her parents and they too seemed to be pretty normal and down to Earth. Her Mom also said, "The kids can come over anytime."

This is what I was waiting to hear! She really doesn't know what she's getting into!

It looks like we might have a good thing going here. A handy, low-maintenance friend just down the road with normal parents who don't mind having the kids come over. For me, it's a dream come true.

My only fear is that my little troop of maniacs will queer the deal for us.

My kids don't have a very solid grasp of social etiquette. They assume that anybody would want them to visit at anytime. They see absolutely nothing wrong with heading over unannounced and asking if they can come in or even stay for dinner. No matter what time of day it is, they always want to go to her house. I know if they are ever out of sight that they will bolt to see what Bangs is doing or to see if they can come over. This is after just 4 days!

Another possible problem is the fact that my kids tend to travel in packs. Although this should just be a relationship between Bangs and "Angel or Devil" the other kids insist on going over too. Maybe they're afraid that someone might fart and they'll miss it!! I know I would get a little tired of having 2-3 kids coming over to my house all the time.

Additionally, my kids are becoming specialists in the art of telephone harassment. A couple of weeks ago "Angel or Devil" got invited to a Birthday Party. As is usually the case the invitation had the phone number listed for the party girl. So one day Jules answered the phone and it was the Birthday Girl's mom calling to complain about the dozen or so calls she'd been getting daily from "Angel or Devil". Sneaky bugger!

Now we can only hope that the family of Bangs won't be subjected to the mass calling treatment. "Angel or Devil" called at 9am last Saturday, which I'm sure was really appreciated. I also know that she has called and left messages for Bangs too. I'm hoping that she at least had something normal to say and didn't just start rambling on about buttholes, pee pees and farts or any of her other favorite topics.

We've got a good thing going here and I don't want the kids to ruin it by being too aggressive. We have to ease into this situation. We don't want to scare them away, after all. Maybe we need to send "Angel or Devil" over on some solo missions to ease the burden on Mother of Bangs. Also we should reciprocate a little more by inviting Bangs to play at our house every now and then.

It's great to see "Angel or Devil" with a friend in the neighborhood though. Now we just need to find a friend for "Let's Go Crazy" in our vicinity.

Family Camping Trip: Day Four

2008-07-09T09:56:00.003-05:00

We went home.

Family Camping Trip: Day Three

2008-07-08T10:14:00.005-05:00

On day three we woke up to a cloudless morning. It was going to be a nice day!

For breakfast we had bacon, eggs and toast and of course coffee. Nothing beats bacon and eggs when you're camping!

After breakfast I got to work on my morning project. Airing out the tent and sleeping bags. I took the fly off the tent and laid it out on the ground. Then I opened up the sleeping bags and left them to air out on top of the fly. This set up also gave Jules a perfect place to lay out and soak up some sun.

Broad and The Teach strolled by in the morning and handed their dogs over to the kids who promptly took them for a walk.

We then discussed the idea of going to the Super Slides. We figured we would head out just after lunch so we could enjoy the water park during the hottest part of the day. It was going to be expensive. There was no question about that. The admission is $22 for anyone over 7 and $11 for any kids under. They also had a family package for $55 which covers 3 people. We were able to reduce our cost a little by having Broad and The Teach take one of our kids in under the family package, leaving us with another family package plus an under 7 kid. We would only end up paying $77 instead of $99. It's not a good price but it is a better price.

The kids returned with the dogs and we told them that we were going to the waterslides after lunch. Excitement ensued. We'd been downplaying the waterslides because we weren't 100% sure that we wanted to blow $100 so they were happy to see us commit to the plan! We grabbed a quick lunch and away we went.

The water slides were only about a five minute drive from the campgrounds. We drove past Lake Kenosee and through the town of Kenosee itself. The lake was exceptionally stinky as we were driving by it.

The Super Slides were Super Busy! At $22 a head, they must have raked in a pretty good haul and it was still only around 1:00!

There was a slide called the Free Fall which is basically a 8 storey drop at the minimum incline required to keep you from just falling to the ground. It only runs for a couple of hours throughout the day, one of which ended just as we were in line to get in.

Next to the Free Fall is the Double Banzai. This is a pair of identical straight runs with two humps in the middle. I guess you are supposed to race each other on these ones. Next there are 2 tube slides and then 2 regular slides with a kiddie section at the end. At the base of the hill there is a giant hot tub and a huge circular moat that you can float around in a tube.

The first thing we did was grab a couple of tubes and jump into the moat. We were in the moat for no more than 2 seconds when we were told that we had the wrong type of tubes. To ride in the moat you have to use one of the two-person tubes which are available to rent for $5 each. Apparently the $22 admission isn't enough to cover the moat! Forget that!

We headed for the slides. Jules took "Devil or Angel" and I took "Let's Go Crazy". I asked "Let's Go Crazy" which slide she wanted to try out first. She didn't want to go on any of them! She was too scared! So we stood at the bottom of the slides and watched some people come down. I pointed out all the kids who were smaller than "Let's Go Crazy" hoping that she would see how much fun they were having and decide to give it a shot. Nope. Even after she saw Jules and "Angel or Devil" come flying out of the slide she refused to give it a try. I endedup taking her over to the kiddie section just to give her a taste. She went down the kiddie slides without any problems and eventually I had her convinced into trying out one of the tube slides.

We grabbed our tubes and started on the long walk to the top. We got to the top and were standing in the water at the top of the slide. I had just placed "Let's Go Crazy" on her tube when she went crazy. She started bawling and freaking out, basically putting on a good side-show for the people waiting behind us in line. Obviously this was not going to work. We picked up our tubes and did the walk of shame back to the bottom of the slides.

At the bottom I met up with Jules and "Angel or Devil". She decided to take "Let's Go Crazy" to the hot tub and let me take "Angel or Devil" on some slides.

First we went on one of the standard slides where I had to struggle to keep myself from flipping over onto "Angel and Devil" and riding her down the slide like a sled every time we hit a tight turn. Then we tried out one of the tube runs and that was the end of my water sliding adventure as "Angel or Devil" decided that she too wanted to go in the hot tub. I couldn't believe it $22 for two slides! They were fun and all but I wouldn't say they were $11 each fun!!

When we got to the hot tub I realized that everyone in our party was there! Apparently they'd already gotten their fill of waterslides and we'd only been there for an hour. "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong" wanted to float in the moat and "Let's Go Crazy" was content to stay as far away from the slides as possible. Jules coughed up another $10 for tube rentals for the moat and the kids occupied themselves with that for a little while.

Later on I took "Angel or Devil" over to the kiddies area where she had a blast riding down the short slides. What wasn't a blast was watching all the ignorant children jumping to the front of the line and the even more ignorant parents who were picking up their kids and dropping them down into the middle of a slide.

I think my favorite part of the slides was watching this biker looking dad carrying his scared and crying son over to the top of a slide. As he got closer to the slide his childs crying and struggling increased. Then the dad did what other dad's only THINK about doing. He tossed him screaming down the slide like a sack of potatoes. Now that's good parenting! Tough Love! Maybe that's what I should have done to "Let's Go Crazy" when she was wigging out at the tube slide!!

We stuck it out for a couple of hours and then packed it in. Looking back on it I'd have to say that the Super Slides were a colossal waste of money, however they did eat up an afternoon for us and if we didn't go the kids would have bitched and moaned for weeks afterwards.

On the way back to the campground we stopped and picked up some ice cream.

By the time we arrived back at the camp site everyone was feeling pretty tired. We were all sitting around the picnic table doing nothing in particular when we were startled by a huge blast. It sounded like a shotgun and it came from the direction of our firepit. We never did find out what caused it or if it came from our firepit or the next campsite but it sure scared the shit out of us.

We got started on making supper and the kids returned to the playground. Just before it was time to eat "Angel or Devil" wandered back to our site all alone. I asked her what she was doing and she told me that she threw up at the playground and near the playground. Apparently she'd had a little too much spinning on the tire swing. I asked here where her sisters were and she said they were still at the playground. Nice! Their five year old little sister gets sick and they make her walk back to the campsite alone. She still wasn't feeling very well so she went in to the tent to lie down for a while. She didn't get up until the next morning!

The kids returned from the park and we made them feel bad for their shoddy treatment of "Angel or Devil". We then ate our dinner which was burgers, pasta salad and chips. After dinner the kids bolted to the park again and Jules went and laid down in the tent with "Angel or Devil" to take a nap.

I spent the next couple of hours trying to keep myself occupied. I cleaned the dinner dishes. I read my book for a while. I played with the fire for a bit. Then I sat in a chair and stared off into space for a while and eavesdropped on the conversations of our neighbors.

Just as I was about to lose it from the boredom Jules got up. Right after that Broad and The Teach arrived. I asked them if they'd seen our kids and of course they had. They'd already taken off with their dogs! So Broad and The Teach sat down and we chilled out around the fire pit. They had some rye and gin and were mixing drinks. I didn't drink at all. I was so tired from hanging out in the sun and going to the water slides that any liquor would have put me to sleep instantly.

As darkness fell the kids returned with the dogs. Again the dogs were worn right out and spent the rest of their time sleeping on laps. The kids joined us around the fire for an hour or so before heading off to bed. They had some sparklers to light up which kept them somewhat occupied for a while but with no dogs to play with they became easily bored and ended up calling it a night.

Us grown ups only stayed up for another hour max. I was looking forward to listening in on the neighbors while I went to sleep because they were enjoying some beverages themselves. Once I got in the tent the sound of their voices was entirely obscured by the snoring of "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong".

Family Camping Trip: Day Two

2008-07-04T11:36:00.005-05:00

We all woke up at a decent hour, around 8:30 or so. As far as I know everyone had a comfortable sleep and we awoke warm and dry, which is always a good thing. The morning was overcast and there was a fair bit of wind but we were optimistic that the weather was going to improve.

We started off the day with a nice pot of coffee. Since this was our first year with electrical service we had to figure out what to do with it. We decided to bring the coffee maker. What a wise choice that was! Usually when we camp we subject ourselves to shitty instant coffee. I don't know what the deal is with that stuff!! It's definitely instant, I'll give it that much, but I don't see how it's coffee. Sure it looks like coffee, if you ignore the weird foam at the top, but I've never had real coffee that tasted like that! Anyway that's enough about instant coffee. We had nice French Vanilla coffee from a coffee maker and we loved it!

The kids ate the traditional tiny cereal boxes that are a vital part of every camping trip for breakfast, after which they sat around with a stunned/bored expressions on their faces. I decided that we needed to do something. "Anybody want to go for a walk?"

"Angel or Devil" was the only taker, the other two responded with grunts. So we headed off down the road to see what we could see. After a short while we came across an arch that said "Nature Trail" which framed a path leading into the woods. I asked "Angel or Devil" if she was up for some exploration. She was. So off we went into the great unknown.

The path led us through the woods and at the halfway mark it came out on the other side at the shore of Little Kenosee Lake (which was really just another slough, they're not fooling me!). There was also a dock leading off the path that took you out over the waters of the slough. The water at the shore line was covered in a disgusting foam (it is my understanding that this is caused by dead mermaids). Once you got past the foam you could see all of the brown weedy crap floating in the water. It actually looked more like matted hair than weeds, either way it was pretty sick. Also once you were out on the dock you could really enjoy the stink! Truly the highlight of the walk.

After the "lake" we continued along the path until we once again emerged from the woods back at the campground. Here we found another hidden treasure. The top half of a dead rabbit laying on the path.

When we got back to the site "Angel or Devil" tried to get one of her sisters to check out the "lake", however they all declined. Even when she mentioned the dead rabbit!

Later that morning we were sitting around the campfire when a gopher emerged from the bushes and started sniffing around. We named him Supper and he instantly became the official mascot for our site. He popped up every now and then to see if the kids had dropped anything worth eating and then he'd scamper back into the bushes for a while.

By lunch time the clouds were starting to thin out and we got to experience the odd bit of sunshine every now and then, which was nice. Most of the afternoon was spent just relaxing around the site. The kids wandered over to the playground a few time and stuff like that but for the most part we were just chillin'.

For dinner we had chicken breasts, corn on the cob, roasted potatoes and beans. Delicious!

After dinner the kids went back to the park and I started to clean up the dishes and stuff. At about this time one of the girls I work with (Broad) and her boyfriend (The Teach) walked by our site. I flagged them down and we made plans for them to come by later for a few beers around the fire. The kids had been waiting for them to arrive all day because they knew that they were bringing their dogs with them and my kids are certifiable dog-fiends.

The kids came back from the park and shortly after that Broad and The Teach arrived with their dogs. This was followed by a period of mayhem while the kids mauled the dogs and such. They had a pug and a jack russell terrier, both good sized dogs for these kids. Broad and The Teach told the kids that they could take the dogs for a walk, which was the greatest thing ever for them. The only problem was there were three kids and only two dogs. The perfect recipe for one crying kid. We managed to get things straightened out and made arrangements for sharing the dog walking chore and once everyone had gotten themselves together and all the tears were dried up they headed out. They felt like real big shots walking around with dogs, I can tell you that. We never saw them again for a good hour after that. When the kids finally did return the dogs were beat. They spent most of the rest of the night sleeping on a lawn chair.

At one point "Angel and Devil" went to the bathroom with Broad. On the way back Broad wanted to stop at their campsite and pickup some snacks. "Angel or Devil" asked her if she would introduce her to everybody as "My friend "Angel or Devil"". She was a little disappointed when she was told that there was nobody there to be introduced to. "You mean you don't have any kids?"

"Nope."

"Not even any cousins?"

"Afraid not."

Damn! Here she thought she was going to be introduced to a crowd of people as some kind of big deal!

When they returned to our site Broad decided that she and "Angel or Devil" would sneak up and scare us by coming through the bush. They couldn't have been any louder if they were wearing suits of armour! When they emerged from the bush we were all just staring at them. It was clear that the beer was having it's affect on Broad. It was good for a laugh though.

The kids were almost as tired as the dogs were and soon after the failed bush surprise they all hit the tent. This left the grown ups to sit around and enjoy some drinks and some adult time until around 1:00am.

That about wraps up our second day.

Family Camping Trip: Day One

2008-07-02T15:27:00.005-05:00

Friday marked the first day of our first family camping trip of 2008!

Since we weren't leaving until after lunch I had the whole morning to get the rest of our shit together. I started off by getting a quick load of towels into the laundry and then got to work on a final shopping list.

My first stop was Canadian Tire where I was going to pick up some supplies. Lawn chairs, citronella candles, propane, bug spray and other stuff like that. While I was there I figured I would gas up the van as well.

The gas gauge was getting down near the empty line so I was expecting it to be a fairly expensive fill up. I thought it might be in the range of $70 or so. You can imagine my disbelief as the pump flew past the $80 mark and then $90, and $100. What the fuck?! Was I filling up the inside of the van too or just the gas tank?? I stopped pumping when it hit $110 (apparently that it my personal limit).

Next I headed off to the grocery store to pick up baked goods and produce and other last minutes stuff and then back to home base to finish packing and loading.

At around noon I decided to move the seats in the van around. A simple process, I thought. Just take out the two middle seats and move the three seats from the back row forward. By the end of this simple operation I had become a quivering mass of sweat and I was in a highly irritable state of mind. It turned out that I was on an impossible mission all along. If I had consulted the seat configuration diagram I would have seen that there is no way to have three seats in the first row. But I didn't check the seat diagram. Instead I tried every conceivable combination I could come up with, none of which were correct. Eventually Jules came out and introduced me to the seat diagram, which caused things to move much quicker.

Finally came the loading of the gear! Due to the stupid seat configuration I had to have one seat remain in the back row which caused me to have much less room than I'd anticipated. I used every inch of space available in that van! You could barely see the kids by the time I'd packed them in.

Jules and I did one last run through the checklist to make sure we had everything. It's a good thing we did too because we forgot about the towels that were in the dryer! That would have been a bad thing to forget! We then did a final walk through to make sure the proper lights were left on and everything else was turned off.

Then I locked up the house and we were ready to leave. But wait a second. I still had enough time to squeeze in a little OCD moment.

"Did I lock that deadbolt??"

"I think so, but I'm not 100% positive."

"Well, shit!"

Back to the door I went. I tried to open the door to test if the deadbolt was shut, however I had also locked the doorknob. I had to unlock the doorknob first. Then I was able to try the door and saw that I had, in fact, locked the deadbolt. I tried to re-lock the doorknob but I couldn't do that from outside. I had to unlock the deadbolt, open the door, lock the doorknob and then shut the door. "Don't forget to lock the deadbolt now, that's how this whole mess started in the first place!" While I was doing this I dropped my keys on the ground. Queue the Circus Music!!! After this little episode I jumped into the van and we were off!!!

The drive to Kenosee takes about 2 hours. The drive was going quite well until we got into Saskatchewan and the highway on which we were traveling turned into a long construction zone. It looked like they were in the process of upgrading it from a gravel road to a paved road. "Take a good look around kids because we won't be coming back this way!"

Eventually we got out of the construction and we reached Moose Mountain Provincial Park. As we paid for our park pass the lady at the booth tried to scare us by saying that there were only 9 camp sites left at Kenosee. I imagine she was getting some sort of sick satisfaction by the panicked look on some peoples face when she passed on this nugget of information. I informed her that we were practically VIP's because we'd made reservations for our campsite. Nice try "Gloom-and-Doom", go spread your sunshine on someone else.

Our next stop was the campground office at Kenosee. There was one lane for people who needed to check in and one lane for people who had already checked in. We took our place at the end of the "need to check in" line amongst all of the RV's. We waited as one camper after another obtained their camping permit and moved on into the park. As it got closer to our turn I noticed other people behind us trying to butt in line by heading straight into the park office when it wasn't their turn. I don't know what they thought they were going to accomplish because there were curbs on each side of the lane, so it's not like they could pull away until all the cars in front of them were through!! When it was my turn I went in and got our camping permit and then came back out to the van. I was delighted when I looked back at all of those people who butted in line sitting in their RV's waiting for me!!! Ha Ha!

When we arrived at our campsite we started to work building our home. The first order of business was the screen tent. This was set up over the picnic table and next to our electrical service. It went up quite easily, unlike last year when it took close to an hour. Once this was in place we had somewhere to unload a bunch of our stuff.

Next came the actual sleeping tent. This is the same tent we've used every year so far and as expected it went up very quickly without any problems. This year we put a tarp on the ground, then the tent and then another tarp on the inside of the tent. Triple water barrier! Oh Yeah!! Next we laid out the sleeping pads, pillows, sleeping bags and tossed in our backpacks. We were officially unpacked!

Now that our site was in order we could get down to business. Jules and I cracked a beer each and she got to work on getting the fire started while I got things set up in the dining tent. At this point the kids were already harping on us about going swimming even though it was cloudy and on the verge of raining. Being the mean parents we are we made them wait until after supper.

We dined on chili that was prepared a couple of days earlier by Jules and the standard staple for kids, hot dogs. However, we forgot to bring hot dogs! Doh! How do you forget hot dogs for a camping trip??!! Since we also needed ice for the coolers I headed off to the store. On my voyage I noticed that the public beach was at the same place as the store. Good to know!

After we'd all eaten it was time to take the kids swimming. Upon arrival at the beach I was kind of surprised that there was virtually nobody there. I blamed it on the weather. The kids waded out into the water until "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong" was up to her waist. That was when she noticed that there was tons of "shrimp" in the water. She called them shrimp but they were really insect larvae. For the sake of calmness I referred to them as "shrimp" as well. Once the "shrimp" alarm had been sounded all of the kids evacuated the lake. "Little Miss..." had tons of "shrimp" clinging to her and it soon became clear that the swimming portion of this camping trip was officially over. Now I know why the beach was deserted.

We headed back to the campsite and the kids decided that they wanted to check out the playground.

While they were away I was doing the dishes in the dining tent when someone called my name. Who the hell can that be?? When I looked I saw that it was an old ex-girlfriend that has a knack for showing up every time we attempt to enjoy some quality family time. We go to the winter fair? She's there. Summer fair? She's there. It wouldn't even be an issue except, every time we run into her she's trying to get our family together with her family. I have zero interest in that! For the most part I think friendships expire over time and my friendship with her expired a long time ago, but she won't let it go. She seems to think it would be fun to get our three girls together with her 3 boys and 1 baby girl.

My girls don't dig boys. Not yet anyway. Another fact about my girls is they are blunt to the point of being rude. Just like their old man! This expired ex-girlfriend had her first son with an old (also expired) friend of mine. They were not meant to be parents and from what I understand there was a lot of partying going on while she was pregnant. Anyway, her oldest son is a little messed up, to put it gently.

To put it not so gently, when he walks down the road he has the off balanced, slow walk of the living dead. He's got a kind of Frankenstein/Zombie thing going on, which is very unsettling. There is also something wrong with his vision, I'm not sure what the problem is, but he has to put his face about an inch away from something to see it.

Ya, let's get him together with my kids. Sounds like a great idea. Great, that is, if your son likes being laughed at and called names, which I doubt he does. I think everyone will be much happier if we just keep our families to ourselves.

Anyway I responded to her greeting with as little interest as I could and she quickly went along on her way.

Shortly after that the kids arrived back at the site with a new friend and a dog. They stood at the edge of our site talking with us for a minute or so and then I saw what I thought was a zombie come ambling up from behind them. I almost screamed for them to cover their brains before I realized that it was only Gleep, the first born of the expired ex. They went along their merry way back to the playground with Gleep trudging behind.

After it got dark and the kids still hadn't returned from the playground I decided to go and look for them. I arrived at the playground and started to look around. Of course the expired ex was there. She pointed out the direction the kids had just headed in while Gleep walked up and planted his face an inch away from my chest and made some kind of growling roar. "Nice kid ya got there. I've got to go."

Once I'd rounded up my kids and returned to our campsite we had some family time around the campfire. We roasted marshmallows and hot dogs, I planted the idea of Sasquatch in "Devil or Angel"'s head and then, being tired from the days adventure, we bedded down for the night.

So ends day one of our camping adventure.

Camping Weekend Is Coming!

2008-06-24T14:07:00.004-05:00

Every summer we partake in a family camping trip. We love camping! It's truly the highlight of our summer.

This year we are going to double our pleasure and take two camping holidays!!

The first one will be happening this weekend.

Friday afternoon we're heading to Kenosee Lake in Moose Mountain Provincial Park in Saskatchewan and we will be returning Monday afternoon, just in time to take in the Canada Day festivities at home.

If you would have told me that I'd be going to Saskatchewan for a holiday I would have said that you were crazy, but here I am! I've never been to Kenosee before but I've heard a lot of good things about it.

One of the big attractions are the Super Water Slides!! I thought the kids would really like that so I decided to check out the website. I quickly decided that we would NOT be doing the water slides as it costs $22 for each person over 7 and $11 for kids under 7!! Water slides are cool and all but I'm not about to blow $100 for a couple of hours of sliding.

Now I'm in the middle of the traditional "longest week ever" at work. Yeah, I'm here physically but most of my attention this week has been focussed on camp preparations. Today, I've put together a menu for the meals we will be eating there as well as a grocery list. I've also put together a list of the gear we will need to pack and a list of items we will still need to pick up.

Now I'm just trying to think of things that we will want to have or do while we are camping. Should I bring the telescope? Are there any games that we should bring? So much to decide!

Needless to say, the kids are really looking forward to Friday. Not only is it the day we leave for camping, it's also the first day of summer vacation! When I was in grade 10 our family left on a holiday the day after school ended and it was awesome. Nothing beats jumping straight into the holidays!

The weather looks good for the weekend with temperatures in the 25-20 degree Celsius range (77F-86F) with no sign of rain. Yet.

Summer Begins!

2008-06-23T14:38:00.003-05:00

Last weekend marked the first weekend of the summer and we celebrated it by spending most of it doing stuff outside.

I finished work on Friday at my normal time, 5:00. By the time I got home the kids had already eaten and I was going to wait and eat with Jules when she got off work at 9:30. Since there was nothing else to do I took the kids to the park.

"Little Miss Can't Be Wrong" decided that she didn't want to go so I let her stay home alone on the following conditions. Don't answer the door, don't answer the phone and stay out of the food. We've allowed her to stay home for short periods of time in the past and she seems to be okay with it, however every time it happens we come to find that the kitchen has been looted.

So me and the younger 2 walked down to the park. On the way we passed the outdoor pool. This caused me to realized that it was scheduled to open on Saturday. Rather than mention anything about this, and opening myself up to constant question of "Can we go swimming tomorrow?" I decided store this away as a top secret option for Saturday afternoon.

We got to the park and the kids went to work on the monkey bars. "Devil or Angel" made it all the way across for the first time. It was great to see just how pleased she was with herself over her accomplishment. After that it was all about the monkey bars for her. "Let's Go Crazy", being an expert on the monkey bars, only came by now and then to flaunt her superiority over "Devil or Angel" otherwise she spent her time making sand castles with a pink bucket that someone had left behind.

As we were leaving the kids got into an argument about the pink pail. "Let's Go Crazy" wanted to take it home and "Devil or Angel" said she couldn't because it belonged to someone else. I ended the argument by telling "Let's Go Crazy" that she could take it with her.

As we were walking out the gate two other kids were walking in. And wouldn't you know it the first one says, "Can we have our bucket back?"

I replied, "Oh you mean this bucket here? Yeah, this is our bucket now! Haven't you heard the news? Finders keepers, losers weepers! So you'd best get to weeping, LOSER!"

What I really said was, "You sure can!" and I handed the bucket back to the rightful owner.

Poor "Let's Go Crazy", denied at the very last second!

On the way home we stopped for a quick play at a second playground. This one had swings as well as a bunch more monkey bars and climbing structures. After giving this playground a quick run for it's money we headed for home. On the way we stopped and got a drink each and a bag of fruit snacks for the walk home.

We got back just in time to watch "Camp of Rock" starring the Jonas Brothers.

Saturday morning I mentioned to Jules that I might take the kids to the pool for the afternoon while she was at work, therefore I would drop her off and pick her up so we could use the van. I then went out to transfer the insurance from the shit van over to the new van.

Apparently I forgot to tell Jules that I wasn't going to tell the kids until it was time to go because when I got home I was greeted by a barrage of questions about the pool. Are we going to the pool? When are we going to the pool? What pool are we going to? How long are we going to stay at the pool?

We took Jules to work at around 10:30 and were home by at least 11:00. Since the pool didn't open until 12:00 the kids had to wait another hour. By 11:02 they were all wearing their bathing suits and carrying towels. "Let's Go Crazy" and "Devil or Angel" were already covered in Sunscreen!

As it got closer to 12:00 their excitement was reaching fever pitch. This is when I played the lunch card. "Nobody can go anywhere until you guys have lunch."

They all rushed into the kitchen to have lunch as fast as humanly possible. "Devil or Angel" came out with a single slice of bread with nothing on it! Being the mean Dad I am I made her go back and put something on the bread and add another piece of bread on top.

They scarfed their food down and were back to nagging me. When I finally went upstairs to change into my swim suit the excitement level went through the roof! "DAD'S CHANGING!!! HE'S GETTING READY NOW!!!"

And then when their heads were about to explode from the anticipation we headed out to the pool.

It was a nice hot, sunny day. "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong" ditched us immediately upon arrival and I spent my time hanging out with the other two in the shallow end. After close to 3 hours the young-uns were ready to go home. I told "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong" that we were leaving and that we would be back to get her at 5:00 unless she called earlier.

When I got in the house I noticed that my arms had turned pink. In fact my whole upper body was pink. Ooops! I forgot to put on sunscreen. Oh well it was a sunburn, but not a severe one. I then checked the kids and saw that they were fine. Of coarse they were, they'd bathed in sunscreen about an hour before we left the house. I asked them if "Little Miss" put on sunscreen and "Let's Go" assured me that she had.

When I picked up "Little Miss" it was immediately clear that she had NOT put on any sunscreen. She looked like a lobster. She forgot to put it on before we left the house and she didn't know that we had it with us at the pool and she couldn't use any of the sunscreen her friend had with her. Obviously she had no way of obtaining any sunscreen! I think it is more likley that she was entirely consumed with the idea of getting in the pool. So much so that she couldn't think about something as inconsequetial as sunscreen. The pool is just that much fun!!

On Sunday it was more of the same.

This time "Devil or Angel" had a birthday party to attend (a pool party) so it was just me and the other two going swimming. Again the pool was top priority. The pool opened an hour before the birthday party so they wanted me to drop them off, then take "Devil or Angel" to her party and then come back to the pool. I told them that they would have to wait until after "Devil or Angel" went to her party. Not only that, I was also going to go grocery shopping after I dropped her off and before they went swimming. OH THE TRAGEDY!!

It wasn't until almost 2:00 when we left for the pool. "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong" learned her lesson and applied a generous helping of sunscreen to herself before heading. She does have a brain in her head! Me?! Not so much. It took me a good 2 hours of direct sun before I realized that I was getting a sun burn on my sun burn. I put on some sunscreen but it was too late. I was cooked.

At around 4:15 Jules arrived with "Devil or Angel" fresh from her swimming party for a quick swim before summer.

For dinner I'd planned to have a cook out at a park. This made for a good trial run for our upcoming camping trip. We enjoyed some BBQ chicken, hot dogs, potato salad, macaroni salad and chips followed up with fresh watermelon and toasted marshmallows.

After this we headed home so everyone could have baths/showers and wash off the combined smell of chlorine and campfire. After this there was enough time for the kids to unwind by watching an Air Bud movie and then it was time for bed.

Weekend like these are what summer is all about.

Re-Vanned!!

2008-06-16T10:48:00.004-05:00

I'm happy to announce that we got another van last weekend!

After two weeks of no vehicle of our own we are now wheeled!

I found a nice 1999 Chevy Venture on a local classified site for the low price of $3000 and immediately called to inquire. The only problem was that the van was located in Dauphin, Manitoba which is nearly two hours away from here. I asked the seller the standard questions about the van and then said that I would like to drive it.

Since his ad mentioned that he would deliver I asked if he would bring it to Brandon. He said he would have no problem driving it down if he could be sure he was going to sell it. I told him that if he was being honest and there was truly nothing wrong with the van that he would almost certainly sell it. However if I drove it and noticed something wrong I would not be buying it. So really it all came down to his confidence in the quality of the van.

He said that he could bring it down on Saturday for me to check it out. I asked him how he would like payment and he said he'd like cash or a certified check (draft check). No problem, said I, knowing that I had just deposited a $5000 check on Monday which was going to be cleared that very day.

I should really know by now that whenever I think 'No Problem' that it means there will definitely be a problem.

I went down to the bank to get a draft check and was told by the teller that the check I'd deposited still hadn't cleared and it wasn't going to clear until the next Wednesday. He told me that I could access $300 only. That Helps!!

I went back to work and called the guy selling the van. I explained my situation and asked him if that would be a problem for him. Apparently he'd gotten another call 15 minutes after talking to me from another guy who was desperate to buy the van. He would prefer to sell it this weekend either way. He then said that if I could get him a deposit and write a post dated check that he would proceed with selling the van to me instead of the other buyer.

"How much of a deposit do you need?" I asked.

"$1000."

"OK, Let me make some calls and get back to you." A thousand bucks? Where can I get a thousand bucks by tomorrow?

In a fit of panic a sent an email to my Mom to see if she could help me with this situation. After I sent the email I had a bit of time to settle down and I started to think more clearly. I realized that my best option was to see if I could get my paycheck a week early. The only problem with that is the person who writes the checks was in Winnipeg all day and I wasn't sure if she was going to be back in time.

I gave her a call and explained my situation and she agreed to give me my check early,but she wasn't going to be back before the banks closed. I didn't think this was going to be a problem, but then again I seem to be able to create problems where none would normally exist.

Anyway I called the seller and told him that I was good to go with the deposit and he said he would be here the next day.

I got my check and deposited it and pulled out my daily limit of $500 from the ATM. I would get the other $500 the next day after Buddy called to say he was on his way.

Wouldn't it be a bitch if there was something wrong with the van and I was going through all this stress for nothing? Sound about right for my luck!

I waited all morning for Buddy to call and was starting to worry that he might have sold it to the other guy after all. At lunch time I called him and was reassured that he was still coming. Great! Once he called I would run to the bank and be back with plenty of time.

About 20 minutes later he called and informed me that he was already IN Brandon and that he was going to be by in about 15 minutes! Hell! That doesn't give me enough time to run to the bank and back! Not only that but Jules was going to be off work and home in about 25 minutes and I would really prefer not to have the kids along for the ride. My only hope was that he would be a little longer than he thought.

Nope! He was actually early. About 5 minutes! Looks like my test drive is going to be done with all 3 kids in the van and will include a stop at the bank.

All my fears about the van were laid to rest when I drove it. Everything seemed to work well. The steering was nice and tight, the transmission felt solid and there were no knocking sounds coming from the motor. The alignment was good and the brakes worked nicely. The whole time I was driving it the kids were 'Ooohing' and 'Aaahing' over the cup holders and the seat belts and other non-vital items.

Since it came with such nice cup holders I bought the van!

It is such a relief to have another vehicle! Not only does it clear up the stress of needing a van badly (it would have really made the camping trip we have planned in two weeks difficult), we also no longer have the daily stress of wondering when the van will die or if we will be getting home from wherever we happen to be going.

Now we just need to get the other eyesore out of our driveway. Anybody looking for a dead 1992 Plymouth Grand Voyager?? I hate that van!!

Father's Day??

2008-06-16T09:50:00.004-05:00

Apparently yesterday was Father's Day and I can say for a fact that it was not a very special day for this Dad! On the other hand it turned out to be a pretty relaxing day for Mom.

In fact the only reason I know that it was Father's Day is because I got a round of hugs and a couple of verbal "Happy Father's Days" at around 1:30 in the afternoon.

I celebrated the day by getting up at 9:00 after listening to the kids yell and scream from the next room for half an hour. As I was getting dressed Jules, who had gotten up a couple of hours earlier to watch a move, returned to bed. Oh well nice seeing you!

I got to work fixing breakfast for my 3 kids plus one extra who was sleeping over. I also helped myself to some laundry while the kids watched whatever they liked on TV and tidied up the mess that was left from the night before. All this time I was expecting someone to realize what day it was and say "Happy Father's Day Dad!!" but there wasn't a single peep from anyone.

Then our sleepover guest went home and I made the kids some lunch and put together a grocery shopping list. While I was making my list there was a commercial about Father's Day on TV and the kids were all watching it. I thought for sure this would trigger a response but it didn't. I was trying to decide what to make myself for my special Father's Day dinner and decided that I would give myself the night off of cooking and order pizza. It's the least I could do for myself.

At around 12:30 I had my list written out and I was ready to head to the store with "Let's Go Crazy" to do the shopping for the week. As I was getting my bank card from by bedroom Jules started to stir from her nap.

When I got home I was in a big rush to put all the groceries away because the kids I had mentioned that I would take the kids to the park and they were harassing me incessantly.

It was at this time that Jules pointed out that it was Father's Day. Everyone just kind of stood around for a minute until Jules told the kids to give me a hug. To be fair "Let's Go Crazy" and "Devil or Angel" both gave me their Father's Day gifts on Friday when I got home from work. They have a little problem with holding in a surprise! "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong" embarrassedly (is that a word?) admitted that she forgot the gift she'd made at school, which is fine by me.

Once this formality was done with I loaded the kids up and headed to the park for a while, where I ended up entertaining my own 3 kids as well as 3 other kids who weren't even mine! We played at the park for an hour or so and then headed back home.

I then went to work and folded a load of laundry and cycled the next load. I told Jules that my plan for dinner was ordering pizza. She went for her shower, placed the order for the pizza and then laid in our room to watch a movie. About an hour later the pizza arrived and I found that Jules would not be joining us for dinner because she was in bed sleeping again. So the kids and I ate our Father's Day dinner by ourselves.

After dinner I went outside and did a little weeding in the garden and mowed the lawn while the kids rode around on their bikes. When this was done I went inside and called my Dad to wish him a happy Father's Day. While I was on the phone Jules returned to the downstairs from her nap and had some left over pizza. "Let's Go Crazy" then proceeded to have a minor melt down because she didn't want to have a bath unless someone watched her!!

I got off the phone and immediately got on the bath situation. While this was going on Jules called upstairs to say that she was going for a walk around the block. She didn't return until around 9:30. This gave me plenty of time to finish up my Father's Day by cleaning up the downstairs, making the kids lunches and doing the dishes before getting the kids to bed.

Realizing that this day was not going to be getting any better I decided to go to bed early.

You know, I don't mind not getting any gifts for Father's Day, in fact I prefer it, but it would be nice to get a little help around the house or have dinner with the entire family or even just a bit of acknowledgment that it was in fact a special day for Dad.

I have to say that this day was the most disappointing Father's Day I've ever experienced. I just hope nobody at work asks me about it. I'd have to make something up to avoid the embarrassment what really happened.

Sports!

2008-06-04T12:33:00.008-05:00

I'm not usually the type of guy who watches sports on TV. In fact I don't often discuss sports or follow sports. Don't get me wrong, I like playing sports just fine. I just don't have the time or interest to sit down and watch them or follow them closely.

Football is alright but I can only bring myself to actually sit down and watch the Super Bowl and possibly the Grey Cup game, depending on the teams involved. I just can't handle the ridiculous action to no-action ratio involve with football. You get to watch 2-5 seconds of action followed by a couple of minutes of shots of the sidelines, commercials and replays.

Baseball? It's a good game and I love to play it myself but it is so fucking boring to watch!! There are way to many breaks in this sport. The pitcher feels the need to stand on the mound and fuck around for 3 minutes before every single pitch. They break for 5-10 minutes every half inning. And when they start swapping out pitchers for every batter near the end of the game it makes me want to start punching myself in the face. "Come On Already!! I've Got Shit To Do Today!!"

Basketball does nothing for me. I don't understand the popularity of this sport at all. I've never sat through an entire basketball game and I hope I never have to. When you have a sport where the scores are reaching into the 100's it's time to re-evaluate the rules. How can you still be excited when your team scores that 97th point??

Soccer is OK but I don't like the idea of not knowing when a game is going to end. What's with that? The clock counts down to zero yet the game keeps going then all of a sudden it's over at some, seemingly, random time??

NASCAR. WTF is that all about??? I'd rather watch curling or golf. Fuck, I'd sooner tune in to a marathon than watch NASCAR.

Hockey is about the only sport that I enjoy watching!! It's got a bit of everything. Hitting, fighting, guys swinging sticks around, sharp metal blades worn on the feet. Now that's a sport!!

When NHL playoffs begin I'm usually glued to the TV for every game I can watch until the Stanley Cup has been won. This year was an exception.

The playoff started off on a good note. My Bruins finally made it into the playoffs this year and they were up against one of my most hated teams the Montreal Canadiens. When Boston was knocked out in the first round it kind of put a damper on my playoff enthusiasm.

Oh well, I could still cheer for whoever was playing against Montreal! I've found that cheering against a team works just as well as cheering for a team. Usually I cheer for Boston and Calgary and I cheer against Vancouver and Montreal.

Since Calgary and Boston were sent packing in the first round I was only really interested in the Montreal-Philly series. Once the Flyers beat Montreal I had nobody left to cheer for (or against) so I pretty much stopped watching after the second round.

Then on Monday I tuned in to the Detroit-Pittsburgh game just to see if Detroit was going to finish it up and was immediately drawn back into the playoffs.

What a great game! Within the first 5 minutes after tuning in I saw Gonchar eat a face full of boards and Malone take a wicked slap shot to the face, breaking his nose! Now that's entertainment! This game was full of great intensity and very few whistles! It ended up going into a third overtime period and was eventually won by the Penguins.

This was great for me because I really don't care which team wins and it gives me a chance to watch another game of that caliber! I'll be tuning in tonight and if need be on Saturday night.

Nothing beats the excitement of sudden death playoff action!!

I've Had It With "Downs"! Where Are My "Ups"?!

2008-06-02T13:19:00.004-05:00

Now that the van is dead there is a certain amount of urgency to get another vehicle for the family. So far it's been a lot of fun.

I decided that I wanted to have something new. I'd never owned a new car before and I was definitely sick of paying for constant repairs so I was very interested in having a vehicle with a warranty.

Friday I headed down to our local Kia dealership to look at the Rondo. I chose Kia because their cars are relatively inexpensive and they seem to have pretty good fuel economy. At the time they were also offering 0% financing for up to 72 months. With my history of being a financial moron I was a little worried about obtaining the financing but figured it was worth a look.

The salesman I dealt with was busy when I first arrived and so he just gave me the keys to one of the Rondos and let me take off in it. It was a nice ride and it had all sorts of new fangled gadgets and buttons. The model I was driving had a third row of seats to seat 7 which works very well for us. All of the seats in the back two rows fold into the floor to make lots of space if you need it.

When I returned the salesman worked out some numbers and options for me and we came up with a good package. All the while I was waiting for him to stop and say, "Whoa! Your credit is too shitty! No car for you!"

At one point he went to the back with my information. I figured for sure I was going to be denied. When he came back and started asking about what colors I wanted and stuff I was extremely relieved.

Next the account lady took me into her office. "Oh shit, here it comes!" I thought.

Nope. She just wanted to up-sell me on stain guard and other rust protection/paint protection options. When that was all dealt with she sent me back out to the waiting area.

That's when the salesman grabbed the keys and pulled "my" car around to the door.

"Holy Shit! I'm going to actually buy a new car!" I couldn't believe it. I was ecstatic. "Jules is going to be so happy and the kids are going to absolutely lose their minds!" Yup, Dad is THE MAN!

Then the account lady came out and asked me to come back into her office. I could tell right away that it was going to be something serious. She told me that there was a problem with my credit application. There was a MasterCard that I had go to a collection agency a while back and I was going to have to get a co-signer in order to get the financing.

I mentioned that the credit card had been all paid up over 2 years ago but that didn't seem to make any difference. My other option was to buy it without the financing with an interest rate of 13%. Hmmm, my payment plan before was just in my budget with an interest rate of .9%. This option was out of the question as it would leave me paying about $640 a month for the next 5 years.

She then gave me a glimmer of hope. She said that she could call the bank and see if she could get approval of my credit application since the debt was cleared up quite a while ago. I asked her if they ever allowed that to happen and she said yes they do.

I then left the dealership feeling full of disappointment and a little stunned. I felt like a little kid who had had an ice cream cone, unwrapped it and was about to take the first lick and then had it taken away because he didn't wash his hands first.

Before I went to the dealership I'd sent an email to my Mom to inform her about what had happened with the van and that I was looking to get a new Kia. When I arrived back at the office I saw that she had replied to my email. In that reply she offered to be a co-signer if I needed one.

"How perfect!" I thought. Oh well, if I'm turned down for the financing at least I'll have a co-signer and still be able to make the purchase. "Whew! What a load off!"

I called Jules to tell her my adventure so far and mentioned that no matter what we should be able to have the car by the next day.

Later in the afternoon I got a second email from my Mom. It seems she spoke too soon. Since her and my Dad are in the process of buying a house here in Brandon she was a little concerned about what kind of affect co-signing on a $25k car might have on their mortgage agreement. She said she would prefer not to co-sign unless it was absolutely necessary.

Not the best news. But I might not even need a co-signer anyway.

Just before 4:00 I got the call from Kia. They would not approve my credit application without a co-signer.

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Since it was the end of the day I wasn't able to contact my Mom via email and would have to wait until they arrived in town Saturday morning to find out what the deal was.

When I got home I was horrified to find that all of the kids were very excited that we were going to get our new car tomorrow. It's all they talked about all night and the next morning. I told them numerous times that they shouldn't even think about it until they see a car in the driveway because it wasn't a for-sure deal. But they had already clasped onto the idea and they weren't going to let it go at this point.

The next day my parents arrived at around noon. Just as I'd feared the first thing "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong" says after they arrive is, "Can I come with you to get the car?"

I replied back that we might not even get the car so she should just be quiet about it. My parents then went on to discuss other options. I should go to the bank and see what they'll do. Maybe I should try some other dealers around town. I should look at a used vehicle. That kind of thing. All I was hearing was, "You do not have a co-signer!

My Mom said that she would talk it over with her banker to see what co-signing would do to her credit rating in regards to their mortgage but she couldn't do that until Monday. I'm pretty sure the banker will say that it isn't going to help their mortgage situation any.

So now I'm back to square one. I'm stuck going to the bank to see what kind of loan they'll give me, if any. Best case scenario I get a loan from the bank and get to buy another used vehicle with all the perks of buying used. Like no warranty, constant repairs and shitty mileage.

This is fun!

Going Out With A Banjo?

2008-05-30T15:00:00.005-05:00

Last night our van passed away.

Hold back on your sympathy, I've been wishing it would die for a long time now. "WHY WON'T YOU JUST DIE?!"

I always thought that the death stroke was going to be the transmission shitting out. I was wrong. The straw that broke the camels back was the front, driver-side ball joint.

In a way it was a relief. At least the waiting was over. Every day I thought, "Is this the day the van is going to die?" or "Am I going to make it to the store and back today?" Every time Jules phoned I was half expecting to hear that she was stranded with a van full of kids.

The circumstances of the ball joint breakage could have been worse. It could have been ME who was driving when it happened. Fortunately, for me, Jules was at the helm when it gave up the ghost.

I was sitting on the couch waiting for Jules to get home when the phone rang. As soon as she started talking I new the van was dead.

First I thought that she was sitting in the parking lot unable to get the van in gear. Nope! Much better than that! She was in the middle of a busy intersection and the wheel had broken loose from the axle. No pushing the van through the intersection with THAT kind of problem!

Me and my CAA membership were totally useless from where I was, so all I could do was provide the phone number of a towing company. I found one with a nice looking yellow pages ad and gave her the number.

If you've ever wondered what ever happened to those hillbillies from the movie Deliverance, wonder no more. They are in Brandon, Manitoba driving around in a tow truck.

Usually when you call for a tow you get one guy and his truck. This way you can get in and catch a lift to where your vehicle is being transported. Well Bubba showed up with a couple of buddies.

When Jules called me to fill me in, she told me that there was a huge woman and a retarded guy riding shotgun and she was concerned about how she was going to be getting into the truck along with these three sideshow freaks. She didn't want to be in that truck cab where someone was going to have to sit on someone else's lap, regardless of who was the sitter and who was the sittee!

I thought that she must have been exaggerating a bit when she was telling me this, but I soon found out that it really was as bad as she said!

Although the truck driver assured her that there would be room in the truck, she opted for a ride with a policeman instead. When she remarked about the lack of space in the tow truck the officer told her that these guys always do that. Mental note: stay far away from that towing company in the future.

The truck pulled up to our house and I could barely see the driver because there was a wall of flesh between him and the passenger window. This was Large Marge. After some initial small talk with Large Marge I concluded that she was either completely vacuous or mildly retarded, either way any discussion regarding the van with her would be breath wasted.

There was nothing mild about the retardation of the other sidekick, Lenny. At first I thought he was drunk but soon realized that he was, in fact, mentally challenged. It was kind of unsettling watching him help. Especially when he had to ask Bubba if he should keep holding on to the hoist bar while Bubba dragged it from under the van. "Yes, Lenny, by all means keep holding on. It works much better when there are mashed fingers underneath!"

After Lenny finished his part of the job. Bubba finished everything else up. Lenny must have been quite worked up from helping because he and Large Marge decided that it would be appropriate to make out while they waited. It was not a pretty site! I hope to God that that relationship doesn't generate any offspring!

The unloading operation took an eternity. It was almost as if they had never towed a car before. I couldn't stand another minute of making small talk with these guys. Finally he finished up and gave me the bill for $40.82. Also he had no change. Since he couldn't break a $20 I had to scrounge around for the 82 cents. I came up with 85 and took it out to him. He was actually going to find me the 3 cents in change back. "No worries buddy! You can split it up between yourselves!" I probably would have tipped him but I sure as hell wasn't going to give him $19.18! There's a lesson for you Bubba. If you carry change you might get more tips!

Eventually they left us with our dead van. Our dead van with $20 of fresh gas that Jules got put in seconds before the breakdown!

Today we start the task of finding a new vehicle to replace the shit heap.

Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain!

2008-05-28T11:47:00.006-05:00

Average Life Spam is is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma.

To the few readers who happen to stumble upon my site from time to time I am this vague character called CanadaDad who lives in Brandon, Manitoba (it is entirely possible that CanadaDad is some kind of superhero). I have 3 girls and a wife named Jules and that's about it. I don't use my real name and I don't post any photos of myself or my family. I don't mention where I work or the real names of any of my friends. I don't link to any other sites that I may or may not have and I have a dedicated email address just for CanadaDad. You'd think I was some kind of fugitive or something!

That's not all!

In my real life this blog is also one of my deep dark secrets! I have never mentioned this blog to anyone outside of my own house. Basically Jules and the kids know about it and nobody else. I don't mention it to my friends or my coworkers and especially not my family.

This gives me a great amount of freedom to write about whatever or whomever I like. I can pretty much discuss anything I want here without having to self-censor myself. If I want to call my best friend a dildo I can (Speaking of which, a couple of weeks ago he needed to disposed of a container of gas left over from last year so he went to a car wash and poured it down the water drain. What a DILDO!). If I need to bitch about work or my family that's not a problem, no hurt feelings for anyone.

Today I am going to pull back the veil for a moment and give you a brief glimpse of the REAL CanadaDad. Here I am:

OK! So, I guess there is a little mystery there as I am wearing my back up disguise but rest assured that is the real me.

A guy's got to maintain a little privacy, right?

Move Along! Nothing To See Here!

2008-05-27T16:34:00.006-05:00

Last week I mowed our lawn for the first time this year. Not a very exciting event as far as I'm concerned but I guess I was wrong.

Last year when my gas mower crapped out I got one of those reel mowers. No motor, no gas, no emissions and no breakdowns. It's environmentally friendly! Again not really a big deal as far as I'm concerned.

However, I've noticed something a little strange when I mow the lawn.

First a little background.

I live on a pretty busy street and the corner of our lot has a traffic light. When the light is red there is sometimes a line of stopped cars next to my yard. When I was using the gas mower this was a major inconvenience because I had to pause when the cars were lined up, especially when I was mowing between the sidewalk and the curb. I don't think people would appreciate me firing rocks and shit into the sides of their vehicles. And anyway, that's the kids' job!

When I switched to the reel mower I figured I would never have to think about the stupid traffic again.

I was wrong!

It would seem that I've now become some kind of sideshow for the people waiting at the red light. "It's the CanadaDad Lawn Mowing Show!" [cue circus music] It's as if they've never seen a reel motor before. Judging by some of the looks I get you'd think I was mowing the lawn with a pair of scissors while buck naked on a unicycle.

I try to not even look at the cars now because every time I do I see slack-jawed people in them staring at me, sometimes smiling and sometimes even pointing. "Holy Shit Martha! Would you take a look at that!" Every now and then I have to check my fly just in case! But it's not my fly. People are just amazed/dumbfounded by my mower.

I guess the folk of Brandon just aren't ready for my new fangled mower. And that's another thing these things aren't even new, they're old fangled.

I'm seriously considering mowing my lawn under the cover of night like some criminal. But then again that would probably only cause more attention to be drawn upon myself.

Am I Drinking Toilet Water??

2008-05-20T12:40:00.006-05:00

Today I was reading a blog entry at KelticKaos about her revulsion upon hearing that a plumbing part meant for a toilet was used for the taps on a sink. The part in question was a brand new part that had never even come into contact with a toilet but that didn't make it any less disturbing to her.

This story reminded my about an irrational 'thing' I have in regards to toilet water and drinking water.

When I was a kid I always thought that there was something fishy about the way the water pressure coming out of the sink dropped when somebody flushed the toilet. Since I was just a kid and didn't know anything about plumbing systems I was convinced that it had something to do with the toilet water becoming mixed in with the water coming out of the faucet. The way I saw it all of the water that came out while the pressure was low was partially made up of toilet water! Once the water pressure came back it meant that the water was safe again.

Naturally with this kind of thought process I hated it when someone flushed the toilet when I was using the water! If I was filling a glass of water and the toilet flushed I would pour the water out and wait for the pressure to come back before filling my glass. If I was brushing my teeth I would stand there and wait before I put my brush under the faucet. If I was, God forbid, drinking out of the tap at the same time as the toilet was flushed I would almost gag from the feeling of disgust.

Now that I'm all grown up and have a pretty thorough knowledge of plumbing you would think that this behavior would have passed...but it hasn't. Since the kids came along I've mostly come to grips with my toilet water delusion, except when it comes to the water coming out of the bathroom faucet. That's just a little too close to the source for my liking! I still don't drink or use the water coming out of there after someone has flushed the toilet. No Sir! Not until the pressure comes back and all the toilet water has stopped coming out.

Logically, I know that it is not possible for the two types of water to mix when the toilet flushes but but doesn't stop me from feeling a little grossed out! There is still a tiny voice in the back of my head saying, "Fuck logic! You know damned well that's toilet water!"

Early Questioners

2008-05-13T12:11:00.007-05:00

Do you know this type of person?

You sit down to watch a movie, the opening credits have just finished and the very first scene opens. Immediately you get hit with a series of questions.

"Who's that?"

"What are they doing?"

"Why are they doing that?"

At this point I've only seen as much of the movie as they have. I'm working on the assumption that if we keep watching past the initial 30 seconds the answers to these questions will present themselves. I mean, it's not like I've got a secret guide to the movie in my hands.

This is what you call "Early Questioning" and it is a very common behavior. It's a phenomenon that only occurs at the very beginning of a movie. It's like a kind of panic sets in where the viewer is afraid that they are going to miss some vital piece of information that will cause the next two hours to be completely meaningless.

Jules is what I'd classify as a moderate "Early Questioner". Most times she's fine but there are times where a flood of initial questions like this will result in us having to restart a movie. Not because we needed an answer to these questions but because the questions and their responses resulted in missing the very answers that were being sought (try wrapping your head around that sentence!)

Jules comes by this behavior naturally though. I think it might be genetic, because, as I learned early on in our relationship, Jules' Mom is the undisputed queen of the early questions. You can bank on hearing every single one of the above mentioned questions at the beginning of every single movie.

And now I've discovered that this trait has also been passed along to "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong".

We were watching The Golden Compass last Friday when she started in with the questions and it was driving Jules crazy!

There is one thing I've noticed about the "Early Questioner" and that is that they have zero tolerance when it comes to the questions of another "Early Questioner". They're having a tough enough time trying unravel the hidden secrets to be found in the first 5 seconds of the movie, the last thing they need is someone distracting them a bunch of questions. In fact they're usually the first ones to lash out with a curt "SHHHHH!"

Isn't it strange that the best way to silence an "Early Questioner" is to introduce another "Early Questioner" into the equation? That's like keeping mosquitoes away by having a mosquito in the room!

How Not To Treat A Pulled Groin Muscle

2008-05-08T11:33:00.011-05:00

Last night was the night of my weekly slow-pitch game with my work team.

It was the top of the first inning and I was the second batter. The first pitch came arcing towards me and I gave it a mighty wallop. I took off towards first base and as I did so my left foot lost it's traction and shot straight out behind me, giving me a severely pulled groin. I still managed to run to first base but it was clear that I had done some significant damage to myself. Not bad considering we were about 2 minutes into the game.

I got around the bases and scored at home but I felt extreme pain whenever I ran. After my second inning of play I had to take myself out so as not to cripple myself for the rest of the week. I never take myself out of a game, that's how bad it was.

By the time I got home the pain was settling in quite nicely. I had to use my hands to get my left foot up on my knee so I could take off my shoes and going down a flight of stairs was an extremely uncomfortable experience.

I decided that it would probably be a good idea to apply some RUB A535 Ultra Heat to my injured groin muscle. This was a fatal mistake.

I'm pretty positive that this would have been of great benefit to my groin, however I failed to consider how my neighboring body parts were going to react to the heat. It turns out they didn't care for the A535 one bit.

I rubbed it on my groin and was careful not to get any on any of my more sensitive areas. I got myself dressed again and was mentally congratulating myself on a job well done when I noticed the heat creeping into the vicinity of my "package".

"What's this??" I thought.

Before I knew it my entire crotch was on fire! It felt like my boxers had turned into lava!

I rushed to the bathroom and got a facecloth and soaked it in cold water. There is no way I could have done this fast enough. In my mind I was screaming, "HURRY UP! HURRY UP! WHY IS THIS WATER COMING OUT SO SLOW!? HURRY! HURRY! HURRY!"

Once I had finally soaked the cloth I applied it to my 'special area' expecting some relief that didn't come, at least not fast enough.

Enough of this nonsense! I needed to put a stop to this right now!

So I jumped into the shower and applied a steady stream of cool water to my inflamed region. "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Instant relief. I could have swore there was a cloud of steam and a hissing sound when the water first hit me. Kind of like what happens when you run water over a hot frying pan.

I guess, in a way, I was successful in my initial mission. I wasn't thinking about my pulled groin at all!

As I got out of the shower and was able to think more clearly I started to think about how lucky I was that none of the kids had walked in while I was having my episode. In my urgency I didn't have time to lock the bathroom door or even close it. Anybody could have walked in and seen me hopping around, buck naked, wiping my crotch vigorously with a face cloth. "Oh, Hi kids. What's going on?"

Yes, that would have been awkward.

They Call Me "IT"!

2008-04-29T14:24:00.008-05:00

Last week I was tagged by Kris at "Mindless Diversions and other things..." which basically means I am on the hook to answer a few soul baring questions about my intimate life.

This type of self scrutiny is nothing to be taken lightly. What if I get the answers wrong? I couldn't stand that kind of public embarrassment. I knew right away that this was going to require a lot of serious thought.

So I spent the last week doing some soul searching and introspection. In that week I managed to put together a couple of rough drafts and rewrites and I finally have a finished product. I really think I nailed it.

So here you go. A quick window to my soul:

i) What Is Your Favorite Food?

I’m going to have to go with pizza here, especially bacon and pepperoni. I don’t mean franchise shit-za like Pizza Hut or Domino’s, (although I wouldn't turn down a shit-za if one was put in front of me).I prefer the real pizza you get at a good Italian restaurant. I find that if a place serves pasta it generally serves pretty good pizza as well. You know you found a good one when the delivery time is over an hour!

2) What Is Your Favorite Color?

I’ve always been partial to #1a7d3b although #1f783c is pretty nice as well.

C) Hair:

I have hair on various parts of my body, however I’ll only discuss the most interesting ones. I have a totally hairless chest except for five really long hairs in the vicinity of my nipples, 4 on one nipple and 1 lone soldier on the other! I also have this strange white hair that sprouts out of my left ear lobe from time to time (I swear I go to bed at night with a hairless lobe and wake up to a 6 inch white hair hanging from the side of my head). Then there is the hair on my head which I cut myself. My method is to shave the back and sides pretty short and then I hack the shit out of the top with scissors until I don’t notice any obvious alfalfa sprouts shooting up out of my salad. On workdays I give it a gel and muss and on weekends I wear a hat in lieu of styling. It really is a major inconvenience in my life.

iv) Recent DVD Watched:

The Warriors!!! This is a classic from 1978. This movie has a lot of cheese in it however, there are also tons of great lines that can be used in every day conversation. For instance, “I'll shove that bat up your ass and turn you into a Popsicle.” “CAN YOU DIG IT?!”

E) Guilty Pleasure TV Show:

I like watching the Bugs Bunny and Roadrunner Show. I can never get enough of that comedy gold. My favorite episodes are the ones that feature Claude the cat and the two mice who insist on making him think he is going insane. You just don't see great acting like that anymore!

6) If I Was A Tree What Kind Of Tree Would I Be?

I choose the mighty Crabapple Tree. I'm not sure what the reasoning is. I guess it's because I like the idea of having a group of Hutterite women climbing all over me.

So, maybe "window to my soul" was a little over the top. I have to admit, it was a little weird trying to decide on which kind of tree I wanted to be.

Now it's time for the hardest part of this mission, tagging someone else.

Since my list of regular commenter's have all been tagged (all 2 of them) I am going to pick on the person who left the most recent comment. I'm talking about you madwoman meg.

How's that for a "thanks for the comment".

Hopefully I haven't just scared Meg away from my site forever.

Tuesday's Gone...Or Maybe That's Just What It Wants You To Think!

2008-04-23T11:47:00.009-05:00

I have recently become aware of a silent menace that has been lurking in the shadows of our lives unnoticed for far too long. Today I'm shining a big spotlight on this evil entity.

I'm talking about Tuesday!

Tuesday is the biggest shit day of the week and nobody seems to realize it! It has us all fooled!

I didn't pick up on it myself until one of my co-workers walked past my door yesterday muttering, "Goddamn Tuesday!"

Upon first hearing these words I just dismissed it as a dude having a crappy day. Then I started to think about it a little more and realized that he was really on to something. Tuesday is truly the biggest asshole of the week!

On Wednesday you can at least console yourself somewhat by saying, "Well, I'm halfway through the week." It's not much but it's something.

Thursday is like the Friday of Friday. It's almost not even a day of it's own. In fact Thursday could just be renamed to "The Day before Friday" or "Friday Eve". Thursdays entire reputation is built on it's association with Friday. It's hard to bad-mouth Thursday because you know that Friday is just around the corner. You're on the homestretch of the work week.

Then there is Friday.

There is no better weekday than good old Friday. On Friday all you think about is how great the weekend is going to be. You might totally waste your weekend by sitting around or doing housework or something but on Friday you don't know that yet. As far as you know you could have the greatest adventure of your life tomorrow.

Saturday is the payoff for a week of working for the Man. Saturday is all about doing what you want to do. Your the boss on Saturday. You can dress like a slob. Grooming becomes optional. Saturday is "Do What You Want" day. It is the climax to the week.

Sunday is a pretty good day as well, though not as good as Saturday. You can still do what you want on a moderate level, but you also have to take care of any chores or errands that you didn't get done on Saturday. As Sunday progresses an ominous shadow falls on the day as you realized that Monday is coming.

Monday is usually the day that everyone hates. I think this is a little unfair. At least you are reasonably rested up. You might have some stories to relate to your coworkers about the past weekend. Hell, you can usually eat up a good part of your Monday morning with just catching up. You can kind of ease back into the week on Monday.

Sometimes you can even get the day off on Monday. How many long weekends fall on a Monday? See? At least Monday tries to help you out every now and then. How often do you get Tuesday off for a holiday? Not very often and when it does it's a pain in the ass. Who wants one day off in the middle of the week? Fucking Tuesday can't do anything right!!

If Monday was a piece of shit, Tuesday would be the stink that lingered behind it. You have no catching up to do, you aren't rested up anymore and Friday is so far away that it's best not to even think about it. Yet Tuesday has been getting away scot-free, week after week. I'm pretty sure it snickers at us behind our backs. We're all in such a state of shock after dealing with Monday that we completely ignore just how shitty Tuesday really is.

When was the last time you heard someone say, "Sweet! It's finally Tuesday! I thought it would never arrive!"? I'll tell you when. NEVER!

Well for me at least Tuesday is the new Monday. I can deal with Monday. I know it's coming but I can take it. After all I have two days to get ready for it.

There is no preparing for Tuesday. Tuesday is the asshole who jumps out of a crowd after a fight and kicks the loser in the head when he's down.

Well I've got my blinders off now and I'm going to be keeping an eye on Tuesday from now on!

Digging A Hole!

2008-04-21T10:55:00.004-05:00

Saturday was a pretty nice day in this part of the world. The sun was out, there was no wind and it was nice and warm.

Jules was at work with the van and I was home with the kids. At lunch time I decided that it was too nice outside to stay indoors and I went out to see what "Let's Go Crazy" and "Devil or Angel" were up to.

They were doing the usual thing. They had somehow tied a couple of skipping ropes together over a low branch of a tree outside and were using them like swings. A pretty creative idea, however they had missed a couple of safety points. First the skipping ropes were your standard dollar store variety and probably not the strongest available. Second, the branch that they were using to secure their swing was only about an inch and a half thick. Third, they were swinging over a pile of large rocks and old bricks. This was an accident waiting to happen.

After numerous warnings about hanging/swinging on this branch over the rock pile I came to the conclusion that they are powerless to resist the siren call of that branch. It was time for an intervention. I grabbed my hand saw and hacked that bugger right off. Problem solved! I should have done that years ago.

While I was out there I looked around to see if there were any other chores I could do. My eyes fell upon the old clothesline pole that was rusting away in the middle of our garden. A HA!! That shouldn't be there!

I ran into the house and got my trusty spade. Nothing more fun than a good old fashioned hole diggin'!

This was my first time removing a clothesline pole. Yes, it's true. I'm 37 years old and never had my clothesline pole cherry popped. It's not my fault. I just wasn't ready and I hadn't met the right clothesline pole! Leave me alone!

Being a clothesline pole virgin I wasn't sure what to expect. I thought it would be something like digging a hole a couple of feet deep and MAYBE digging around a small ball of cement at the base. No big deal!

Well as with any CanadaDad project it turned out to be a VERY big deal.

The first foot or two of digging was really easy, in fact it was fun. I was expecting to hit cement at any second and hoping in the back of my mind that they did a half-assed job and didn't use any cement at all. Once the hole was down to around the two-foot mark I gave the pole a shake just to see if there was any sign of loosening. None whatsoever! It was just as solid as it had been before I started.

Next, I had to widen the hole because all of the loose dirt kept sliding back in. Then back to the digging! My shovel hit something solid. I thought I'd hit the cement ball but it turned out to be a brick. I don't know why it was there or where it came from. It was just one stray brick all by itself, two and a half feet under the ground. I took it out and continued to dig. At about the three foot mark I struck the cement ball.

I thought this meant that the job was almost done. Nope! In retrospect I would classify everything up to this point as the easy part. Whoever put that clothesline in the ground did not want it to come out. Ever!

I would guess that the size of the cement block attached to the bottom of that pole was a foot and a half by a foot and a half at the top and at least two feet deep! The thing must have weighed at least 200 pounds (I'm just talking about the cement block here not the pole inserted in it!)

By the time I got that bastard out of the ground I had dug a giant hole in the middle of the garden. It had a diameter of at least 3 feet around. I was performing a constant ritual of digging around the cement block followed by a vigorous pole shaking. It was kind of like wiggling a loose tooth. Every time I finished the above ritual the pole was a little looser.

Eventually it became loose enough that I was able to use the last bit of strength left in my quivering arms to push the pole over and onto the ground. Cue the savage barbarian scream!

The fun wasn't over yet. No, No! I was only able to keep the post on the ground by sitting on the cross bar. As soon as I got up the cement block dropped back into the gaping chasm and the pole was again in it's upright position. On a whim I got "Devil or Angel" to sit on the bar. Her 40lbs didn't even come close. If I'd have stood up she would have been catapulted into the back lane.

My next solution was to have "Devil or Angel" shovel some dirt back into the hole while I held the pole down. This would have worked but it turns out "Devil or Angel" isn't much of a shoveler. I finally managed to overcome the problem by using an old dryer drum/fire pit as a lever and then swinging the cement block to the side of the hole. I then filled in the hole as fast as possible to try and speed up the process of forgetting about this ordeal.

So technically the pole was removed. I guess you could say the job was done. Hey, and it only took 2.5 hours!

But I couldn't just leave it sitting there in the garden...or could I? No, that would definitely take away from the accomplishment. I had to figure out a way to get this rusty ten foot pole with a 200 pound cement block stuck to the end of it across my yard and up and out of the way against the back fence.

Dragging it was not an option as I didn't really care for the idea of an 18 inch gash carved across the lawn. I couldn't lift it by myself, not if I wanted to keep my rectum safely inside of my body.

I ended up going back to the handy-dandy dryer drum. I would lever the cement block off the ground then using the drum as a pivot turn the pole until the cement end was pointing in the direction I was going. Next I would raise the pole and drop it in the direction of the back fence. After repeating these steps 4 or 5 times I had it safely stowed away.

The kids and I then celebrated the banishing of the rusty clothesline pole by sitting around in lawn chairs near the battle site enjoying Slurpees and eating ice cream.

I sat in my seat reflecting on the battle I'd won, savoring my Victory! It tasted like Coca Cola!

Editors Note: I predict that I will receive the most hits for this article from people Googling the following keywords: "clothesline pole cherry popped", "pole virgin", "gave the pole a shake", "the pole inserted in it", "vigorous pole shaking", "I held the pole down", "18 inch gash", "my rectum safely inside".

Unsafe At Any Speed!

2008-04-14T12:28:00.006-05:00

Finally, after 2 weeks of incessant "Can We Take Our Bikes Out? Can We Take Our Bikes Out? Can We Take Our Bikes Out?" I brought out the kids bikes.

One of our regular summer activities is to hop on the bikes and tour around the neighborhood stopping at any and all playgrounds along the way. It's a great way to kill off a day and burn off some of the energy in the kids.

This weekend was a little different.

"Devil or Angel" just learned to ride without her training wheels when the bikes got put away for the winter last year. I figured she needed to get a bit of practice in before I let her loose on the roads. That way she could learn some of the "extras" like stopping and looking where you are going.

So Jules and I loaded "Devil or Angel" and "Let's Go Crazy" and their bikes into the van and headed to the local park.

We pushed the bikes to the beginning of one of the paths and let the kids go to it. "Let's Go Crazy" already has a good handle on bike riding so she was off like a herd of turtles, nothing to worry about there. "Devil or Angel", on the other hand, was much more stress inducing.

She hopped on her bike and pedaled away. Not too bad. I was thinking she would need a little time to get the hang of it again, but off she went.

Then I noticed something a little worrisome.

She didn't seem to understand the concept of coasting. She just kept pedaling and pedaling, going faster and faster while Jules and I watched in horror. Her control was inversely proportional to her speed. She had insane wobbles of the front wheel but somehow she never fell off.

We yelled for her to stop. Which she did by planting both feet on the ground. At the speed she was going it looked like a painful procedure. She didn't complain though. I hear you don't feel pain when you have a lot of adrenaline coursing through your system.

This was the time when we told her about coaster brakes. So she pedaled a little bit, applied the brakes and came to a stop. We explained how to slow down by lightly pushing backwards, which she demonstrated quite successfully.

OK, now that we got that all sorted out it was time to give it another shot.

Off she went, again at top speed but this time she was headed for a long, steep hill. We yelled to her to slow down. She looked back at us and almost fell off. It was almost as if the handle bars were somehow controlled by the direction her head was pointing. She was heading down the hill and picking up speed.

We were helpless to do anything to help. All we could do was watch and see if she could put her new found braking skills to the test. There was no way in hell I was going to yell again. This would surely result in her looking back and possibly cartwheeling the rest of the way down the hill on her bike. I was helplessly frozen in my tracks. Mercifully, partway down the hill her instinct for self preservation kicked in and she managed to get herself stopped...by planting both feet on the ground.

When asked why she didn't use the brakes she said, "I forgot". I am so glad we didn't start out on the streets.

Once we were safely at the bottom of the hill we decided to stick with some flat land practice for a while. Concentrating on stopping the bike with the brakes. "Let's Go Crazy" didn't help by flying past at top speed. This only made "Devil or Angel" want to do the same.

By the end of the day she had gotten much better but still not street worthy, which she proved as we were heading to the van. Instead of stopping at the corner, dismounting and walking the bike across the street like her sister did, she flew like a bat out of hell straight for the road. Luckily Jules was able to grab her just as the front wheel was launching off the curb. There were no cars coming but I don't think "Devil or Angel" was anticipating the six inch drop off the edge of the sidewalk. At the speed she was traveling she would have been a walking road rash.

I had to go home and lie down for a bit to recover from the anxiety.

The next day we went out for some more flat land practice on a little used bike path. This time it was just "Devil or Angel", "Let's Go Crazy" and myself. I had my bike with me so I could corral her in if she started to stray. She was much better this time out and proudly admired her skid marks after each stop.

There was still the problem of keeping the bike going straight when she turned her head. This problem was multiplied by the fact that "Let's Go Crazy" was constantly racing up behind her screaming like a lunatic and generally trying to freak her out, with quite a bit of success. I'm pretty sure she wanted to see a crash. I'm happy to say she was disappointed.

I don't know how she made it through those two days unscathed. According to the laws of physics she should have had at least a half dozen bad crashes, but somehow she was always able to recover at the last second.

Good for her knees and elbows, bad for my heart.

On the bright side, this is the last time we have to go through the learning to ride a bike ordeal. The next time I have to deal with this kind of stress will be when they are careening, uncontrollably down a steep hill as they learn to drive my car (WITH ME IN IT!!). Hopefully "Devil or Angel" won't forget to use the brakes.

Financial Idiot

2008-04-08T13:50:00.004-05:00

I've been totally stumped for something to write about lately. You may have noticed that I haven't written anything decent in 3 weeks. I guess I've been a little depressed lately, which is a pretty rare thing for me.

Why?

I think it is because my mind has been entirely consumed with other worries. As a result I have no motivation to do anything, let alone write something entertaining.

If there is one thing in my life that causes me huge amounts of shame, this is it. It's a secret that I keep from all my friends and family (except Jules of course). I figure I can spill it all here because I have a certain amount of anonymity through my CanadaDad persona so here it goes.

I've been terrible with money my whole life.

It started when I was in grade 9 when I signed up for the Columbia House Record and Tape club. You know the one, 11 tapes for one cent. I was always late making my payments to them but eventually I fulfilled my obligations and quit the club.

A couple of years later I signed up again. This time I was even worse. It eventually got to the point where it was sent to a collection agency. This was my first experience with these guys and their no-nonsense, high pressure tactics. Once contacted by them I quickly payed up what I owed.

I was good until University. While walking through the mingling area one day I was approached to sign up for a Student Visa card. I was pretty excited about the possibility of getting a credit card so I didn't hesitate to sign up.

A couple of weeks later I got a call at home by someone wanting to offer me a special Mastercard through my Union at Safeway. I jumped at the opportunity and a couple of weeks later my credit card arrived.

There I was 18 years old with 2 credit cards.

About 8 months later both were maxed out from buying gas, cigarettes and booze not to mention regular cash advances.

Then the collection agencies started to call. Every couple of days they would call me. I'd tell them what they wanted to hear on the phone and then immediately disregard everything I'd said. Eventually I did pay off those debts but it took me a good 4 years to do it. When I was all paid up I swore that I would never get another credit card.

A few years passed and we had our first child. Jules got a Sears credit card at some point afterwards, for emergency use only, of course. We had lots of emergencies like groceries, Walmart shopping sprees and Christmas and again we had a maxed out credit card and a collection agency on our case.

Then I went back to school and picked up a shit load of student loan debt. I got a Canada Student loan and a British Columbia student loan time two. When we moved to Manitoba I had about $30,000 of student loan debt to repay. I scrambled to get a job and get us on our feet after the move and totally ignored these student loans. I got letter after letter in the mail threatening all sorts of action if I didn't address this issue as well as the daily phone calls from various financial institutions. I ignored them all. Why?? Because I didn't know what else to do. We were barely scraping by as it was and we certainly didn't have the kind of money these collectors were asking for.

One year, right before Thanksgiving, I deposited my paycheck only to find that it was being held hostage. I couldn't take out a red cent. This is not a good thing for a family living paycheck to paycheck, let alone the day before Thanksgiving weekend. I managed to make payment arrangements with the bank and have been making those payment reliably for a good 5 years now.

This took care of the 2 Canada Student loans and one of the BC student loans, however there was still a second BC student loan out there that wasn't dealt with. In fact it is still out there. I get letters regularly saying that they will take action if I don't pay them immediately.

Since moving back to Manitoba I've had another maxed out credit card that had to be repaid through a collection agency.

You see a trend here??

Aside from student loans and credit card debt we also have a terrible time paying our bills on time. It seems that there is always one creditor threatening to shut off our service if we don't pay up. When we get caught up on one outstanding bill there are always two more to take it's place.

I can't even tell you how many time our services have been disconnected in the last 6 years. Every service we have has been disconnected at one time or another with the exception of water. Cable and internet are regularly cut, like about once or twice a year.

This last month has been a hellish month as far as financial stress is concerned. Our hydro/gas bill was out of control because we aren't on a budget due to shitty payment history and we use a ton of electricity and gas during the winter here. We paid them $700 and made payment arrangements for the remainder so we will be OK with them for a while.

That $700 made it impossible for us to keep up with everything else. We had our cable cut off at the beginning of March. We juggled stuff around and got it reconnected only to have our internet cut off a week later. Again we juggled some cash around to get that one paid up and reconnected. Two weeks later the phone got shut off and with it we lost the internet again because it runs on the phone line. Yesterday that got paid off and as of last night we have all of our services going again.

That's not to say we are in the clear. We still owe a good chunk of change to hydro/gas and we have a water bill that is now outstanding.

Oh and on top of that I got a call from our most recent credit card company telling me that our account is over it's limit and it had been 38 days since the last payment was made. I had to tell the guy that he was going to have to wait 2 weeks and I would pay off everything that is over the limit. He actually threated to send it to a collection agency if I didn't make a payment of $60 immediately. By this point in my life this does not scare me anymore. I told him that I couldn't make that payment and that if they couldn't wait the 2 weeks then they could go right ahead and do whatever they needed to do. I don't think my credit rating is going to get any worse than it already is. All of a sudden waiting two weeks became just fine with him.

And so my life goes. I drive a shitty van and rent a shitty house and have no one else to blame but myself. I wish I could just give my paychecks to someone else and let them take care of everything because it's pretty obvious that I can't do it myself.

This is really the kind of skills that should be a mandatory part of high school. Personal accounting 101 or something like that.

Do I feel better about it now that I've vented? No. Not really. At this point the only thing that's going to make me feel better is a winning lottery ticket.

Maiden Voyage

2008-03-31T14:58:00.006-05:00

In my 36 years I have to admit that I've gone to very few rock concerts. I'd say there were only 3 real concerts I've attended.

I went to my first show in Grade 9. It was an all Canadian ticket featuring Glass Tiger and Honeymoon Suite right here in Brandon, MB. It seems kind of lame now but to the 14 year old version of myself it was the bomb!

My next show was Lollapalooza '92 in Minneapolis. That was an awesome event! Pearl Jam, Ministry, Soundgarden, Chili Peppers and more!

My last show was Primus in 1995 in Vancouver. 13 years ago!?? Wow! That's a long time!

So you can see how few shows I've been to.

This puny list is dwarfed by the list of concerts I regret missing out on. The top three concerts I wish I'd seen are Paul McCartney in Winnipeg in 1993, Pink Floyd in Winnipeg in 1994, and Slayer in Vancouver in 1998.

Anyway, about a year ago I was watching Iron Maiden: Rock in Rio and I was thinking how cool it would be to see Maiden live. I immediately dismissed the thought and filed Maiden under "Concerts I Regret Missing". After all it had been at least 20 years since they'd been to Winnipeg and I didn't think they would be popping up in this neck of the woods again anytime soon.

Well, imagine my surprise when I was cruising a local forum site last week and found out that Maiden was going to be coming to Winnipeg for a show on June 9th.

It took me a minute to digest this new information.

Maiden is coming to Winnipeg?

I like Maiden!

I want to see Maiden.

I NEED TO SEE THIS SHOW!!

I immediately started to look for a good recruit to go with me. Within 15 minutes Corporate Guy was on board.

Tickets weren't available until March 28th so we had to wait while the Iron Maiden fan club members presale and the other advance ticket promos ran their course. We were at ticketmaster.com right at 10:00am when the tickets went on sale. By that time all of the floor tickets and the 100 level tickets were gone. Damn that fan club! We still managed to get some good 200 level tickets. Not exactly where we wanted to be but who cares. IT'S MAIDEN!!

By the 30th the show was sold out. In fact all of the western Canadian dates sold out really fast. Calgary, Edmonton and Regina were sold out in one hour! Calgary took just over 30 minutes.

Here is a little write-up about the show from the MTS Centre website:

This tour revisits the band’s history by focusing almost entirely on their classic 80’s period in both choice of songs played and the stage set, which is based around the legendary Egyptian Production of that ‘Powerslave Tour’ as portrayed on the Live After Death DVD. This will arguably be the most elaborate and spectacular show the band have ever presented. Furthermore the band intends to bring along for this summer leg of the tour the colossal mummy of Eddie, as featured on the Live After Death DVD, along with various other elements of the show that would not fit on their 757 on the first leg of this tour.

Woo Hoo!!!! This show is gonna be awesome!!!

Butt Out Jules!!

2008-03-19T14:00:00.004-05:00

I quit smoking a little over 9 years ago. I didn't really want to quit because I loved smoking. I'd spent 9 years working on my smoker persona. I was a big advocate of smoking. I recommended it to all of my friends. It was a part of who I was.

But alas, the combination of the recent arrival of our first daughter and my weak, asthmatic lungs forced me to quit the habit. I was at a point where I thought I was going to wake up with emphysema or lung cancer and not be able to see my kid grow up. This turned out to be a pretty good motivator! I used the nicotine patch for 2 weeks and here I am today. I've actually been a quitter longer than I was a smoker.

Now Jules has finally decided that it is time to drop the darts habit as well. It's been a long time coming and it is probably the best news we could possibly hear.

I don't know about our friends south of the border, but here in Manitoba a pack of cigarettes will cost you between $11 and $12. That's a lot of spare change. So right away we looking at saving at least $300 per month. That's one good motivator!

Then there are the health benefits which I mentioned above. Also good for motivation.

But I think the biggest motivator for Jules was having the kids come home from school begging her to quit because they didn't want her to die. "Devil or Angel" put it best when she said, "Mom, I don't want you to be a ghost." You don't get much more to the point than that!

So she got herself a prescription for the new stop smoking wonder drug Champix. When she picked it up at the drug store the pharmacist told her that 99% of the people who used Champix were able to quit successfully.

The way Champix works is you take a pill once a day and then get up to twice a day. The whole program takes 12 weeks. For the first week you just keep smoking like you always do. Then you pick a day in the second week as your quit day. When that day comes you just stop smoking.

I know it sounds way too easy, and from what Jules says it isn't really that easy. She still feels like having a cigarette from time to time. Like when she gets in to the van or when she sits down after dropping the kids off at school. These are all just the associative habits. She has caught herself looking for the ashtray a couple of times before realizing that she had quit. Like I said she feels like having a cigarette, but I'm not sure she craves a cigarette. The craving is what Champix is supposed to stop.

Her quit day was Saturday March 15th. Today is March 19th so we are working on day 5 today. She is doing really great so far! I'm thinking that at this point it should be getting a little bit easier every day. From what I recall the first three days were the most agonizing for me because you had to find something else to do with yourself.

This is just another case where Jules has stepped up to the plate and done something she didn't really believe she could do. Kind of like when she got her drivers license at the age of 28. She was very proud of herself then. That's nothing compared to quitting smoking!

We were discussing this whole issue the other night before her quit day and I said something that summed it up quite well. I said, "The great thing about quitting smoking is the benefits start immediately and they never stop...unless you start up again."

This is so true! On the first day of quitting you save $11 by not paying for a pack that day. By day two you've saved $22. By day three is $33 and so on and so on. So far we've saved $55! Can you imagine the savings over a long period of time?! After 9 years, where I am now, you're looking at a savings of over $36,000!!! That's assuming the price of cigarettes doesn't increase in that nine years!

I can't wait until a few years go by and we're saying stuff like, "Oh look, you're smoking in that picture. That looks so weird." Then we can remind "Devil or Angel" about how she said she didn't want Mom to be a ghost. Her reply will probably be something like, "I don't even remember Mom smoking."

So, YAY JULES!! I am so proud of you!! This is an accomplishment that truly deserves recognition and praise!!

Birthday Time Again!

2008-03-10T14:39:00.003-05:00

Last week was "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong's" Birthday. She turned 10.

Wow!! Ten years. It's crazy how fast the time goes by.

This year she got a bunch of stuff. We got her the Guitar Hero trilogy and the wireless guitar a couple of weeks ago. She also got a game for her DS and $100 gift card for Walmart.

What else did she get?? Oh yeah! She got a sprained ankle. She gave that to herself when she was jumping up and down on the snow fort and it caved in under her. She got it a few days early but she was still able to enjoy in on her Birthday.

She got a couple of things from her friend Kate from down the road. Kate got her some Hannah Montana stuff and one other thing that all girls want for their 10th Birthday. Lice!

I wish I was joking about the lice but I'm not. WTF is the deal here!? This is the second time that she has brought lice into our house in the last 2 months. It was caught quickly by Jules. Not only did she treat our kids but she treated Kate as well. Then she got to go through the process of cleaning bedding and clothes and that kind of thing. What better way to spend the day?

I went through my entire school career without seeing lice once. NOT ONCE. This is the third time in a year and a half for us. What are these kids doing at school anyway. Are they playing musical hats or something?? Blah! I can't begin to emphasize how much we don't need lice at our house.

Back to the Birthday stuff!

Saturday night "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong" had a sleepover party with one friend from school and Kate. Kate had to pass a lice check first before being admitted!

The party began at 4:00 Saturday afternoon and ended at 11:00 on Sunday morning. With daylight savings beginning that night we got off an hour early. We were thinking! I guess Kates invitation must have been a misprint because she came over at 11:00 Saturday morning and stayed until 3:00 Sunday afternoon.

The friend from school, who I'll call "Mouth", has been an on again, off again friend of "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong" since kindergarten. I don't even know why they are friends. They fight constantly and I can understand why. "Mouth" is a know-it-all, bossy little brat. Which, under normal circumstances, is fine, however "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong" is the same way. When they get together there are major problems. They can't both know it all and they can't both be the boss.

The party started with a little dressing up and a little make up. Things were going smoothly. No fighting so far.

We then ordered some pizza for supper. All of the kids wanted pepperoni. That is, all the kids except for "Mouth". She had to have Hawaiian. What a pain in the ass!! So we ended up getting one Hawaiian and one pepperoni. I'm not a fan of the Hawaiian pizza so this meant that me and 4 kids were going to share the pepperoni and Jules and "Mouth" would share the Hawaiian.

When the pizza arrived "Mouth" decided that she was going to eat the pepperoni pizza after all. That was just great, now I get to eat the shitty Hawaiian one!! Fucking kid!!

After supper I noticed that there was a bunch of blue stuff in "Angel Or Devil's" hair. "What is that?" I asked, even though I had a pretty good idea what it was. "Nail Polish."

I guess "Mouth" thought it was a pretty good idea. Fucking idiot! Off to the bath for "Angel Or Devil".

When I came downstairs "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong" told me that "Mouth" thought she was a mermaid. At this point I couldn't care less about "Mouth". "Mouth" then told me how she was drinking water with a bunch of salt in it (I guess that was proof that she was indeed a mermaid). I don't know if I was supposed to be impressed or something but I wasn't in the least.

It was at around this point when I went upstairs. I was done with "Mouth". I didn't even want to look at the kid.

She never did make it through the sleep over. Her and "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong" ended up having a fight and "Mouth" wanted to go home. Her Dad came and picked her up just before midnight. I had a little celebration.

"Great!! Now I don't have to deal with her in the morning!!"

The next day we had a nice morning and a nice breakfast without the pleasure of "Mouth" the mermaid.

This kind of thing really made me appreciate how good a friend Kate is to "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong". I'd rather have 5 Kates at my house than one "Mouth". Lice and all!

Well maybe not the lice.

I Can't Concentrate With All That Thinking Going On!

2008-03-03T11:42:00.006-06:00

Last weekend I was going about my chores while 'Let's Go Crazy' and 'Devil Or Angel' played a little Guitar Hero in multi player mode.

The entire time they were playing I could hear them bickering back and forth as they always do.

It was all the standard stuff. "Get out of the Way! I can't see!" "Stop talking!" "Don't bump into me!" All the excuses they use to blame each other for their poor performance in the game.

Then I heard 'Let's Go Crazy' really grasping for straws. She yelled to me, "'Devil Or Angel' is talking in her head!!"

My first thought was 'What a crazy thing to say!!' What's next?

"I missed getting star power thanks to the beating of her hideous heart!! Make it stop!!" Oddly, that wouldn't be too much of a stretch for 'Let's Go Crazy'.

I was momentarily at a loss. What was she wanting from me in this situation?? I assume she was expecting me to clamp down on 'Devil Or Angel' for thinking so noisily.

I decided to play along.

"That's enough 'Devil Or Angel', 'Let's Go Crazy' can't play when you talk in your head so just stop it!" Then I left the room.

A few seconds later I came back and acted as if I'd caught 'Devil Or Angel' red handed. "Hey you're still doing it! I told you No Talking In Your Head!"

Then we had a good laugh about 'Let's Go Crazy's' desperate attempt to blame 'Devil Or Angel' for her own poor Guitar Hero skills.

Although it was no excuse for a bad game, I really like the idea of acting like you are annoyed by the thoughts going on in other peoples heads.

From now on, when things are real quiet at the office I'm going to break the silence by asking a random coworker to please refrain from talking in their head.

I wonder if anyone will try?

Rocking It, New School!!

2008-02-25T15:05:00.003-06:00

Last weekend "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong" got Guitar Hero for her Birthday. Her Birthday isn't for a couple of weeks yet but we got her her gift early. Why? Because we couldn't wait to play with it!

Jules and I agreed on the idea of getting her a guitar and Guitar Hero III. So on Friday she took the kids to the store to pick it up. She came back with the guitar and all three versions of Guitar Hero.

I was torn about this turn of events. On the one hand I was thinking, "AAAAARGH! Why are we spending $150 on a Birthday gift for a 10 year old." I never got any $150 Birthday presents when I was a kid! Do you know what I got for my 16th Birthday? A clock radio!! Have you ever tried to drive a clock radio to school?? It sucks!!

Then, on the other hand, I was thinking SWEEEEET! Even More Guitar Hero!!

I started spreading the word around the office about my new found Guitar Hero wealth and I could see the envy in my co-workers eyes. Well, 2 of my co-workers anyway. I guess the other just don't "Get It".

So I got home Friday evening and there was "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong" perched on a dining room chair a foot away from the TV shredding some tasty licks on her new ax.

I felt like one of the kids. It took all of my self control to keep from jumping up and down, whining, "My Turn! My Turn! My Turn!". I had to play it cool. Pretend like I didn't care.

I stood back and watched "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong" play a couple of songs before my will broke and I asked to take a turn.

It was my very first time playing Guitar Hero and it showed. Since I play a real guitar I had a bit of a problem adjusting to the strumming style. I got booed off the stage a couple of times before "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong" told my how to strum properly. After that I couldn't be stopped.

I love that game.

I've yet to sit down and play. If I'm going to rock out I have to be standing. How can you possibly be expected to do any high kicks and knee slides when you're sitting down?? Do you know how Jules prefers to rock out? Lying on the couch under an afghan. I tried to tell her that it's physically impossible to rock out under an afghan but she didn't believe me.

Another great thing about GH is that it introduces the kids to some good rock music (not a single Hannah Montana song). And they like it. They spend far too much time listening to top 40 bullshit right now so it's good for them to hear some good tunes by bands like Sabbath, Slayer, Maiden and Pantera.

I'm taking this opportunity to announce my brand new concert tour for 2008. The tour name is "Rocking the Living Room '08". It's a bare bones circuit. No tour shirts. No album. No Ticket Master. Just me, GH and a lot of High Voltage Rock.

Oh yeah! If I come across just one green M&M in my dressing room, I swear to God I will trash my own house. Don't test me! That's just how us rockers roll!! We're a fickle bunch.

The Bad Seeds!

2008-02-20T14:11:00.012-06:00

When I was in Junior High School in the mid-80's something happened to my class. We turned bad.

I don't know how or when exactly it happened but we were just an unruly crowd. It might have had something to do with all the shaker-knit sweaters and leather ties we were wearing. Maybe there were some subliminal messages in the Wham songs we were listening to that was compelling us to fight the power. Either way we turned rotten in a big way.

The first instance that stands out in my mind was a field trip our class took in the eighth grade.

It was a standard trip to Winnipeg that got out of hand. As far as I can remember everything was going just fine for the majority of the day. Things didn't start to go bad until the trip back to Brandon.

I can remember people shouting profanities out the windows of the bus at anyone within ear shot, I also remember people throwing things out of the windows, and the piece de resistance was when we'd pull up to a truck at a stop light and all of the guys on that side of the bus pretended to be masturbating. One guy actually did it back to us. We almost died from the hilarity!

By the time we left the Winnipeg city limits we were in a frenzy of pubescent idiocy. Randomly yelling "FUCK". Throwing stuff. Fighting. I saw this one girl let two guys feel her up (and it wasn't her chest they were feeling)! AT THE SAME TIME!! I thought I was going to a play in Winnipeg and I ended up watching a live sex act. This was the greatest field trip the world had ever known. My 13 year old mind was reeling. Boy was I going to have a story to tell to my best friend when I got home!

Then just east of Portage-la-Prairie the bus driver pulled over at an Esso station and declared that he was quitting his job and that nothing was going to convince him to drive us the rest of the way home. He went in to the gas station to phone in his resignation and all of us students jumped off the bus. The next thing I new everyone was smoking cigarettes. That must have been a real site for people driving by on the highway. 50 kids and a handful of adults standing around a school bus smoking darts.

Somehow the bus driver's supervisor convinced him to get back on the bus and drive us back to Brandon. If he thought his little episode was going to calm us down he was way off base. Knowing how close this guy was to going over the edge only added fuel to our fire. We were animals the rest of the way back.

We eventually did arrive safe and sound with many memorable experiences behind us. We were a good two hours later than expected but we did arrive. Strangely, the parent didn't even seem upset about this unexpected delay, even though nobody informed them that we were running late.

That was the last time our class ever went anywhere. In fact there were no field trips for any of the classes for a few years after that.

The next year our class became even crazier.

We had a new teacher in Grade 9. Mr. Roy. He was a first year teacher so he didn't really know what he was getting into. At first he tried to be 'fun' and 'cool'. That was great for us because we loved fun. However at some point he realized that he had lost all control over us and tried to change into a hard ass. Well for us there is no going back. We had absolutely no respect for this guy and didn't have any plan to gain any.

We pulled stunts on Mr. Roy constantly. Here is a list of some of the things we did:

One day we stapled everything he had on his desk to his desk
We closed the outside window on the handle of his briefcase. This was great because he could plainly see his briefcase outside but as soon as he tried to opened the window it would fall one storey to the ground below.
We put things on his chair all the time. Hot dogs were a particular favorite.
We locked the gym doors and barricaded the gymnasium doors that didn't have locks with all the gymnastics equipment so he couldn't get in. We heard him knocking and yelling but we all ignored it. When he looked in the window it must have looked like Lord of the Flies in there. We had all the equipment out! People were playing basketball and volleyball and floor hockey all at the same time. Meanwhile others were swinging on a 3o foot arc by the stage curtains. Eventually he had to get the principal had to come and unlock the doors.
Spontaneous games of cross-room catch with textbooks in the middle of a class.
Random seizures.
Once when the back window to the hallway was broken all of the class snuck out except for one fat kid who couldn't fit through the hole.
Class skips were very popular. It was like a game of hide-and-seek. We hide. Teacher seeks.
In-class ball tag.
Rounds of humming.
Once we picked up his car and turned it sideways so it was boxed in by the cars on either side.
I remember taking a math test one day. I got my test, put my name on it, traced an outline of my hand on the first page and handed it back for marking.

If nothing else we were a creative bunch.

Eventually the school administration decided that something had to be done. They instituted a system where they recorded each time you were bad. If you got marked down a certain number of times you would get a 3 day suspension.

This probably seemed like a good idea at the time, however 2 weeks later 6 or 7 kids had been suspended (including the student council President and Vice-President) and more than a dozen kids were headed for a suspension in the very near future.

Finally the parents had had enough of the situation. They weren't happy that none of us were learning anything at school. I spent a month of Math classes doing my work in the library rather than in the classroom with Mr. Roy, at my Mom's insistence. They basically told the administration that Mr. Roy had to go.

Poor Mr. Roy spent the rest of the year marking tests and stuff in the library. We all managed to pass the ninth grade. I did it with straight D's. What we all missed in education we made up for in good times.

The next year we all moved on to our respective high schools and I assume we all got back on track with our learning.

That was the best year I ever had at school.

Snow Fort

2008-02-19T11:06:00.008-06:00

This weekend I built a big snow fort in my yard. The technical name for the structure I specialize in is a "quincy", which is basically a hollowed out pile of snow.

There are very few steps involved when building a quincy. First you make a big pile of snow. Next you wait for it to settle (I usually wait a day). Then you hollow it out. That's it! After these steps you have a little winter shelter or a neat clubhouse for kids.

When I was a kid I remember building a couple of quincys with my Dad. Then, later on, I used to make them every year with my friend. When I got older I kind of forgot all about this great winter activity.

The first winter I moved back from BC I decided that snow forts would again become a regular winter pastime.

Since then there were a couple of years when the snow just didn't work out. Last year my quincy caved in on itself after the first day because the weather warmed up suddenly on me.

This year I was starting to think the fort wasn't going to happen. We had a lot of snow at the start of the winter but very little since. Over the last couple of weeks we had a lot of blowing snow and this caused a ton of snow to accumulate in my yard. It looked like we were going to be a "go" for operation snow fort after all!

'Devil or Angel' was really in to the fort idea this year. Previous years she had been too small to really get involved. The first year I built a really good fort she was too scared to go inside. She just sat at the entrance and looked in. Well this year she was going to be my prime helper.

On Friday I made the mistake of mentioning that I might build a fort this weekend. All Saturday 'Devil or Angel' kept bugging me. "Can we make the snow fort now? Can we make the snow fort now?" Unfortunately the weather was surprisingly mild on Saturday and the snow was way too sticky. I was starting to think that I'd spoken too soon. Nothing ruins good quincy snow like warm weather!

Luckily, by Sunday it was cold again!

That afternoon 'Devil or Angel' and I headed out to make a pile of snow. We ended up clearing out a huge section of the yard. In the end the snow pile was a solid 5.5 feet high and the base had a diameter of around 12-14 feet. For the rest of the day 'Devil or Angel' and I kept looking longingly at our beautiful pile of snow. The anticipation was killing us!

Monday arrived and I decided that we/I would dig out the fort after lunch. I hadn't even begun to dig and 'Devil or Angel' and 'Let's Go Crazy' were already fighting over who would get to go in first.

It was not a mild day at all. I think it was -34 with the wind chill while I was hollowing out the fort. I struck into the south-east corner of the snow pile declaring that this would be the door. After a bit of digging the kids wanted to go in and check it out. As I had only been digging for two minutes they were only able to slide in up to their waists. They came out and I dug some more. They went in again. This time they could get all the way in. Then I dug some more. Now they could sit up. This went on and on.

Eventually I had enough room so that I could stand on my haunches and really get some serious digging done. The problem with this is that you end up with a ton of snow that needs to exit the fort. I kept throwing it towards the doorway. Usually when you have a helper the helper clears the snow from the entrance while the digger digs out the innards. Since my helper was a rookie this year she didn't know that this was her job. She was more interested in playing around the outside of the fort. I can't begin to describe how hard it is to clear all of that snow out a hole that is no more that a foot and a half high.

After about an hour and a half I was completely soaked through and we had a respectable fort that could easily seat 4.

I assume it met the kids standards because they wanted to eat their supper out there last night.

Another successful snow fort adventure!

A Letter To My Van

2008-02-11T12:26:00.001-06:00

Dear Van,

It seems like ages since we first invited you in to our home back in June of 2006. You were the perfect fit for us. Back then you were so clean and reliable. We chose you because you had so much to offer the kids, what with your three rows of seats and your sliding door.

Do you remember the early days? Driving down the highway on a hot summer day without a care in the world. We used to go on picnics and road trips. We used to drive around just for the sake of driving around. Remember how much fun we used to have? I miss those days. Don't you?

In the beginning we had a give and take relationship. I'd give you gas and you'd take us from here to there. It seems that for the last year or so I've been doing all of the giving and you've been doing all the taking. We give and give but all we get in return is heartache and pain.

In the early days I was able to overlook your gas addiction. Every vehicle uses gas, and I can accept that, but you seem to be abusing gas. Every time we start you up you seem to need another 'fix' from the 'dealer' down the street. Now we find ourselves supporting a $30-$40 a week habit. We simply can't keep this up much longer.

We've put up with your incessant demands for new parts, but it's never enough for you. Is it? You can't just be happy with a new battery, can you? No! You always need MORE! Got to have an alternator and a starter and a water pump!

Do you know what I want?!

I want a vehicle that runs. That's all!! Just a little reliability. Do I ever get what I want?! FUCK NO!!

I have to deal with all of your bullshit all the time. If you don't get things your way what do you do?? You just sit there like a baby. You don't go anywhere. You don't even start!! What is with THAT!?

I spend months buying you parts and getting things fixed up for you and what thanks do I get??

I get a driver side door that won't close!! Thanks a lot!

So, I hope you're having a nice time today sitting in the driveway doing nothing! You just enjoy yourself. Don't worry about me (Like that ever happens!).

I just want you to know you can't just keep treating people like that! One of these days you're going to find me sitting in the drivers seat of another car. Then it will be too late. You'll have no one to blame but yourself. I can only take so much abuse.

You've changed, van. You've changed.

P.S.: Sometimes I fantasize about someone smashing into you. How does THAT make you feel?

Rebranding the Kids!

2008-02-05T15:04:00.002-06:00

After much deliberation I have decided to give my kids all new blog names.

At first I thought I would use the "Little Miss..." series of books to come up with names but none of them really worked for me. There were a couple that were just aight (as Randy Jackson would say).

Next I thought I would use the names of Muppets. After all the kids and the Muppets are quite alike. They are both small, noisy creatures with flailing arms. However when I started to look at a list of Muppet characters, I noticed that there were very few females. I guess The Muppet Show wasn't an equal opportunity employer. Who knew that the Muppets were anti-woman?

Finally I settled on song titles. There are literally millions of song titles to choose from. Surely I can come up with something that would stand up to the levels of mediocrity that people have come to expect from AverageLifeSpam. So without further adieu, I re-introduce the kids.

From this day forward (or until I get hard pressed for a blogging topic) the child formally known as #1 shall be referred to as "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong". You only have to talk to this kid for a few minutes to appreciate just how appropriate that name really is.

#2 shall hereby be dubbed, "Let's Go Crazy". This kid is like Jekyll and Hyde. At school she is quiet and introverted. At home she is a raving lunatic. She make stupid noises, yells, dances and generally just acts like a mental case all the time. She kind of reminds me of myself!

Then there is #3. She looks sweet and innocent on the outside but don't let that fool you. She's got some serious bad in her and when you make her angry she gives off an icy glare that can freeze your soul. The other kids call it her 'Evil Stare'. She shall be called "Devil Or Angel" after the song by Bobby Vee.

So, there you have it. New names! Wow! It almost feels like I have brand new kids!

Doing It Right!

2008-01-30T13:57:00.001-06:00

I got my first REAL job when I was 16.

I was a bagger at a local Safeway store. I had to wear dress pants, dress shirt and dress shoes which kind of made me feel like a dork but that was nothing compared to the stupid red vest I had to wear.

It was a good job. It paid well and there weren't a ton of hours to work each week, just enough to cover my needs. After a year I became a Food Clerk. That meant I was a stocker and if I was needed a cashier. That's when I really started to make the big bucks. By the time I quit working at Safeway seven years later I was making $17.10/hr. Not bad at all for a 23 year old with no obligations.

Although I no longer work at Safeway, I always prefer to shop there. Maybe I was brainwashed or something but I just like that store. I like the customer service. I like the normal sized shopping carts. I like the wide aisles. I like not paying extra for bags. Most of all I like having people pack my groceries for me. Most of the time.

I don't just want my bags packed, I want them to be packed in the proper fashion. I even lay out my groceries on the conveyor belt according to how I want them packed.

I put the produce together, I put the meat together, I put all the frozen and cold items together, I put all the bakery items together and I put all of the non-edibles together at the end. It should be very simple for the bagger to load'em up the right way. And there is a "Right Way". I've seen the training videos and participated in the testing process. They are supposed to pack your bags in the above specified categories. Maybe one time out of five they get it done correctly.

Last weekend I went through a till with a "Cashier in Training". This cashier was not only in training, she was also without a bagger. This is something I don't get about our local Safeway. They have all of these tills running and they all have bagger stations attached but there is only ever one bagger working at any given time so the cashiers usually ends up packing the bags themselves.

It seems that this cashier in training should still be a bagger in training. She screwed everything up! I had produce with my fish and shampoo with my bread. It was a nightmare (Ok, maybe it's only a nightmare if you're as anal as myself when it comes to groceries). I couldn't figure out how she managed to screw it up as much as she did. The stuff was laid out in order! All she had to do was grab an item, scan it and stick it in the bag. My groceries practically bag themselves.

The only answer I can think of is that she was purposely messing with me and my groceries. I imagine she noticed my impeccable grocery organizing skills and became resentful.

"Oh look at the hotshot with his categorized food. Let's see how he likes some frozen juice packed in with his bananas. What a dick! I see some soap down the line. I think I'll put that right in the same bag as the garlic bread with the non-sealed bag.Yah! You like that? Ooh, he's got some fish too! I'll just put that in with this bag of sugar. Anything else for you today ya jerk-off?"

I'll bet that this is exactly what she was thinking too. She was out to get me. She knew how I wanted my groceries bagged. She just didn't DO IT. She's just like the rest of them. They want to play mind games with me. They don't think I know about bagging. WELL I DO KNOW ABOUT BAGGING! I DO KNOW!! I'VE FORGOTTEN MORE ABOUT BAGGING GROCERIES THAN THEY'LL EVER KNOW! WHY IN MY DAY IF I'D PUT SOMEONES SHAMPOO IN A BAG WITH...

Whoa. I have to calm down.

Anyway I hate it when they don't pack my groceries properly.

Strip Mining For Booger Nuggets

2008-01-29T11:47:00.001-06:00

Ever since we moved to Manitoba #1 has had HER chair. It is a burgundy, wing-backed chair that sits in one corner of our living room. This chair is also known as the "bouncing chair" because #1 has this weird soothing mechanism where she rocks back and forth on the chair using the springs in the back of the chair to propel herself forward. She rocks when she's tired, when she's mad, when she's pouting, when she's sad, when she's listening to music. She's always bouncing in that chair.

One day, about a year ago, I was sitting in #1's chair and noticed that something was scratching my left arm. It felt like a piece of glass was sticking out of the arm rest or something. Looking back, I wish it had been glass or a rusty staple or anything other than what it turned out to be. It turned out I was rubbing my arm up against a piece of petrified snot. Engage gag reflex!!

How gross is that!? What kind of person wipes snot on the arm of a chair? Bleach! That was just the tip of the iceberg, as I soon discovered. The entire side of the arm rest was plastered with booger fossils and that's not all! They went all the way up the wing of the chair too! There must have been a hundred disgusting nose remnants running up the entire side of the chair.

I have never seen anything that disgusting. The snot dried in the same position in which it was laid. It was like some kind of sick time capsule. They retained that gross smeared look and the shine of a freshly deposited snot wad. Some were blackish, some were green, some yellow and some even had a bit of blood mixed in. It makes me shudder to think about it. And just to keep things even there was a matching collection on the other side of the chair.

She must have been doing it for quite a while to build up such a large collection. How did we not notice this abomination?

We got the chair all cleaned up and told #1 to stop it or we were going to show it to all of her friends at school. That seemed to do the trick, although I still have to make a point of checking that chair from time to time and there is always one or two nuggets waiting for me. I guess old habits die hard.

A couple of weeks ago #2 came up to me. She was really excited to show me something in her room. I followed her and she pointed to her wall. I couldn't figure out what she was talking about so I asked, "What are you pointing at? The picture?"

"No! Right here!" she said pointing at a speckled area.

I put my face closer so I could see what she was pointing at. It was another booger collection.

WTF?! It was a smaller collection than the one #1 had made but it was equally sickening. She was definitely on her way. I seriously think she was expecting praise for her nice collection. She just stood there smiling expectantly like I was going to say something like "Good Job!" or "That's a nice one!" Instead all she got was, "That's gross! Clean it up!" She seemed just as pleased with that reaction.

The only good thing I can say about #2's collection is, at least she kept it in her own room.

I understand that changing dirty diapers and cleaning up vomit are things that you just have to deal with when you become a parent, but chipping away at someone else's snot collection is where I draw the line.

My Accident In The Bathroom

2008-01-24T11:26:00.001-06:00

A funny thing happened to me at work yesterday morning.

I had just finished taking a leak and was about to wash my hands. On the sink we have a squirt bottle of anti-bacterial soap. I turned on the taps, put my left hand under the soap nozzle and pushed down on the pump.

Usually the soap just squirts into my hand, but not today! Today the soap shot straight out at Mach 2 and hit me square in the crotch.

That's just great! You couldn't possibly do it any better if you were trying. So there I was looking at a good tablespoon of creamy, white soap right in the middle of my crotch. I don't think I have to tell you what it resembled.

My first reaction was panic. I quickly grabbed some paper towels and started to rub the spot vigorously. I'm so glad nobody decided to walk in at that moment. There's me going to town on my wet crotch with a hand full of paper towels in the bathroom. Good luck explaining that one!

I managed to get myself cleaned it up pretty good. There was still a wet spot there but at least it wasn't a creamy, white wet spot any more. Then I started laughing. This is something you would expect to see on a hidden camera show or something. I even glanced up at the corners to make sure there wasn't a camera there.

Just in case anybody noticed and thought I didn't quite make it to the bathroom or something, I made a point of relaying the story to one of my co-workers. He thought it was hilarious and made the mandatory jokes regarding what exactly I had been doing in there.

My only remaining fear was that it would dry into a crusty white powder on my dark pants. I could hear the taunts already.

"Hey CanadaDad! Looks like you got some on ya! Ha Ha Ha!"

Or.

"Ummm, what you do at home is none of our business but that kind of thing is not acceptable at the office!"

Or maybe something a little less subtle.

"Hey Jizzy pants? Were you just spanking the monkey?"

The only way I could think of to back up my story was to have people smell my crotch, however this would likely only make matters worse.

Luckily it was totally unnoticeable when it was dry.

Partying In The Danger Zone (Welcome To The Jungle)

2008-01-23T12:19:00.001-06:00

Last weekend we celebrated #2's 8th Birthday at a local place called Playtime. Playtime is a brand new business in town and I, personally, had never even seen the inside of the place. However, everyone I spoke to about it said it was awesome.

We signed up for their basic "Birthday Package". This package included 8 kids (not including the birthday girl), the use of a private party room for one hour, 2 pizzas, pop and all of the playing we wanted for $124. We've done our fair share of birthday party booking and $124 seems to be an average cost.

Although we could stay as long as we wanted we decided that the party would only run from 1:00 to 3:00 (we aren't masochists after all).

So we arrived shortly before 1:00 on a Saturday afternoon. When you first walk in the door there is a little waiting area with a bunch of cubbyholes on either end for shoes and boots as well as a few coat racks. This is also where you pay to get in. Once you pay and you get a wrist band they buzz you in the front gate. Then you are IN.

We were welcomed by a young lady who told us that she would be taking care of our party. She took the cake and gifts and confirmed our pizza toppings and drink choices. She also told us that she would greet the kids when they arrived and take the gifts and put them with the others. This was music to our ears. Basically we didn't have to do anything. Now that's what I call a birthday party!

There were maybe another 12 kids in the building when we arrived. So things were nice and quiet and there was plenty of room for the kids to run around like maniacs. Insanity-wise, on a scale of from 1-10 it was barely a 1.

The main play structure had two sides to it. One side was a pirate ship theme complete with mast, crows nest and Jolly Roger. The other side was a jungle theme decked out with primitive masks and jungle camouflage. These two areas were connected by a number of bridges, pipes and ladders. There were also a ton of slides, monkey bars, gliders and things that looked kind of like small heavy bags.

Aside from the main structure there were two inflatable bouncing rooms, two ping-pong tables, a foozball table and an air hockey table.

Two seconds after we walked in the kids disappeared. Not entirely. They popped out of the play structure every now and then but they were paying no attention to Jules and I and that's just the way I like it! We wandered around and played a bit of ping-pong. Then we grabbed a couple of coffees and sat down in the parent area and watched all the kids having a great time.

The parent area was located on one side of the room. It looked like a little coffee shop, complete with a leather chairs and magazines.

We sat their on our asses doing nothing for about 45 minutes. I've never been so relaxed at one of the kids birthday parties. Usually it is two hours of stress and craziness. This was Easy!

So far.

While we sat there minding our own business kids kept trickling in. By the time we headed to the party room there were probably around 50 kids in the building. Still, it was only about a 4 on the insanity meter. There might have been a lot of kids but we only had to worry about a few of them.

We were only in the party room for about 45 minutes eating our pizza and cake and opening gifts but when we emerged you could barely see the play structure for all the kids swarming all over it. The structure looked like it was alive. There were also dozens of kids orbiting the structure at high speeds and in all directions.

Both of the bouncing rooms had a steady occupancy of 10 jumping kids. The parent area was now filled to capacity and the area just inside the doors was crammed with as many people trying to get in as humanly possible. It was now a solid 13 on the insanity scale, in fact the needle actually fell off of my insanity meter at this point so I can only guess that it would have read 13.

Everywhere I looked I saw danger.

The bouncing rooms have a single tiny entrance that is about 2 feet by 2 feet with flaps that cover it so kids on the outside can't see in and kids on the inside can't see out. I saw kids running full tilt and diving headfirst into these tiny entrances. I also noticed that the preferred method of exiting these rooms seemed to be bouncing and then diving out head first or firing out foot first. Every time I saw a kid streaking towards this entrance I was expecting a deadly collision resulting in a broken neck or at least a few stitches. How this didn't happened, I'll never know.

The kids orbiting the structure weren't so lucky. I saw at least 4 kid-on-kid collisions take place that resulted in wailing children. A couple were t-bones and a couple were head-on. The place had become a giant accident waiting to happen.

Everywhere I looked I was cringing at potential disasters. I don't know what the maximum occupancy for that place is but they MUST have exceeded it! I also realized that there was nobody really in charge here. They should have had some type of safety person, similar to a lifeguard, who enforces rules. But then again I wasn't aware of any rules either. There were none posted and I didn't see anybody getting told to modify their behavior in any way. I could think of a couple of good rules right off the top of my head. Like no diving into the bouncing room or no running.

At this point I was praying for 3:00 to arrive. "Please let the parents come and pick up their kids before one of them gets hurt!" It was really only a matter of time before one of the crying kids was one of ours.

3:00 came and with it the parents and a new challenge. We had to try to find the kids in the tangle mass of children that was the play structure. It was kind of like one of those Where's Waldo books. The last kid, of course, was the hardest to find. It took us a good ten minutes to track her down and get her out to her mom.

AHHHHHH!! Finally we were done. But not quite. We still had to get out of the building and that was no easy task either. There were now, what felt like, thousands of people standing inside the front doors. We had to work our way through this crowd and find our boots and shoes amongst the thousands of other boots and shoes and then back through the crowd again to get our jackets and then one last push through the horde of people to get out the door.

-30 Celsius has never felt as good as it did when I stepped out of that building. It felt like freedom.

Our First Computer

2008-01-17T09:51:00.001-06:00

We got our very first computer almost exactly 10 years ago. It wasn't new, but it was pretty close. We bought it from one of Jules Moms friends. She was a bit of a nut job who bought the thing brand new but could work it. I not sure how much we paid for it, but it was a Pentium 120 and I think it had 16MB of RAM in it. It came with all the standard peripherals. Keyboard, mouse, speakers, monitor and a printer. It even came with a desk (which we still use).

We were pretty excited to get a computer. We'd heard all about this Internet thing and we wanted to surf it up. We got the system home one day and fired it up. It was sweet! It ran Windows 95b, which meant nothing to us. This was our very first experience using a Windows based computer and we didn't know what the hell we were doing.

We poked around for a bit and clicked on some things. Somehow we managed to find solitaire and pinball. This was all fun and everything but we were more interested in checking out the Internet. I plugged the modem into the phone jack and we went about trying to get "online" (I don't even know if we knew that term yet).

We jumped around and clicked on anything that said "Internet" or "Connection" but no matter what we did nothing happened. So then we started clicking more stuff and started changing things we had no idea about. Like modem settings and IRQ's and memory addresses. All those things that you shouldn't mess around with. But no matter what we did, we couldn't get any web pages to show up. We even got some books from the library but that didn't help us any.

"Great!! It's Broken!! We spent all this money on a computer and it doesn't even work!"

We ended up taking it to a computer place to get it fixed. We explained the problem to the technician. Basically everything seemed OK except we couldn't get the Internet to work.

The first thing they guy asked us was, "Who is your ISP?"

We looked at each other, shrugged and stared blankly back at the technician.

He tried again, "Who is your Internet provider?"

He might as well have been speaking Chinese. We didn't have a clue what he was talking about. I was thinking to myself, "the computer is our Internet provider. Duh! Doesn't this guy know anything?"

Then he explained that you had to sign up with a company before you could get on the Internet. His business just happened to be an ISP. They provided Dial-up service through a company called Opti-Link. He signed us up and told us what was included and what the cost was.

This was a bit of a bummer because we were under the impression that the Internet was free.

Eventually we managed to get all set up we were on the Internet at last!

Finally we could look up all those addresses we'd been seeing on commercials. Now we could "do the Emails" and "surf the Interwebs". This is when I signed up for the Hotmail account that I still use today (before Hotmail was bought by Microsoft). Yes we were the toast of the town. All of our friends would come by and be amazed by the wonders of the World Wide Web because we were the first ones in our crowd to have a computer.

We had all sorts of problems with that computer for the next couple of years. We had to reinstall Windows at least once. Another time we filled the hard drive up to capacity because we weren't deleting anything. We just kept saving. I don't think we saved anything to a floppy disk for the first year.

Another time we got a stick of memory and wanted to put it into the computer. To us this was the equivalent of brain surgery. We weren't about to mess around with the guts of the computer. We got hooked up with "a guy" who could do it for us for cheap. We took him the computer and he kept it for weeks. We had to hound him for days and finally insist that he return it in order to get it back. I now know that it takes about 3 minutes to install a stick of memory so I don't know why he needed to keep if for so long.

All this computer stuff was great and all but I came to realize that I had no clue what I was doing. I didn't even know how to use Windows Explorer to find files! My Documents? What's that? If there is one thing I can't stand it's not knowing something.

My complete ignorance of computers motivated me to take a course and when I do things I do them all the way. I didn't just take some Mickey Mouse 'how to use your PC' course. I took a full MCSE - Network Administrator course and I followed that up with a programming course.

In the span of 2 years I went from a total know-nothing to a full on computer expert. I have been making my living working with, supporting and developing applications for computers for the last 6 years.

Now that I have all the knowledge I do I can really appreciate how foolish we must have seemed to that poor technician we saw to get the Internet fixed on our computer. I deal with people like that all the time. I think my experience as a computer illiterate helps me to empathize with those people that are just starting out.

Still. Every time I think about it, it makes me laugh.

LICE!: The Sequel

2008-01-15T11:09:00.001-06:00

In October of 2006 we had the pleasure of dealing with a lice outbreak in our very own home. It was not a fun experience. Although I didn't get infected personally, my scalp still crawled for weeks afterwards. That was definitely something I could have lived without.

Well, after 15 months lice has come back into my life.

It all started with my favorite person, the kid down the street. #1's friend, Kate.

She hadn't been over too much since the sleepover ban took affect.

I was about to link to my post concerning the sleepover ban when I realized, to my disbelief, that I hadn't even mentioned it on this site yet. It seems we get a blog within a blog today. Here is a quick summary:

It all started one Thursday night. #1 slept over at Kate's house. We had already said that she couldn't sleep there anymore due to the partying that goes on, however #1 assured us that she only did that on the weekends. OK, we said. One more chance.

Friday at around lunch time they showed up at our house. (Kate has a real knack for showing up about 5 minutes before lunch). The first thing out of #1's mouth was, "can Kate sleep over?". Jules replies with a big fat NO!

As the day progressed Jules had to go out and run some errands. This meant that Kate had to go home. But guess what? Nobody was there. So Jules got to cart Kate around with her while she did her errands. Friday is usually Pizza Night at our house so Jules decided to drop off the excess baggage at her house before she got the pizza. Again, nobody home.

Jules picked me up from work and I noticed that she still had Tag-Along with her in the van. When we got home Kate ran home to see if her Mom was there. She wasn't. So now we get to feed Kate.

We had Kate check hourly for her Mom. On one of these checks a neighbor came out and told her that her Mom was out for the night.

WTF?!! I guess we should call the cops and tell them that we have an abandoned kid here or something. Jules didn't go for that and we were forced to let Kate spend the night.

This is when we outlawed sleepovers with Kate.

We had two reasons for this ban. The first we didn't want #1 sleeping over at Kate's because we didn't want Kate's Mom getting the idea that we "owed her one" (and we weren't really too enthused about the idea to begin with). Secondly, we didn't want to her Mom to take off for the day with the notion that Kate was spending the night at our house. If it is a known fact that Kate isn't allowed to spend the night this should never happen again.

And now back to the lice.

Kate came by Sunday afternoon at her regular time, five minute before lunch. She hung out in #1's room for about an hour or so. Then the two of them went over to Kate's house for a little while. Then they came back to our house and then back to Kate's again. At dinner time and #1 had come home. Nothing really out of the ordinary happened. It was just a regular day.

After supper #1 asked if she could go back to Kate's house. We said no, because we're mean and because she's not allowed to go over there after supper on school nights. She bitched and moaned as usual but hey, that's the breaks.

When #1 came down from having her shower she was sitting in the chair when she says to me all non-chalently, "Kate has lice."

Nothing will get my attention faster than saying something like that. "She HAS lice or she HAD lice?"

"She has lice."

Jules was in the same room during this conversation but it was obvious that she wasn't hearing any of it, so I said, "Did you hear that?"

"No. What?"

"Kate has lice."

"WHAT?"

Immediately she got our the lice combs from our last ordeal and started checking #1's head. After a short time she'd found what she was looking for but hoping not to find. Lice! GREAT!!

Luckily we still had a brand new bottle of lice shampoo, so off Jules and #1 went to treat her hair. My head was already starting to itch just thinking about it.

While this was going on I check the heads of #2 and #3 and didn't find anything. Thank Christ!! The next step was to toss #1's blankets and pillow cases into the dryer for a while. I remembered seeing Kate sitting on #2's bed earlier so her blankets also got thrown in the dryer.

After about an hour everything was taken care of. There wasn't a lot of lice found on #1's head so I'm hoping that they were just new arrivals. I'm sure glad the sleepover ban was in affect otherwise we might have had a much more serious outbreak.

My thoughts?
What the hell is wrong with Kate's mother? It is certain that she knew that Kate had lice, yet she still let her come over to our house and hang out with #1 all day. Who does that?What the hell is wrong with #1? When someone says "I have lice" you say, "I gotta go." You don't hang out with them for the rest of the afternoon. You certainly don't ask to go back and hang out with them after supper. You don't wait a few hours to mention it. You can be sure that she now knows the proper response to a statement like that.
For now it seems that we are clean of lice, but we still get to deal with a few weeks of paranoia induce scalp itch and nightly lice checks for a party of five. Yay!

Also we have a full scale Kate ban until she gets treated. That's right! Her mom still hasn't treated her lice. She gave Kate a haircut and by the looks of it she did it with a butter knife. Kate used to have nice long hair. Now she looks like a Barbie doll that some kid took a pair of scissors to. This however is not the way to treat lice. Until she gets treated with some lice shampoo and gets all of the lice and nits combed out properly she will not be coming into our house. Jules told Kate what needs to be done and even gave her a lice comb to take home. Will her mother listen and do the right thing? That's the million dollar question.

Yet another instance where Kate has to suffer for the irresponsibility of her mother.

Poor kid.

Not Another Shitty Office Christmas Party!

2008-01-14T11:15:00.002-06:00

Last weekend marked the final event for my Christmas of 2007. It was the always dreaded office Christmas party. Anybody that knows me, knows that I look forward to office parties about as much as I look forward to going to the dentist.

Our yearly bash is always broken down into two mini-events. First we all gather at a banquet hall at one of the local hotels for dinner and then we move to a conference room at a different hotel for "fun" games and free liquor. I usually try to leave as soon a possible. Last year Jules and I left right after the dinner.

This year things were a little different.

First of all I was going stag. Our regular babysitter (a.k.a. Drunken Neighbor) moved across town this year and we haven't spoken to her in months so we didn't really have anyone else to watch the kids. In any case this event was deemed not worth the effort of finding another sitter.

Secondly, there was a small group of co-workers who seemed determined to see me get drunk. Since I don't drink at our office parties it is something most of them have never witnessed. I used to drink all the time, now I'm just not interested in it.

As the party got closer my dread increased steadily. I had made it clear that I was not going to be drinking and that I would be fleeing at the earliest opportunity. The "Let's See CanadaDad Get Drunk" crowd was extremely disappointed by this news. But I was sticking with my choice.

On Friday just as I was leaving for the weekend. I was approached by the "Get Him Drunk" crowd for one last attempt to sway me. I told them my basic argument. I wasn't going to drink because I was driving.

They tried to convince me to take a cab instead. I said I wasn't going to waste cash on a taxi just so I could drink. I then made the following deal:

"If you can get me to the party and back home again, without me taking a cab, I will drink."

They seemed all too eager to take care of my transportation needs. I told Corporate Guy to give me a call the next day and let me know the plan.

All that night and Saturday I regretted that deal. Why did I say that? I didn't want to drink. Now my Sunday was going to be destroyed while I recover. I have laundry to do that day. I have to go grocery shopping. Oh, why did I agree to that? My weekend was ruined.

As Saturday rolled on I started to regain hope. I still hadn't heard from Corporate Guy. Maybe he forgot. Every time the phone rang my stomach jumped up into my throat. "Oh No! It's him!"

The schedule for the party went like this. Drinks would begin at 6:30 and dinner would start at 7:00. By 5:30, I hadn't heard anything. I was starting to feel really good about my chances of getting out of the deal. Then the phone rang. False alarm it was one of #1's friends. Then it rang again. #1's friend again. Then Jules called from the store. All of these false alarms were killing me. It happened about 7 more times. I don't think our phone has ever rung so many times in an hour. By 6:15 I figured I was home free. If Corporate Guy called Jules would tell him that I had JUST left. Wheww! I dodged a bullet that time. I would never make such a deal again. I don't know what I was thinking.

At 6:50 I headed out the door. While I was en route to the hotel my cell rang. It was Corporate Guy. Ha Ha! Too late now! He called to ask if he was supposed to pick me up. Apparently he had forgotten the terms of the deal. I told him that he was supposed to get me but that I was on my way.

When I arrived the first thing I did was grab a beer. I then informed the "Get Him Drunk" people that I wasn't going to be drinking. They were somewhat upset about it but what could they do? I said I didn't need to drink to have fun because I was always "on". The issue was put to rest.

I decided that the least I could do was go to the drink up after the dinner to show them that I could party without being drunk. I'm glad I did because, to my dismay, it was a pretty fun time. Most people didn't even realize that I wasn't drinking. I had decided on the drive to the hotel that I would have one beer at the dinner and one beer at the drink up and that was exactly what I did. I nursed my second beer from about 9:00 to 11:00. I think it is important if you aren't going to drink to at least hold a beer in your hand. It's the least you can do.

It was entertaining to say the least. Corporate Guy was a blast. He was drinking what we called quad-and-three-quarter-quad rum and cokes (that's seven shots of rum in a glass with a bit of coke). He was on his sixth by the end of the night. His motto for the night was "I Do What I Want!"

Looking at the damage done to the conference room you would have thought it was a rock band partying instead of a phone company. At the end of the night 4 tables had been broken and the carpet was covered in a mixture of Cheetos, shaving cream and drinks. Apparently my company like to "give 'er" pretty hard.

At the end of the night everyone headed to the bar. At this point I decided to quietly sneak away. I went home and played a little Medal of Honor, watched an old episode of the Twilight Zone and went to bed. I awoke well rested and feeling great.

When I got to work Monday morning the first thing I asked was, "How was the bar?"

The other tech guy laughed and said it was a mess. Apparently he started buying tequila shots and passing them out as soon as he got there. His girlfriend became falling down drunk. They also lost their coat check tickets so were unable to retrieve their coats. To make matters worse at the end of the night and it was impossible to get a cab. They tried to jump in one with some other people and got kicked out! They then decided to walk home. It was about a 15 block walk and around -20 Celsius and don't forget they had no coats. They made it about 2 blocks and ended up checking in to a hotel for the night because they were both falling down at this point.

Corporate Guy was going to go skiing on Sunday. It didn't happen. He blamed it on the tequila shots. I'm thinking it might have had something to do with the quad-and-three-quarter-quad rum and cokes.

Everyone said that their Sunday was a write off. In fact they all are still a little hurting today.

I'm so glad I didn't drink.

I Hate Baths!

2008-01-07T13:30:00.001-06:00

Our shower head has had a small crack in it for a while now. It was working alright, but sometimes when you moved it a high pressure stream of water would shoot out sideways. If you moved it a little bit more it stopped.

Yesterday Jules told me that it was spraying water out the side. I assumed that it was the same old story and that a little twist would have things all fixed up. That being the case, I immediately forgot all about it.

Until this morning.

I got out of bed at 6:30 and trudged to the bathroom to have a shower. I turned on the water and pulled the knob to engage the shower and found myself getting sprayed in the head with water. There was another good sized stream of water shooting over my head and across the bathroom.

Oh yeah, the shower head is screwing up!

Right away I could see that this was much more water than I was used to seeing coming out of the side. I tried twisting the head around a bit, but all this did was spray the water in different directions.

I then turned off the shower. Once the water was no longer shooting everywhere I could clearly see that there was a much bigger crack in the shower head and that no amount of twisting was going to fix it.

It looked like I was going to have a bath instead of a shower.

I hate baths.

The only time I take a bath is when I'm sick and in those cases I'm not doing it to get clean, I'm doing it to make myself feel better.

I sat down in the tub and waited for the water to fill up. While I was doing this I noticed all sorts of debris floating around with me. A few hairs, a bit of sock lint from between my toes (at least that's what I hope it was) and other tiny unidentifiable things. Mmmmm Tasty! These were all things that would be washed down the drain if I was having a shower. When you have a bath they stick around till the end.

I noticed that I had the urge to pee. Another great advantage of the shower. In a shower you just let it out and down the drain it goes. Not so with the bath. In the bath you have to hold it in.

I washed my hair next. You never realize just how small the bath tub is until you try and submerge your head in the water. I pretty much had to put my feet up on the wall at the head of the tub to get this done. All the while I was wondering how many of those floating objects were now lodged in my hair.

I then grabbed the soap to give the ole bod a wash. I looked at the bar and noticed that it was covered in tiny little hairs. Leg hairs! I come across this from time to time when I have a shower after Jules has been shaving. Usually not a big deal. I rinse it off and away it goes down the drain, never to come into contact with my body. This time all I was able to do was move the tiny hairs from the bar of soap to the to the water in which I was soaking.

After this I was finished. I got out of the tub and dried myself off. After the water had all drained out of the tub I saw the remnants of my bath. There was enough hair in there to make a small wig. Ewwww!

I'm not sure if I was much cleaner that I was before I started. As far as I could tell all I did was water down my filth and the filth from the tub and evenly distribute it all over my body.

Gak! I hate baths!

Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire!

2008-01-03T14:02:00.001-06:00

All of my kids are unscrupulous liars. They have no problem with looking you square in the eyes and lying their asses off.

Don't get me wrong, they don't lie about everything. It's not like they come home and tell us that they just saw Superman riding the bus or anything like that. They only lie when they think they are going to get in trouble. Like, say, if they broke something or hit someone.

We have reached a point where you can't believe any of them. Your only hope of getting the truth is to ask all three individually. If you get the same answer from 2 out of three then the chances are that this is the truth. Thankfully they haven't figured out the art of framing their sisters for their own crimes. Yet.

At the present time I think that #3 is the biggest liar in the house. However it is impossible for me to be sure. #1 and #2 might lie just as much or more. After all they have been doing it a lot longer. Maybe they have me fooled. I can't tell. I don't know what to think anymore.

I do know that, as of age 5, #3 is becoming quite the little expert.

She is so convincing with her deceptions. She has learned that simply blaming someone else doesn't work nearly as well as pleading ignorance. When confronted with a potentially damning question all she knows is that she doesn't know anything.

Who did this? I don't know.
What happened to that? I don't know.
Who put this in there? I don't know.
How did this get covered in that? I don't know.

It's the perfect defense. She doesn't give anything away.

If you try to just outright blame her for something she is incredibly convincing with her denial. This kid should be an actress.

Here is a perfect example from the holidays:

The day after Christmas we got a locking doorknob for #1's bedroom. It was not so that she could have privacy or anything like that. It was a necessary measure to protect the stuff she just got for Christmas. You see, our house is not only filled with liars, it is also full of thieves and vandals. #2 and #3 have a long history of going into #1's bedroom and wrecking her stuff (I'm glad I'm not the only one that this happens to).

This year #1 got a lot of good stuff. A Nintendo DS, a jewelry box, a TV and so on. All of these things would be lost, stolen and broken before school was back in if they weren't locked up. So for the safety of her things we got a lock.

I took the new doorknob upstairs and set everything down on #1's bed and set about the installation procedure. As with every handyman job, it required a number of trips from the upstairs down to the basement to get some forgotten tool. Anyway the doorknob got installed and I was making sure it all worked before I shut the door. Everything seemed to be in order. I just had to do one last check. Lock the door and make sure the key unlocks it. It sure would suck to lock it, close the door and find out the key didn't work.

I went to get the keys and there they were, gone. I looked all over the bed. I shook out the blankets. I looked on the floor around the bed. I checked between the bed and the wall. I almost wore out my pockets from checking them so many times. I checked downstairs. Basically I looked everywhere.

I then came to the conclusion that someone must have 'lifted' them when I wasn't looking. My first suspect was #3 because she is also a thief. I approached her and asked if she took them. She denied it. She denied it so well that I believed her and ransacked the house yet again looking for the key. Then I asked #3 again. "Are you sure you don't have the keys?" Again an emphatic denial.

I was positive that she MUST have taken them but she seemed so genuine with her denial.

My parents were over when all of this was going on. I told my Mom that I suspected that #3 took the keys but she wasn't fessing up. She took #3 upstairs to ask her in a nice Grandma way if she had the keys. I was standing right there when #3 walked into the hallway and came back with keys in hand.

What a dirty, rotten liar!

I don't know what bothers me the most, the lies or the fact that I fall for their lies.

What a Gulli-Bull!

The Garbage Can Is Not For Puking!!

2007-12-31T14:43:00.001-06:00

Last night at around 1am I was awakened by one of the worst sounds a parent can wake up to. The sound of vomiting. Definitely not my favorite thing to hear in the middle of the night.

I got up and turned on the bathroom light to aid in my investigation to find out who just puked in their bed and there was #1 already in the bathroom. That was a big relief. I already assumed that a sheet changing and cleanup was going to be required. When a kid actually makes it to the bathroom before puking in the middle of the night it's a real bonus.

Upon closer inspection I noticed that everything wasn't as great as it could have been. #1 was indeed in the bathroom, however she was sitting on the toilet with the garbage can between her legs.

For some unknown reason #1 prefers to sit on the toilet and barf into the garbage. I bet she's done it at least 8 times. It doesn't matter if the garbage can is heaping full, like it was last night. Nope. She is only too happy to toss her cookies right on top of the pile.

My question is why? The only time this kind of behavior is remotely acceptable is if you have the flu or something and your body is voiding itself out of both ends. Otherwise it's just laziness.

There is a perfectly good and easy to clean vomit receptacle right under your ass! All you have to do is stand up and turn around! Barring that, we also have a sink right beside the toilet. It's not my number one choice but it is still much easier to clean up than puke in the garbage can. We also have an option 3 which is the ice cream pail that we keep under the sink for just such an emergency.

I don't really want to complain too much about it. After all, I'd rather she puke in the garbage than puke in her bed.

Christmas Wrap-Up

2007-12-27T13:10:00.002-06:00

It is now the 27th of December and it is safe to say that we've officially made it through another Christmas at the Ripley house.

This was the first year in many that I have had to go to work on Christmas Eve. Although I was AT work, there wasn't a lot of working going on. I spent the morning drinking coffee and chatting with my co-workers. At lunch we all headed down to a nice restaurant and then went back to the office for half an hour before packing it in at 2:00.

Usually the kids get to open one gift on Christmas eve. They did this as soon as I got home at around 2:15. Jules picked the gifts that they were allowed to open, pajamas from Nana. The kids promptly put them on and wore them for the rest of the day. #2 and #3 even went out and played in the snow for a while without taking them off.

We had a nice family evening. We ate dinner and watched a movie. The kids were jazzed up pretty good. #1 announced that she intended to stay up until Jules and I went to bed. She figured that if she could catch us putting out the extra gifts and filling stockings she would have proof that we were Santa Claus. So all evening when the kids weren't paying any attention we started moving everything from our upstairs closet to the basement. #1 could listen all she wanted, she wasn't going to hear anything going on upstairs. It turns out that this wasn't even necessary since #1 was sound asleep by 10:00pm.

Before the kids went to bed they were told that they could not get up until at least 7:00am. Any earlier and they would be sent back to bed.

Jules and I finished our wrapping and got everything set up for the morning and were in bed by around 12:00am.

At 5:30am Jules got up and headed downstairs to get things ready for breakfast and basically have some relaxation time before the storm started up. At 5:50am I could hear the kids talking and giggling. I had to get up and shoo #1 back into her own room and restate that they were not getting up until 7:00am.

At 7:00 on the nose #1 came in to my room to tell me it was time to get up.

Jules and I decided that we would let the kids dig into their stockings first, then we would have breakfast and then we would start opening gifts. To the kids this was nothing short of torture. After much complaining we had the kids fed and they were finally allowed to open their gifts.

The standout moments:

All three kids received a wallet from their Nana. #3 was the only one who bothered to open it up. She pulled out a 5 dollar bill and yelled "I GOT MONEY!" At this point the other two started scrambling to find their wallets to see if they'd gotten 5 dollars too.
The kids each got a card from my Grandmother. These cards usually contain $10. Sometime before Christmas #3 ripped into the cards and Jules had to tape them back up. On Christmas morning, when #3 opened her card she was very excited to see not one but two ten dollar bills. 20 DOLLARS!! The other two really start to tear at their cards. #2 goes, "I only got $10" and #1 opened hers only to find an empty card. "MINES EMPTY!" Obviously a ten got put into the wrong card when Jules was taping them back up. Quickly we explained what must have happened and we took one of the tens from #3 and gave it to #1.
#2 got a couple of really nice outfits for Christmas. When she unwrapped these gifts she opened just enough to see what was inside and then she said, "More Stupid Clothes", tossed them down and headed back to the tree to look for a REAL present.
#1 started asking for a Nintendo DS in October. We told her straight up that she wasn't going to be getting a DS for Christmas. They were too expensive. She wouldn't be able to take care of it. One of her sisters would break it. She had pretty much accepted the fact that there would be no DS under the tree. What she didn't know was that her Nana DID buy her a DS. The look on her face when she opened that present was priceless. It almost looked like she was going to cry for a second. Not only was it a DS it was the Pets version.

I got a lot of good stuff myself. I got a pair of Airwalks. I haven't had a pair of name brand shoes in 8 years so it's nice to finally have some decent shoes. I got the new Colbert book, some movies and a video game and some other little models and stuff.

The big one for me was a new acoustic guitar. I've known that I was getting this guitar since the beginning of November and have been really looking forward to it. I haven't had a decent acoustic guitar to play since I lived at home. I've been dying to play it since I first found out about it.

Christmas morning was the time when I was finally going to get a chance to try it out. I couldn't try it out right away because I had to clean up the mess from the gift opening. Once I finished that I would sit down and try out my guitar.

When I was done cleaning up the mess I had to help open and set up all of the kids toys. After that I would try out my guitar.

Then I realized that I needed to tidy up the kitchen and load up the dishwasher because we were expecting my parents, my grandma, my sister and my niece at lunch time.

Suddenly my morning turned into a contest. I had to get everything ready quickly so that I would have enough time to try out my new guitar before the company arrived.

I got the kitchen cleaned up and put the soups on the stove for lunch. Then I took out a couple of bags of garbage. On the way in I realized that I needed to shovel the steps. So I ran out and did that. Finally at around 11:30am I had everything done and could sit down with my guitar.

Being that it was a new guitar with new strings it was no longer in tune so I went to find my electronic tuner. When I found it I realized that it had no batteries. I tracked down a couple of AAA's and again sat down with the guitar. I managed to get 4 strings tuned when the doorbell rang. SHIT!

I put down the guitar and answered the door. It was everybody.

We visited and had a nice lunch with everyone. While I was cleaning up after lunch my Dad tuned the remaining two strings and started to play. He played for a bit and then I finally sat down and started to play. It sounded really good. Not more that a minute later the phone rang and it was for me.

Someone out there really didn't want me playing that guitar. I talked to my friend for a while and as I was getting off the phone our company was starting to pack up and get ready to head over to my sisters house.

Finally they were out the door. No more cleaning for me! This place can stay a mess until tomorrow.

I sat down and played with my new toy for a solid half hour until Jules came in to tell me that the turkey was done. How could it be that late already! This meant that I had to put down the guitar and help get the rest of the dinner together.

We ate our traditional Christmas dinner and the kids decided to eat their pie and ice cream by ramming their faces into the plate and grunting like pigs. Just like Randy on A Christmas Story. Now there's a holiday memory for the ages.

The rest of the night was a blur. I cleaned up the kitchen again, tidied up the house again, stripped the meat off the turkey and made stock out of the carcass. The kids retired to their rooms at a decent hour and Jules had a nap on the couch. I believe I watched a movie but don't ask me what movie it was.

Fully spent from a long busy day we headed for bed at around 11:00.

Christmas Without A Santa Claus?

2007-12-17T16:07:00.001-06:00

First it was parents taking away their kids candy on Halloween. Now this lame Mom has decided to take Santa out of her family's Christmas celebration. Why are miserable parents so obsessed with making the holidays miserable for their kids?

Judging by the article there are a few reasons.

The first reason was definitely the most shallow:

"If I spend hours finding, wrapping and presenting a series of gifts to my child, then I would like her to know they are from me."

Oh My God! She is upset because she wants all of the credit for the gifts!? What a fucking Glory Hog. You wouldn't want to have to share any of the gratitude with that thunder-stealing bastard Santa Claus. That is so petty and self-indulgent it's sickening.

The second reason is just plain lame.

She said that Santa is used solely as a threat to make kids behave all year. I guess there is some kind of law in place that says if you want to perpetuate the Santa myth, then you also must threaten your kids with lumps of coal if they misbehave. Maybe someone should get her a book that explains how all of this works. That she doesn't HAVE to incorporate the threats. Santa can be whatever you want him to be. Do you know why? Because you are Santa and it's make believe.

And the third reason, which is likely the biggest reason. Claus-aphobia.

She was afraid of Santa herself, and probably still is to a degree, so she decided to project her own irrational fear on to her daughter. I guess she assumes that if she was afraid of Santa herself, then it would only make sense that all children MUST fear Santa.

Get a grip! Since the Santa experience was ruined for her she feels that it's necessary to go ahead and ruin it for her kid. It sounds like she's trying to start up her own family tradition doesn't it? And what a swell tradition it is.

Finally she just doesn't want to lie to her child. Well isn't that a noble gesture. 3 gold stars for this Mom. I hope her kid doesn't come up to Mom at the age of 4 and ask if she is going to die.

"Yes honey you are going to die. But don't worry you're father and I will probably die first. But there is no guarantee, little kids die every day. Now run and play."

Lighten up Mom!

Get down off of your pedestal and add a little magic to your Christmas. If not for your own sake, then for the sake of your child. You only have a few precious years to enjoy the magic of Santa with your child and then the opportunity is lost forever. Don't waste these years!

Facebook Can Suck My Balls!

2007-12-17T11:50:00.001-06:00

Today I finally deactivated my Facebook account. As far as I'm concerned Facebook can suck my balls.

I used to like Facebook when it was a site for keeping in touch with friends. Then it went and changed. At some point they decided to apply a bunch of useless add-ons to the site at which point it turned into a big, wet sack of shit.

These add-ons, or apps, only made it possible for people to maintain some vague sort of communication with their "friends" without the hassle of actually formulating an idea or thought of their own and putting it into words. That's right, their only purpose is to make it easy for stupid, boring people to give the illusion that they have something interesting to say.

If you think that there is anything even remotely entertaining about these add-ons, please stop reading this blog, wipe the drool from your chin and leave this site. Go back to Facebook and forward some more spam to your friends.

While we're on the subject, can someone tell me what is cool about adding a virtual fish to someones virtual aquarium? "Wow! I haven't spoken to you in 15 years, here's a starfish. Maybe you'd like to come by and pet my virtual monkey."

BAH!!

This kind of thing only tells that you are either too illiterate or too lazy to actually write a message. People can post everyday for months and still not say anything.

I have been asked to add so much bullshit to my profile that I can't even remember it all. Top Friends, Zombie, Super Wall, Likeness, TV Trivia. There are thousands of these apps and they are all garbage.

It seems that the people that love these shitty applications the most are the same people who's idea of keeping in touch is to send out weekly chain emails telling me that Bill Gates wants to send me thousand of dollars to forward an email or that I would have good luck in the next month if I forwarded an email to 20 people (conversely if I didn't forward the email I would be fucked up the ass by a moose).

You know what? I'm barely interested in my friends to begin with so I'm REALLY not interested in being subjected to their constant "e-babble" (I don't know if that's a real term or not but it means any e-greeting, e-mail, text message, post or comment that looks like it should be a message but really has no substance to it. It's the "e-quivalent" of white noise).

I have lost a lot of respect for a lot of people after seeing how they carry themselves of Facebook. These are the people I wanted to keep in touch with, now I just want to keep my distance from them.

So today I decided that I can't take another bite of the giant turd sandwich that is Facebook. You all can just go ahead and eat without me.

Other Peoples Children

2007-12-10T13:28:00.001-06:00

#1 was has a friend that lives down the street named "Kate".

Friday night #1 slept over at Kate's house. It's always nice when she sleeps over at a friends house. Things are so much quieter.

Saturday morning at around 10:00am they both showed up at our house. Kate stayed for lunch and at around 3:00 #1 started acting like an idiot so I told Kate it was time for her to go home.

About an hour later she showed up wanting to use our phone because her friend was supposed to pick her up and hadn't showed up. Her Mom doesn't have a land line phone and her cell phone NEVER has any minutes on it. So she came in and called her friend, got no answer and went back home.

She showed up yet again just before 5:00 when Jules got home from work. As soon as Jules walked in the door she was asked, "Can Kate sleep over?"

I answered immediately from the living room "NO!"

Having a sleepover is a pain in the ass and I don't want to get into the habit of having her sleep over at our house every weekend. She just spent the night with us last Saturday and #1 just slept at Kate's the previous night. One sleep over per weekend is enough. The answer was No!

Kate then told us that her Mom was going to the bar and if she couldn't sleep over at our house she was going to be left alone at home until 3am when her Mom came home.

I wasn't having any of that!!

What kind of Mom goes the bar all night and leaves her 9 year old kid home alone? Either this was just some kind of trick to get us to change our mind or her mother has some serious problems! Either way I was not going for it. I basically said straight up that if that was the case then it was a problem between her and her mother. It is her mother's responsibility to make sure that her daughter is looked after, not ours. Jules then told her that her Mom was not allowed to do that and that if she did then someone should call the police and report it.

So she did not sleep over.

After she'd left I told #1 that if that was the way Kate's Mom is, she won't be sleeping over at her house any more. #1 said she didn't want to sleep over at Kate's house anymore anyway. The previous night they were up very late (around 3am) because Kate's Mom had a few friends over and they were drinking and smoking all night. (Did I mention that Kate's bed is situated in the living room?) The other time #1 slept over she said they were up late because Kate's Mom was listening to loud music. I wonder if she was drinking that night as well?

Anyway this is NOT an environment I feel comfortable having #1 spending her nights. So from now on Kate can sleep over at our house but #1 will not be spending the night at Kate's house anymore.

Sunday morning at 10:00am Kate showed up at our house again. I guess her Mom didn't leave her alone while she went out swilling. Kate stayed all morning. She stayed for lunch. She stayed all afternoon.

At 5:00 I was getting ready to make supper so Jules told #1 that it was time for Kate to go home. Right away #1 asked why she had to go. Jules said it was because we were going to have supper. I said it was because she'd at our house for over 7 hours already.

As she was putting on her boots I heard her ask #1, "What time should I come back?"

I answered for #1, "Tomorrow."

Friends are great and I have no problem with having friends over, however we already have 3 kids and aren't in the market for a fourth. I have a sneaking suspicion that Kate's Mom is starting to taking advantage of Kate's friendship with #1.

Last week Kate showed up on our doorstep to see if she could get a ride to school. It was extremely cold last week. Although Kate goes to a different school than our kids, Jules told her that she would give her a ride to school. It's not too far out of the way. The next day she showed up again looking for a ride. Again Jules said that it was OK. On the way Kate asked if she could pick her up too. Jules said that that would be fine. Jules is much nicer than me.

Ideally, in a situation like this, Kate's Mom would feel obligated to pay some token amount for gas. That would be ideal but we kind of knew that it was nothing more than a pipe dream. She didn't even bother to say thanks.

I haven't even met Kate's Mom. I think Jules has met her because I heard that she had come to our house trying to bum cigarettes, or maybe she just sent Kate to bum them for her. I have a pretty good idea that her Mom is more of a "Taker" than a "Giver".

Not only do we drive her kid to and from school on the weekdays. We also get to have her on the weekends. If we hadn't said no to the sleep over Saturday night we would have had Kate at our house from 10am Saturday until 5pm Sunday. As it was she got 2 meals out of us. There was a snow day last week. Guess where Kate spent the day that day? You know it. She was chillin' at the CanadaDad house from 8:30 until 5:30.

Like I said at the beginning, Kate is a good kid and I feel sorry for her. Her Mom doesn't seem like much of a mother.

There was something that Kate said on Saturday that really stands out. Her and #1 were playing a game and #1 said something like, "I'd rather be here than outside skating".

Then Kate said, "I'd rather be here than at my house."

He Knows If You've Been Bad!!

2007-12-05T16:04:00.001-06:00

I'm pretty sure that #3 is getting a basket of coal for Christmas. She has been nothing but bad lately and frankly I'm getting sick of her shit.

Last weekend I busted her eating a bunch of the chocolates out of her advent calendar. Not only that but she was also stealing the chocolates out of the calendars that belong to #1 and #2. The nerve!

Yesterday was a snow day here in Brandon so the kids got to stay home from school . They had a busy day as I found out when I got off work.

Here is a list of the things they did:

Broke the Futon
Broke the Toiled Seat
Ruined the envelope for the Christmas card I am sending my Grandpa
Ate an entire container of cookies
Cut the straps on #2's snow pants
Ransacked the bathroom closet
Pulled down half a dozen Christmas ornaments off the tree and scattered them around the room
Ate most of MY chocolates
Used up all of the stickers that are used to seal our Christmas envelopes

I'm sure there were other things but if I think about too much steam shoots out of my ears. This was all on top of the regular day-to-day mess they make. I can't blame all of this stuff on #3 but I'm pretty sure she a good deal to do with most of it.

After that bullshit I figured I had better put the Christmas gifts from my parents into our closet for safe keeping. This closet has a lock on the door knob as well as a hook latch at the top. Should be safe right?

Fuck NO!

#3 got into it somehow and ripped open a bunch of presents. She opened one of hers, one of #1's, one of #2's and one for Jules. She went into the closet took the presents out and opened them beside our bed. Jules found her gift, a gift card, sitting on the stairs!

What is wrong with this kid?

I'm sure she'll blab to the other 2 about what they got. She can't just ruin shit for herself she has to ruin it for everybody else too.

If that had been a gift from me you could be guaranteed that I would have take it away and give it to someone else, but it was from my parents. As it is #3 is going to be spending her evenings and weekends beside me. She can't be trusted to be out of sight.

I hope all that coal she gets doesn't make too big of a mess on our living room floor!

Stupid Christmas Shopping!

2007-12-04T15:06:00.001-06:00

Last weekend I bought my parents their Christmas gifts. This was great because I usually have a terrible time trying to figure out what to get them.

This year I found a really great deal on a book for my Dad. It was a book of rare JFK photos (My Dad is a big fan of JFK). The regular price of the book was $70 but it was on sale for $15. I also got my Mom a book and a book of crossword puzzles. I took my purchases home and wrapped them up right away.

This was an unprecedented occurrence. Usually I'm still agonizing over their gifts around the 23rd of December so I was quite pleased with myself for getting them taken care of so early.

Yesterday my sister and I went in to Winnipeg for my Dads retirement party and we had a couple of hours to spend at my parents house before it was time to go. While we were sitting there my Dad showed me a couple of books he was reading, knowing that I would find them interesting.

The first one was about Lee Harvey Oswald and the second was a book about JFK before he started his career in politics. As I was looking these books over I was becoming even more pleased with my choice of gift. He was actively reading JFK books right now! This was perfect.

As I was browsing the JFK book I pointed out the lack of photos. At this point he says, "Oh you want pictures? Take a look at this" and he reached down beside his chair a passes me the book that I had just bought him for Christmas.

BLAST!!

I didn't say anything about it, but it was such a disappointment. In all honesty I'm actually relieved that I found out before I gave it to him for Christmas. At least now he won't get something he already has.

Oh well I guess I'll be getting a book of rare JFK photos for Christmas. Luckily I share this interest with my Dad.

So now I was back to square one. I then started scanning around the house, half expecting to see the gifts I bought for my Mom lying on another coffee table or something. While I was doing this I noticed that they had finally broken down and bought a DVD player. Ah Ha! Last year I was thinking about getting my Dad "A Hard Day's Night" on DVD but couldn't do it because they didn't have a DVD player yet.

Just to be sure he didn't already have it I mentioned that it was supposed to be on TV this weekend. Instead of reaching down beside himself and pulling it out like a rabbit out of a hat he started searching for it in the TV guide and the programming guide on the cable box. It seems we have a winner!

Of coarse now that I've mentioned the movie he's probably out buying it right now!

First Day of Winter

2007-11-26T12:57:00.001-06:00

Winter arrived in Brandon today! If you know me at all you will know that this is a happy day for me.

Up until now we have had the odd dusting of snow and temperatures that haven't gotten much below -10 C. Not too warm but definitely not as cold as it can be. This is the kind of weather we can sometimes expect around Halloween. The winter jackets and gloves had come out but winter had not truly begun. But it was coming. You could just tell.

I had a nagging feeling that winter was at the doorstep and the time to prepare was at hand. This weekend my chore list was full of winterizing tasks. I put up plastic insulation on the windows, I disassembled the lawn mower and wrapped it up tight under a couple of tarps and I stored away all of the fall jackets.

This morning when I checked the weather channel my suspicions were confirmed. It was -16 C and they were forecasting snow from today up until Wednesday. It looked like winter was finally coming.

I went down to the basement and pulled out the kids winter boots and snow pants before I went to work.

Their boots were just the way they were when I packed them up...dirty!

I cleaned them up the best I could and noticed that #3 had holes in the bottoms of both of her boots. How come we never notice this shit in the spring?! So it looks like she will need some boots ASAP. The other 2 were OK. Well, #1 had a broken lace in one of her boots but those can be replaced easy enough (she actually thought that she was going to get new boots because of a broken lace!!).

With the kids all prepared for the weather I was ready to head off to work myself. After looking at the roads I decided that it was still bike-able out there. Just barely. I had a scarf, headband and gloves to go with my winter coat and it still proved to be a cold bike ride. Cold, but tolerable. There was a little bit of snow on the road but not enough to pose a problem. At least it wasn't icy.

Shortly after arriving at work it started to snow. It's been 5 hours now and it is still snowing. When I left for work it still looked like a mix between fall and winter. Now it just looks like winter. There is snow drifts everywhere. I love it!

Right now I'm really looking forward to the bike ride home. It looks like it will be my last ride of the year. Then when I get home I'll get to take part in another of my favorite winter pastimes.

Shoveling!!

Sick Day!

2007-11-23T10:28:00.002-06:00

Last weekend I was sick.

It hit me on Saturday night after supper and I started feeling better in the evening on Sunday. Nothing is a bigger waste than getting sick on the weekend. So I decided to store all of the sickness experience in my head and saved it up for use on a weekday.

When I went in to work on Monday I didn't mention to anyone that I had been sick on the weekend. Instead I kept it quiet and Thursday I called in sick. I basically applied the exact same scenario I had experienced on the weekend to Wednesday night and Thursday. When asked about it on Friday I could go into perfect detail about what happened to me. All I had to do was switch the days.

Yesterday turned out to be the best sick day ever!

First of all it was Thanksgiving in the US. I'm a big fan of the American Thanksgiving holiday and wish we could share it (in fact I called in sick last year for US Thanksgiving too). US holidays are strange for us in Canada. Everything on TV suggests that there is a holiday celebration going on but it's business as usual. It feels like we're missing out.

I caught some of the Macy's parade first thing in the morning and then drove the kids to school. This is the first time I've had a day off since all of the girls have been in school. In the past when I'd been home there was always at least one kids around. Not only was I getting a day off of work, but Jules and I were getting a morning together without the kids!

So after I ditched the kids, Jules and I went out to do some Christmas shopping together. I can't explain how nice it was to go out shopping, with just the two of us. We never get to go out by ourselves. We always have the kids with us and as a result we usually get in and out as fast as possible because someone, or everyone, is usually acting up.

It was so relaxing to just walk around and look at stuff. Even driving around was nice. No kids bickering in the backseats!

Since it was still pretty early and a weekday the store wasn't even busy. We could take as long as we wanted to look at stuff. No people in our way, no noise, no sense of urgency. I guess that must be what it's like for normal people to go shopping. It's been so long that I'd forgotten what it was like! We hit a couple of stores, paid some bills and managed to get quite a bit of Christmas shopping done.

The last time I remember a shopping experience like that was when we lived in BC and Grace was still a baby. 9 years is too long to wait for a little "us" time.

We will definitely have to have more of that in the future!

At lunch time I went and picked up #3 from school and got her home just in time to see Santa at the end of the Macy's parade. We had some lunch and lounged around. I did a little laundry. Me and #3 even had a quick nap on the couch before it was time to get the other kids from school. All in all it was a great sick day.

I used to take random vacation days that coincided with when the kids had a Friday or Monday off, but now I think I'll plan them for days when the kids are in school.

The next time I take a day off we'll have to go out for breakfast. I don't even know when the last time we went out for breakfast was. I'd say it was probably Smitty's in Sidney around in early 1998.

All of a sudden days off are becoming a lot more attractive.

Pierced!

2007-11-16T15:31:00.001-06:00

#1 has a bunch of girls in her class with pierced ears. Some have had them pierced since kindergarten. Every couple of months #1 would ask if she could get her ears pierced and we would always say no.

Well, few weeks ago Jules mentioned to #1 that she might be able to get her ears pierced for her birthday next March. Big mistake! After that everything that came out of #1's mouth had to do with getting her ears pierced. She was obsessed with the thought.

So many questions.

Will it hurt?
How much will it hurt?
Where will I get it done?
How will I have a bath when I have my ears pierced?
How will I wash my hair?
How will I sleep after I get my ears pierced?
Do you need to have special earrings for sleeping?
How do they pierce your ear?
Will it bleed?
Why do I have to wait until my Birthday?
Can't I get it for Christmas?

These questions weren't asked over a long period of time either. No way. She would fire out questions like this in rapid succession. She'd keep it up from breakfast until bedtime if you let her. This went on for days.

There was no way we could survive listening to these incessant questions for 5 months with our sanity intact.

We became so buggy with listening to the ear piercing questions that Jules took her in and got it done last week. It was the only thing we could think of to stop the constant babble!

She went to a hair salon and two ladies double teamed her, one on each side. I guess that way they don't have cry baby kids walking out of there with just the one pierced ear. According to #1 it didn't really hurt. Too cool for pain I guess.

Then the deed was done! At last! No more listening to the questions. We could now get on with our lives.

You'd think.

Unfortunately it's still non-stop ear piercing with this kid. The only difference is that it's just a different bunch of questions.

How long do I have to leave these earrings in?
Why do I have to keep cleaning them?
What happens if I don't clean them?
What would happen if I took these earrings out now?
Do I HAVE to keep them in for 6 weeks?
Can I get some different earrings?
Why can't I change my earrings now?
Do I have to get gold earrings?
What happens if I'm allergic to earrings?
Will I be able to put in different earrings for the Christmas concert?

BAHH! ENOUGH OF THE EARS AND THE PIERCINGS!!!

You would think that this kid was the first person to ever have her ears pierced. I wonder how much it would cost to get her lips pierced together?

I've Got A Boner At Work!!

2007-11-07T15:32:00.001-06:00

So for the third time this year we have to hire a new Web Developer.

The first hire was a dud, who lasted for about a month. The second hire was great, he shall be called BallsBurger. That guy was very talented and was a good worker, however he went and got a job elsewhere. Now we need to replace him.

We had a lot of bad resumes come in and we did a lot of bad interviews. Our last prospect was a guy that we passed over the last time were hiring for this position. In fact he didn't even get an interview the last time around.

This time he had a much better website and portfolio and he seemed to have the right answers at the interview. Not only that, he was also recommended by the outgoing employee, BallsBurger. We offered him the job and since he needed 2 weeks to give notice at his current job, he was scheduled to start November 15th.

Yesterday he sent us an email. The email said that he did the math and figured he was making about $2000 more at his current job than he would be making with us. This was a concern to him and he wanted to discuss resolving this problem.

My immediate reaction was, "No fucking way! We don't know anything about this guy yet and he has already been told that he would get a raise after his 3 month probation period that would be based on his performance. We want to get the message across that we don't negotiate with terrorists at our company. Who does he think he is anyway? Fucking money grubber!

Later we noticed that a strange thing was included in his email between the body of the email and the salutation. It was only two words but it was very suspicious. It said "BallsBurger said:". It became fairly obvious that he had copied the content from a chat conversation he was having with our former web developer.

After a little bit of investigation we found out that BallsBurger and the new guy are really good friends (thanks Facebook!).

This is what we figured was going on:

When BallsBurger left he was offered a much higher salary if he would stay. He didn't go for it, but we think he likley mentioned the offer to the new guy. It appeared that the new guy thought he might be able to make a play for the higher wage that BallsBurger was offered.

If his email hadn't had that extra inadvertant bit of information we might have offered him the extra $2000 per year, but as it stood there was no way we were going to budge on the salary now. We were going to call his bluff.

A little while later a second email came from the new guy. In it he said that there was a typo in his original email, so he sent another copy of what he intended to send. It was the exact same as the original except it was missing the "BallsBurger said:" bit.

WHAT?! Why would he bother to point that out? It was at this is exact time that I dubbed the new guy "Boner". I went back and looked over his website again and someone pointed out the fact that the title said "Welcome to my Webite". WEBITE?! It would appear that "Boner" has a serious problem when it comes to attention to detail.

As luck would have it BallsBurger had to come and pick up his last cheque yesterday. When he came in I let it slip that we were likely going to be still looking for a web developer.

Him: "Didn't you already hire someone?"
Me: "Well, we were going to hire "Boner" but he wants more money and we aren't down with that, so if he doesn't like it we'll get someone else. It's not like we are in any rush. We have all the time in the world to get someone for the job."
Him: "Oh, I haven't even talked to him about it."

And away he went. Probably to tell "Boner" that we weren't going for his bluff. After a couple of hours we responded to "Boner's" email. We basically said that he would get what we offered. If he didn't like it we would get someone else.

The next morning we got the following response:

"Yes, that will be fine. I'll see you on the 15th. Thank you for clearing that up for me. "

WHAT A BONER!!

Merry List-mas!!

2007-11-05T15:16:00.001-06:00

Now that Halloween is over it has become painfully obvious that the next holiday on the Canadian calendar is Christmas. The Christmas flyers are coming daily, the holiday commercials are starting to creep in and the panic is just starting to settle in nicely now.

The only thing that I can do to ease the anxiety is to build a shit load of lists. Nothing beats a good list to help wrap your head around what needs to be done! And if one list is good then lots of lists must be even better, right? In fact it's almost to the point where I need a list to keep track of all the lists I'll need.

First I'll need a list of gifts. This isn't as simple as making a single list. No way! My list will be broken down into many sublists. First there will be the list for the kids gifts. This is the most expensive list and therefore it is important to get this list together as soon as possible. We will also need a list of Santa's gifts, (this might require two lists. One for presents and one for stockings). Then there is the list for Jules's gifts, this one will have to be for my eyes only. Jules will need to create a similar list for me.

The lists don't end there!

We will also need to prepare some food lists. This will include a list of the baking we will be doing. Once we have that list made we can create yet another list, that of ingredients needed to produce the above baked treats. We will also need to figure out our Christmas menu so we can develop a shopping list for the meals we will be serving for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day. Usually we prepare really well for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day but fail to plan for Boxing Day. Nobody wants to go out for groceries the day after Christmas and we are almost guaranteed to be broke by that time anyway. Since the kids don't go for Turkey leftovers they usually end up having something lame like Mac and Cheese. Something about KD for the holidays just isn't right! This year we need to have a meal planned for this day.

Once these lists are compiled we will have a ball park idea of how much this mess is going to cost us this year. Without the lists we don't know what to expect and that makes things a lot scarier. Having the lists gives us the advantage of being able to see the enemy.

I think tonight will be a good night for list making. I'm going to fire off a bunch of blank spreadsheets right now.

How is it that every year I can look forward to an event that causes me so much stress??

Shopping For Pumpkins Is Fun!

2007-10-29T16:20:00.001-05:00

A couple of years ago our house got skunked for pumpkins. There was an early frost that year or something and as a result there was some kind of pumpkin blight. The poor kids were totally bummed out when they found out that they wouldn't be carving any Jack-O-Lanterns. That year I vowed that it would never happen again.

So, I was out grocery shopping with #1 yesterday and figured I had better pick up some pumpkins for Halloween. After all it was only 3 days until the big day. No big deal. Just pick up a few pumpkins and head home. I'd seen plenty of pumpkins in the stores so it should be as simple as going in an picking them up.

It turned out to be quite a bit more complicated than that.

When we got to the grocery store I immediately went over to check out the pumpkins. I made sure to keep calling them "punkins", it was driving #1 bonkers. They had pumpkins alright, but they were all about as big as my torso. I was kind of hoping for something that weighed in under 25lbs. They had nothing like that.

Again not a big deal there was a locally owned store close to our house that I could try on the way home.

We wandered into store number two and found a similar scenario. They had some pumpkins but none smaller than 25lbs and they cost twice as much as they did at the first store!

On to store number three!

Store number three was Super Store. I HATE Super Store. I hate everything about it. I hate the the parking lot, the building, the carts, the products, the staff and especially the other shoppers. Luckily #1 feels the same way, so we both complained about it from the time we pulled into the parking lot until the time we drove away.

First we got out of the van and grabbed a cart. Not just a regular cart. Super Store has those giant, god-awful carts that can seat 4 kids across. The bottom of the cart is about double the size of a standard cart but for some reason the sides only go up about ten inches. What is the point of that?! Anyway we grab our stupid cart and head for the store.

Outside the doors they had a bunch of "Ghost Pumpkins". I'd never seen Ghost Pumpkins before. They were regular pumpkins that were the color of a honeydew melon. I thought these might be cool, however #1 said she didn't want that kind because people would laugh at us. Whatever.

We finally made our way inside and began to enjoy the Super Store experience. Hordes of other people with these ridiculously large carts trying to navigate aisles that are not quite large enough for 2 carts to pass. As if that isn't bad enough, there are all of these shoppers that just stand there in a daze. They are totally oblivious to the fact that they have blocked the aisle and have created a jam of 10 shoppers on either side. I think they must have shell shock or are having a stroke or something.

We navigated around all the stupid carts and stroke victims and finally managed to reach the produce department. What did we find there? More carts. More non-moving people. More anger. But not a single pumpkin. Now we had to push our stupid cart all the way back through the store so we could get our dollar back for returning it. God I hate that place!

Next we drove across town to Sobey's. Finally we found the secret stash of pumpkins! They had a bunch. We picked out three nice ones and proceeded to the checkout.

As we were walking to the van with our bounty I saw an older couple loading two nice pumpkins into their van. I suggested to #1 that we should beat them up and steal their pumpkins. She didn't go for it.

Those people are lucky we didn't come across them in the Super Store parking lot instead. Those pumpkins would have been ours.

Office Halloween Party?!

2007-10-24T12:35:00.001-05:00

This year at work someone had the bright idea that we should have a Halloween party. It was brought up at our last team meeting. Our team decided that we would close the doors at 3:30 on Halloween and all go up to the boardroom and have pizza and wear costumes until we close at 5:00. Yay fun.

As usual, I thought it was a stupid idea. I told them right away that I had no intention dressing up. They tried to threaten me by saying that if I didn't dress up I couldn't come for pizza. I thought that sounded like a great idea but then they took back the threat when they realized it only further encouraged me not to dress up.

Just when I thought it couldn't get any lamer...last week someone thought it would be a cool idea if we rented a scary movie to watch. WTF? Are we in grade 6 here? What's next? A round of heads-up-seven-up?

We then needed 4 days to decide which movie to watch. In the end they picked Planet Terror, a movie I just watched last weekend.

I don't know how this idea ever got approved. At this point I'm looking for any excuse to miss this awesome time. It's one thing to blow off company time for a Christmas event but to do it in the name of Halloween?? Maybe I'm too cynical, but it all just seems kind of ridiculous to me.

Who Blabbed?!

2007-10-18T10:53:00.001-05:00

Yesterday was my 36th Birthday.

It's almost like becoming a double-adult. My second 18. I have been an adult (physically maybe, but definitely not mentally) for over half of my life from this point on.

Every year I go to great pains to make sure that nobody knows that it is my Birthday. I'm just not into doing anything that involves drawing a lot of attention to myself. I much prefer to have a regular day with business as usual. So it's my tradition every year I keep my mouth shut and let the day slide by.

This year I even made sure to edit my Facebook profile and move my Birthday back 4 months so as to avoid alerting anyone on my friend list about the upcoming event. My sister picked up on my deception right away and was considering outing me on my wall but thought better of it. The last thing I need it a bunch of Happy Birthdays on my wall, to which I would then be obligated to return a thanks message. That's right I'm a real Birthday Scrooge. Bah Humbug!

So yesterday I was at work keeping things nice and quiet as usual.

In the afternoon I was taking one of the company vehicles to get an oil change. As I was walking to the car I walked past our retail manager and she said, "Happy Birthday!"

That was odd. How did she know? From my employee records maybe? Oh well not a big deal at least we were outside where no one else could over hear it.

Later on when I was back in my office one of the sales reps from the store called me about some issue. During the conversation this person also said "Happy Birthday."

OK now things were getting strange. There is no way that this person should know that it was my Birthday. There has definitely been some kind of leak.

About 20 minutes before the end of the day, I heard a bit of activity and low-talking in the hallway. I immediately went on high alert. I noticed that it seemed they were trying to round up the staff. All of the staff except me, that is.

Oh Crap! The jig was up. They were on to me!

I had just enough time to call out, "Hey! What's going on out there?" before everyone in the building burst into my doorway with a card and cupcakes, singing Happy Birthday.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is exactly why I try to keep my Birthday hidden. I truly hate that kind of thing.

It turns out the comptrollers assistant had gone through the employment records and marked her calendar with all of the staff Birthdays.

Curses! This was the first year since I started working here that I wasn't able to sneak by unnoticed and by the looks of things I won't be able to sneak by anymore.

Next year I'm calling in sick.

It's Like Taking Candy From Babies!

2007-10-15T13:28:00.001-05:00

I was reading a parent oriented site today and there was an article about having a candy-free Halloween.

Candy Free Halloween??

To me that's like trying to have turkey-less Thanksgiving, egg-less Easter and present-free Christmas.

Why do people feel the need to fuck with a perfectly good tradition in the name of raising a more perfect little Johnny or Susie?

Did these parent's experience some horrible side effect from eating candy at Halloween in their lives? Are they sporting a mouth full of dentures from too many Milk Duds when they were 10? Or could it be that they are just following the ultra healthy, mega safe child rearing trend that is trying to sap every ounce of fun from the lives of their children? I'd be willing to bet that the parents that are into candy-free Halloween are also probably the same ones who feel the need to schedule every minute of their children's days with dance lessons, swim lessons, baseball, youth clubs and "play dates".

Tangent time!

What the fuck is with the term "Play Date" anyway?! When I was a kid we had the same thing only it was called "Going over to your friends house for coffee". The only thing that makes it a "play date" is the fact that the friend also has a kid. "Play date" is nothing more than a politically correct term to make the parent feel like they are doing something specifically for their kid instead of facing the reality that they are dragging their kid along with them to visit their own friend. Your not fooling me, I know you're real motive!

Now back to candy-less Halloween.

What is so wrong with a kid enjoying a good old fashioned pile of candy to celebrate Halloween. You don't let the kid eat it all in one night! God forbid your kid should enjoy a treat. On this same parent site some of the parent proudly state that their kids have never had candy in their lives. "Way to go hero! Do you want a medal? Maybe you could become the awesome-est parent ever and deny your kid toys as well. You fucking, controlling freak!"

These "people" have attempted to bastardize the Halloween tradition by making up "fairys" who come and steal the kids hard earned candy in the middle of the night and replace it with a gift. This candy thieving spirit is known by several names including "The Sugar Fairy", "The Switch Witch" and "The Halloween Witch". I have a better name "The Mean Parent Witch Who Is Robbing Me Of Not Only My Candy But My Childhood."

What happens to the candy after the parent steals it? Do they eat it? Throw it out? No, no that can't be it. What would be the politically correct thing to do? What would enable them to boast about what a great person they are to anyone who will listen? I know! Give the candy to poor kids! That will definitely get the parents some extra getting-into-heaven points!

These kids are going to be so deprived of everything pleasurable growing up that once they leave home and become exposed to the pleasures that are available they are going to go into overload. They won't be able to control themselves! They are going to dive in to anything they can get their hands on. Congrats! You are raising the future crack heads of America!

I can only assume that these overly-cautious, over-protective, doting parents must have had a terrible youth. They must think their parents did a terrible job raising them. What with exposing them to serious harm by letting them have candy for Halloween and such. They seem to have a need to remove all of the things that I, personally, loved about being a kid. They don't let their kids out of the house/yard. They don't let their kids watch TV. They don't let their kids eat candy. I must have been some kind of fluke because I did all of these things and I turned into a healthy adult.

When I watch my kids dig into their Halloween booty this year, I'm going to enjoy it even more knowing that my kids are lucky to have parents who believe in letting kids enjoy the things that kids enjoy. My heart goes out to the poor kids who get robbed of their candy each Halloween.

Kidz in the Hood

2007-10-10T10:43:00.001-05:00

For a couple of years there was a girl that lived up the back lane from us, I'll call her Greaseball. Greaseball is the same age as #2 and she used to come over and play with the girls all the time. I mean ALL THE TIME.

When she came over she only wanted to play with #1. She was a real bitch to #2 and #3, unless of course #1 wasn't around, then #2 and #3 were just fine. I couldn't stand that kid. She was a constant pain in the ass. When you told her something she just stared at you like moron. The lights were on but nobody was home. I think she must have gotten that from her mother, because talking to her Mom is like talking to a post. There is something foul in that gene pool!

Greaseball would always lure the kids to places they aren't allowed to play like the street or the back lane. She would try and get them to go across the busy street in front of the house to go to the store (somehow this kid always seemed to have $5 to blow on candy and crap). I ended up telling her that if she was playing with my kids that she had to follow our rules and stay in the yard. If she wanted to go to the store that was fine but she would have to go home afterwards.

They tried to get around this rule by going over to her house to play. I was not cool with this. I didn't like the idea of the kids playing with this trouble maker out of my sight. Not to mention she lives in a shitty house with shady people. The house is divided up into at least three apartments. Outside of the house is a picnic table where a group of 3-4 adults sit perpetually drinking. Sometimes I see them digging through the dumpsters. Last year someone got stabbed there. It a real nice place!

Towards the end of last year I think she was ditching school. She kept coming over to our house in the middle of the day to play with #3. She always had excuses like "The school is closed" or "My Mom is sick". I think she was just pretending to go to to school and just didn't go. Then after a while she would get bored, or maybe she was waiting for her mom to go to work, and she would come by our place to kill off the rest of the day.

This spring a new kid arrived on the scene. She moved into one of the apartments in the same house that Greaseball lived in. This kid was close to the same age as #1. She was a vast improvement over Greaseball. She seemed well mannered, she was quiet and had the capacity to listen to what she was told. I'll call her TheGirl. For a while Greaseball and TheGirl played together by themselves. I think they might be cousins or something.

At the beginning of the summer my dreams came true and Greaseball moved across town.

Shortly after this TheGirl started coming around fairly regularly. All was well. They stayed where they were allowed to play. She only came around at regular times and she was nice to all the kids. I even felt comfortable with #1 going over to her house to play.

Then the problems started up.

Greaseball comes over to visit TheGirl every now and then. Once this happens TheGirl turns into a real shit. All of a sudden they are back out in the street, playing Ding Dong Ditch on the neighbors, treating #2 and #3 like assholes and all sorts of stupid shit like that.

Last night all of the kids were in the yard and Greaseball was doing some of her trademark stupid shit. According to #1 she was trying to get me mad or something. It worked. I booted her ass out of our yard. As a parting insult Greaseball called #2 a toilethead as she was leaving. Then #2 did me proud. She leaned over the top of the fence and yelled after her, "BYE, FARTHEAD!"
What a great kid! Don't take shit from anyone #2! Now if I could only get her to take a swing at her. But alas, that would be wrong. Satisfying? Yes. But still wrong.

So now we have a new rule. Greaseball isn't allowed over anymore and nobody will be playing with TheGirl while Greaseball is visiting. We are boycotting the Greaseball.

Fuck I hate that kid!

Sleep Walking

2007-10-04T16:48:00.001-05:00

When I was about 14-16 years old I used to have a problem with sleep walking.

There were a number of times when I would wake up standing in complete darkness in my room and then have to get my bearings, bumping into walls and such, until I could get myself back into bed. Once I woke up in front of the mirror and just about shit myself thinking there was someone else in the room. These were fairly uneventful sleepwalking episodes. However, there were two nights that really stand out.

The first episode happened one night when I had a friend sleeping over. I got up in the middle of the night and walked in to my parents bedroom and announced that "The chicken is here". This quickly woke my parents up. Then my mom asks, "What?" So I repeated, "The chicken is here". My Dad confessed the next morning that he was completely freaked out at this point, I think he thought I'd become possessed. Then Mom asked me what I meant. I started to explain that the KFC guy was at the door with the chicken and I needed some money to pay the guy. As I was saying this I started to come to my senses, realizing that what I was saying was utter nonsense. I then returned to my room and went back to sleep.

We all had a pretty good laugh about that one for a while. For weeks afterwards I would randomly start walking like a zombie saying, "Chicken's Here" and everyone would crack up.

The other standout was by far the most confusing time ever. I woke up one night standing in complete darkness. I didn't know where I was or how I got there. All I did know was that I had to go to the bathroom. Before I could go pee I had to try and figure out exactly where I was. For some reason I was pretty sure I was downstairs at the doorway between the living room and the kitchen, which meant the fridge should be right in front of me. No problem. I figured if I opened the fridge the light would come on and I could see where I was and I would be on my way. I reached out to open the fridge but my hand kept hitting a wooden door (this turned out to be my sisters bedroom door). I decided that I must not be in front of the fridge after all so I turned and tried my luck elsewhere. I started feeling around and thought I'd found the couch. When I pushed down on it it was soft and springy. This was actually my sisters bed. Luckily she didn't wake up, otherwise there might have been some screaming going on. Still believing myself to be next to the couch downstairs I turned towards the direction of the stairway and immediately smacked into that door again. This made me realize that I definitely was not standing next to the couch downstairs. I turned a little bit more and ran into a wall. What was this? A closet?

After bonking off of a few more walls and making very little headway I heard a small voice say, "Who's out there?" It was my Grandma. Oh yeah, my Grandparents were staying with us and were sleeping in my parents room. "It's me", I replied. "What are you doing?" she asked. Hmmm, what was I doing? What should I say? "I'm lost," I answered.

When she opened her bedroom door, some light was cast upon the hallway. Suddenly everything snapped into place. I was in the upstairs hallway between my sisters room and the bathroom. This wasn't even close to where I thought I was! I staggered into my bedroom and went back to sleep. I didn't even bother going to the bathroom. I didn't want to risk getting lost again on the way back.

Those were good times!

I still wake up doing strange things but I usually stay in the bed these days. One of my regular things to do now is to wake up thinking I just saw a spider in or around the bed. This usually results in me springing up and sweeping the bed with my hands, shaking the sheets or smacking the bed or walls. I'm usually good for one of those a couple times a year. Jules must enjoy those!

No matter how big or small the episode is, once I come to my senses I always have a good laugh at myself.

It's The Beginning Of Mousing Season!

2007-09-25T09:01:00.001-05:00

Fall has arrived! The leaves have all changed to orange and yellow and most of them have fallen to the ground. The overnight temperatures are hovering around the freezing point and it's now completely dark when I get up in the morning. This is also the time when the mice start to come indoors.

Some people hunt for deer or moose. Others go for duck, quail or geese. Me? I'm a mouser. Every fall when the weather gets cool, I get the itch for a good old fashioned mouse hunt. I haven't been skunked in 4 years.

My weapon of choice is the old style, spring-loaded, classic Victor trap. The neck breaker. It's a tradition that has been passed down in my family. I remember the old man setting up neck breakers out by the wood pile when I was a young buck, and by gum if they were good enough for my old man then they're good enough for me.

He'd set up the trap and then we'd run in and watch from the kitchen window with binoculars. We wouldn't have to wait very long before we saw that twitchy little nose poke around the corner. Then it would inch a little closer and take a sniff. Then a little bit closer. And a little bit closer. Oh the anticipation! Finally the lure of the peanut butter would overpower the mouses suspicions and it would dive in. SNAP! "Yes!" From that instant I was hooked on the hunt.

Many years passed before I had a chance to engage in this feral pastime.

When I lived in BC, I didn't come across any mice. I did however encounter some bigger game. Rats! It was basically the same hunt on a larger scale. Bigger critter. Bigger neck breakers. Although I had a lot of success in rat hunting, the rats were a little too big and disgusting for me to get really excited about it. I was more of a chore than a sport.

Then we moved back to Manitoba.

The second fall we were here, we noticed that our perimeter had been breeched by a whole family of meeses! The babies were the tiniest mice I had ever seen. I was caught completely unprepared. I didn't have a single trap in the house. That didn't stop me though! I managed to capture one of the babies in a baseball hat. I practice the catch and release method when it comes to baby mice and so this mouse was simply banished to the outdoors.

The next day I picked up a 2-pack of neck breakers at the grocery store. I loaded the traps with a dab of peanut butter (just like my old man) and set them up in high traffic areas just before going to bed. I had just settled into bed when I heard, "SNAP".

This same story played out again and again over the next few nights. I believe I bagged myself 3 adult mice that fall.

As time went by I discovered that the mice were originating in the basement. Last fall was the first year that the hunt was moved from the main level of the house to the basement. I set up my neck breakers near the furnace and immediately caught myself a mouse.

Then something strange happened. Either my traps were becoming less sensitive or the mice were getting smarter. Every day when I checked my traps they would still be set but the peanut butter was missing. This went on for a good week. Then I tried different baits. Cheese, Jujubes. Anything that would stick a little stronger to the trap. None of these worked. Finally I decided to add a new weapon to my arsenal. The sticky pad. These are a little less humane and not very sporting, but I had to do something to get rid of these super genius mice.

A week passed with no results. Finally, one day I checked and I had a mouse in the neck breaker. Old faithful pulls through again! That was the last mouse for the year. Fresh peanut butter showed not signs of nibbling after a couple of weeks. Regardless the traps remained set just in case there were any stragglers.

One day, last summer, Jules was in the basement and noticed the remains of a mouse stuck to the sticky pad that had been left out all year. That was the first summer mouse that we'd every seen. I don't know how long it had been stuck but it didn't look so good. The whole trap was thrown out.

Last week I set the neck breakers up with some peanut butter in preparation of the coming mouse season. To my surprise, I immediately noticed that the peanut butter was missing. Apparently the mouse hunting season had started and I wasn't notified!

Since the neck breakers were already proving unsuccessful, I moved the second sticky pad over to the area of the neck breakers as a backup. When I picked it up the sticky pad I noticed that there were a few rather large spiders stuck to the goo and as I was looking at them the largest one started moving. Ewww! As horrified as I was I managed not to throw the trap and run up the stairs screaming. Who knows? Maybe a mouse would like to eat a spider.

Now it's just a waiting game.

Mark my words, by next week we'll be feasting on delicious roast mouse.

You Can't Collect Me!

2007-09-19T10:43:00.001-05:00

I've come to realize that there are two main types of people using Facebook.

The first category, of which I belong, consists of those who use the site, as it was intended, as a means to keep in contact with friends. Friends.

The second category is made up of people who are on a mission to add every single person they have ever come in contact with in the course of their lives. These are 'people collectors'.Their so-called 'Friends' are reduced to the level of a stamp in a stamp collection.

Well, I refuse to be a stamp in someones collection. I'm keeping it real. Only real friends will be accepted on my friend list! The CanadaDad stamp is a rarity. I will not have my friendship whored out to the masses.

In my twisted imagination, I see one of these 'people collectors' looking over one of my friends' lists and seeing me there. They say to themselves, "Wow! It's CanadaDad! I met that guy once and I've never seen him on any lists before! This will make a sweet addition to my face collection!" They then proceed to send out the friend request and wait to be accepted.

Well keep waiting you fucker! You can't collect me!

Have I Mentioned That I Hate My Van?

2007-09-12T10:13:00.001-05:00

Our previous vehicle was a 1987 Cavalier. This car was a hunk of shit. Everything rattled on it and I was constantly afraid that it was going to fall apart right in the middle of the road. But do you know what? That car never left us stranded once in four years. Even when the antifreeze was leaking out and it was 30 below. It always started and it always got us home.

In June 2006 we finally got rid of the Cavalier and bought our van. We loved the van. It was great. It didn't rattle when you drove it. It wasn't noisy. It had tons of space and lots of seats. It was like a new vehicle.

This love didn't last long.

The first thing that we noticed was that the odd time you would turn the key and nothing would happen. A couple of more turns and it would start right up. It didn't happen very often but, really, it doesn't have to happen many times to cause concern.

Then one frigid January evening Jules was using the van on a break from work and it died on her. This turned out to be the fuel pump. We then replaced the fuel pump and serpentine belt. This bill got bigger and bigger as the work got done and I think we ended up paying around $750. They also told us that the starter would need to be replaced, but since my ass was already sore from being bent over for the fuel pump we decided that the starter would have to wait.

As the winter turned to spring we noticed a little antifreeze spot developing where we park the van. Eventually this became a big leak and we needed to replace a hose. Not just any hose a very special, 5 inch, hose that was ended up costing us around $400 when all was said and done.

At the beginning of the summer we made the last payment on the van. It was finally all ours!

Not more that a week after that last payment was made, the van died in the drive way. The starter had finally given up the ghost. We got that replaced.

Two days later the van died in the middle of a busy intersection. This turned into a month long problem. We got a new battery and ended up getting the alternator rebuilt before this problem was taken care of.

A couple of weeks later I noticed that the serpentine belt was squealing. Likely a result of my alternator repair. Then a sickening, low rumbling, rattle started coming out of the van. I was thinking the transmission was about to crap out. Luckily it's just the water pump. Yet another repair to be made today, (at least they will be removing the serpentine belt, so they will likely adjust it properly while they're at it).

Is it to much to ask for a little reliability in a van? Do we always have to be worrying about something? In the last year we've spent more on repairs than we payed for the van. For some reason we didn't realize we were going to have to build a whole new van one part at a time, when we bought it.

I Had To Take a Wicked Dump

2007-09-04T11:29:00.001-05:00

The highlighted of last weekend was Dump Day. Although it sounds like it might be about a day I spent on the toilet, in actuality it is the day I went down to the basement and eliminate a bunch of our old crap.

The kids love dump day! They love to help me out, and by help I mean tear into bags and boxes and spread the contents all over the floor while I try and organize everything.

This year I finally threw out our old cabinet style TV. This thing was made in the 70's and it didn't work. This TV was so old that it didn't even have a cable connection on it and, get this, no remote! Instead you had to change the channels with one of those dials that you turn by hand. Not only that but it also had a knob/dial for power and volume. It must have been Barney Rubble's old TV or something. When we moved from BC 6 years ago it didn't work. For some reason we loaded this broken TV onto a U-haul truck and brought it halfway across the country with us. When we moved into our place we put in the corner of our basement. There it sat untouched until last weekend.

Dump day also saw the removal of 4 computers. They were all crap boxes. One was a 386. The others were around the Pentium 100 - 120 range. I held onto these because you just never know when you are going to need an obsolete computer. I also threw out an old Lexmark ink jet printer and a broken power supply.

Next came a single box spring that we've had in the basement for at least 2 years and a toddler bed. This toddler bed had been used by all three kids. It had lost the railing on one side and several of the bars that support the mattress were bent. Yes, our kids sleep hard! The crib mattress was no good without the toddler bed so this was thrown out as well.

These items would have been sufficient for a good dump trip on their own. They were all large items, with absolutely no use for us. Not to mention they were taking up valuable basement real estate.

In order to fill up the van I also threw out some of the miscellaneous crapola that was scattered here and there. The most useless bookshelf ever made was thrown out. As were my old computer text books about late 90'x hardware, Windows 98 and MS Office 97. Most of the remainder was made up of old toys and papers and boxes that were just plain garbage.

I then clean up the mess that was under the basement stairs. This area was kind of walled in with a stereo stand and speakers. It had remained virtually untouched since we moved in. Finally everything that was going to the dump was piled up in the center of the floor.

I hauled it up our treacherous basement stairs and out into the van-truck. Then #2 and #3 and I headed off to the dump to dump it. What a deal! $3 to rid ourselves of a van load of garbage. A good days work.

However, where this chore ends another begins. Now the basement will need to be reorganized and swept and cleaned. Also I will need to get some light going on down there, of our 8 fluorescent light bulbs only 2 are working. Another job for another weekend.

I Hate Going Back to School

2007-08-29T14:24:00.001-05:00

This is generally a time of year that parents look forward to. After a long summer of having the kids running around messing up the house, staying up late and telling you how bored they are it's great to be able to send them off to school. But it isn't all sunshine and lollipops. There are some serious drawbacks to the start of the school year.

One thing I really hate about back to school is making school lunches. It's not a big chore. Make a couple of sandwiches (No Peanut Butter), throw in a juice box and a couple of nut-free snacks and it's done. Easy enough, yet I still hate it. It's just one more thing that I have to do every weeknight for the next 10 months.

Also, with the start of school comes the beginning of the charity drives. They are constantly asking for cash, all in the name of fund raising. Books sales, food drives, water bottle sales, t-shirt sales. It never ends. They like to use peer pressure as much as possible. They like to work it so the kids feel like they HAVE to buy/donate/give if they want to fit in. The kids come home saying that if they don't take something to school they will be the only ones in their whole class who isn't buying/donating/giving. Fuck you school! I'd much rather just give them $40 at the start of the year and have them leave us alone. Somehow they always manage to have their hand out at the worst possible times.

Next on my shit list is all the school sponsored bullshit that goes on.

First they will have an open house. Next they have some other event that seems suspiciously like another open house, only it goes by a different name. I don't remember what they call it but the parents are supposed to come and see the kids classrooms and look around at the school. Sounds like an open house to me! Then they have family movie night, family math night, family reading night, celebration of learning, a barn dance and a scrapbook weekend. Crap, crap and more crap. Holy shit! I thought school was for kids! I already spend enough time in my day doing shit I'd rather not be doing. It's called a job! The last thing I want to do when I get home is. Walk down to the school with 3 kids and take part in some lousy school function. BAH!

And it isn't necessarily the events themselves that I hate. These things wouldn't be half as bad if it weren't for all the parents. The less time I have to spend around parents, the better. I can't stand being around parents. If it weren't for the parents I probably wouldn't dread this stuff so much.

The most irritating type of parents are the social butterflies. These people are so excited about this crap that I can only assume that it is the only time they get to leave their houses. I think these events are like THE big social event for them. Get away from me you losers! This is what my Mom was when I was in school and what my sister is like now. They have to stop and talk to everybody they see. They seem to know everything about everyone and love to share what they know with anyone who will listen. Well I'm not listening. I don't have time for that drivel.

There is another group of parents that are an even more extreme type of social butterfly. They are the parent council. I'm pretty sure these parents have some kind of mental disorder. Either they were socially inept in school and are trying to make up for it by reliving it by piggy-backing on their kids school experience or they peaked in grade six and are desperately trying to reliving those glorious school days. They are the biggest collection of uber-keeners you will ever see. They put out a monthly newsletter discussing how wonderful they are and how terrible the rest of the parents are because nobody will take the luxurious position on the fund raising committee. I love these newsletter because I can always find a ton of spelling and grammatical errors (once they even had the month and year wrong at the top). What a fine example they set for the kids. I have no use for talking to these parents either, as all they want to talk about is themselves.

Then there are the old parents. These are the ones that are old enough to be my parents. Talking to them feels about as comfortable as getting stuck talking to one of your friends parents when you were a teenager. One of the parents that always likes to talk to us is one of these. In this case the guys daughter is married to a guy I used to hang out with all the time and his wife is friends with my mom. That's not cool.

The rest of the parents are like me. The silent majority. They are going through the motions, avoiding eye contact and waiting for the first opportunity to get out of there. These are the cool parents. These people get it. I like these parents.

What is with these schools? Can't you just send your kid to school anymore? Why should I have to deal with all this crap? After all I already went to school.

I'm An Alternator Hater!

2007-08-20T13:34:00.001-05:00

Last month the van died right before we went camping. I thought the problem was caused by corroded leads to the battery but I was wrong. That would have been far too easy.

The day after the van died I bought a new battery because ours was 7 years old and it couldn't hurt to replace it, just in case. I noticed that the voltage indicator in the van was still sometimes below the 14V we should be seeing if the alternator is working correctly but I also found that if I revved the engine nice and high the alternator would kick in and we would be fine.

So we managed to get to and from camping without any problems but the day after we got back I went golfing with a friend and the voltage indicator dropped right down to nothing while we were driving to the golf course. We pulled into a parking space and I turned off the van, almost positive that it wasn't going to start again. Not wanting to ruin a round of golf I didn't even try it. It could wait until we were finished.

We played our round and then loaded up the van with our clubs and hopped inside. Now for the moment of truth. The van started up and the voltage showed somewhere in the 11-12V range. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Not great but good enough.

The next day the whole family went grocery shopping. We loaded the van up with our food and headed next door so Jules could get some candy at the Dollarama. While we were waiting in the van I watched in horror as the voltage indicator dropped like a rock. The van died. Turn the key and nothing happens. Luckily a guy pulled up right in front of us and gave us a boost. The van started up and as soon as we removed the jumper cables the van died again. This was a familiar situation.

Eventually the van started up and we were on a mad dash to get home. We made a good attempt but it was to no avail. On the way the van died and wouldn't start again. Great! We were on the side of a busy road with nothing around, all three kids in the van as well as a shit load of groceries and no cell phone. It took a good 20 minutes before someone stopped and let us user their cell.

I called a cab to come pick us and our groceries up and drop us all at home. Once at home I called CAA to get a free tow.

That night I checked the ground of the new starter on the advice of the cab driver. It seemed OK. I charged up the battery and started the van up. The voltage wasn't where it should have been. Just for kicks I tried tapping the alternator with a wrench. When I did the motor revved down slightly. I checked the voltage indicator and, lo and behold, it was now showing 14V.

So it is the Alternator!

On the positive side, we were now safe from unexpected van death. As long as we tapped the alternator when we started the van it would run just fine until it needed to be started again. With this system we could at least make sure the battery stayed charged until we could get the alternator fixed.

Jules started calling around to find out how much this repair was going to cost us. She was consistently quoted a cost of $400-$500. HOLY SHIT!

The whole deal with tapping the alternator to make it work made me think that it would just need brushes and bearings but none of the shops were interested in doing that. They wanted to sell us a new or rebuilt alternator for around $300.

Eventually Jules tracked down a shop that was only 3 blocks away from our house that would do a rebuild for us. The only problem was I had to take the alternator out and put it back in.

I hate doing car work because a lot of the time I end up bleeding, not to mention something else always ends up getting broken. In the end the potential saving made it worth a potential blood letting.

Deciding on when to get the work done took some serious planning because we had to get the work done on a weekday when Jules didn't have to go to work. This turned out to be last Friday.
Just to make sure the plan was going to come off without a hitch, Jules checked to see how long the repair would be. The lady at he shop assured her that if the alternator was brought in before 9am, it would be ready to pick up before the end of the day.

Alright! So I had to take it out on Thursday night after work. Take it to the shop Friday morning and put it back in Friday night. Then Jules would be good to take the van to work Saturday morning at 11am. No problem.

As soon as I got home from work Thursday I changed my clothes and head out to get this done, saying, "I'd better start as soon as possible. Who knows what problems might come up?"

I must be a prophet!

I thought the toughest part was going to be removing the serpentine belt. This turned out to be the easiest part of the job. The first unknown problem was the fact that I not only had to remove the alternator but I also had remove all sorts of 'stuff' from around the alternator.

Once I had the alternator removed from the mounts I then had to disconnect the wires. This step should have been easy. Easy for a person who has a metric socket set, that is. Unfortunately, I'm not one of those people. I tried everything I could think of but there was just no way around using that stupid metric socket set.

I took a quick bike ride to work in search of some sockets, or at the very least a pair of needle-nose pliers but had no luck. I then called my sister. Her husband had metric sockets! I hopped back on my bike and headed over.

Once I had the right tools the wiring came off quite easily.

Now I just had to lift the alternator out. Which brings me to yet another problem. There was not enough space to pull the alternator out of the place where it lives. I had to remove the power steering reservoir, a mount that held some 'things' to the side of the engine compartment and some other unidentified rectangular object that was mounted to the firewall (as you can see my automotive knowledge is quite extensive).

Anyway, once I had everything in the entire area removed I was finally able to squeeze that bastard out. Just before the sun went down I finally had the alternator sitting on the kitchen counter. Only 3.5 hours! I closed the hood, hoping that I would remember how it all fit back together again.

The next morning I dropped it off to be repaired. The guy says, "I'll try to have something for you by Monday."

???

Right away I predicted that Jules would not be happy about this and I was correct, she was not. See I really am a prophet. She called and bitched at the guy and the end result was that it was going to be ready by 9:30am on Saturday.

Saturday morning at 9:30 I hopped on my bike and went to pick up the alternator, fully expecting to have something else go wrong. But nothing did. It was ready and the bill came to $94. That beats $500 any day!

I got it home and went straight to work. I wouldn't exactly say that everything went smoothly but it went a hell of a lot better that it did on the extraction. At 10:50 I finally reconnected the battery and jumped in to give it a try.

"Please start. Please start. Please start."

I turned the key and it started. The voltage jumped up higher than it had been in weeks and for the first time since the middle of July the Check Engine light wasn't on.

It's been a couple of days now and everything is still A-OK.

YAY ME!

Back To Square One

2007-08-13T16:52:00.001-05:00

About 16 months ago I decided that I needed to get into shape. I wasn't too far gone but I was heavier than I should have been (around 175 lbs.).

So I signed up for the free 12 week weight loss program that I found at about.com. It was a great tool and I attribute all of my success to the help I got from that program. It gave me lots of information about how to adjust my diet and how to set up a workout routine.

The first step was to pay attention to my diet. For years I had never eaten breakfast and it turned out that that was bad, so I made sure to start eating breakfast every day. I also started to monitor what I ate by keeping an food journal and I got rid of the junk food in my diet. I was a pop and chips addict.

For my exercise program I was alternating between a night of cardio (usually circuit training) and a night of strength training using dumbbells. These workouts didn't take too long, only 30-45 minutes. I did my workouts on nights when Jules was working so I could do it without any spectators. I hate having someone around when I'm doing my cardio routine! I'd rather huff and puff and grunt and groan in privacy. This is why I'll never join a gym. This gave me a good window from 9:00 to 11:30 to exercise in peace. Plenty of time!

After about a year I had lost most of my gut and I'd reached a healthy weight of 150 lbs. I actually has some muscle tone! I felt great and I was really happy with myself. I couldn't believe that I had stuck with the program for over a year.

Then Jules switched jobs. This was the beginning of the end for my fitness regimen.

Her new job ended at 9:30 and she was working fewer week nights. This meant I would have very little private time for jumping around the house like a lunatic.

First my cardio workouts suffered. I would only have 1 or 2 nights where Jules was working and most times she would be home before I even got started. For a while I would still manage to get in 1 workout a week, most weeks, but eventually I stopped doing my cardio workouts entirely.

My strength training lasted a little bit longer. Since I could do that workout in my bedroom I was able to have privacy whenever I wanted it. But once my whole routine got messed up, these workouts stopped as well.

It's been a few months now and I am back back where I started at 175lbs and very disappointed in myself.

I have to get back on that horse!

I'd really like to get an exercise bike. It's something I could do while watching TV and I wouldn't feel like a spaz doing it with someone else in the room. Until then I really need to get myself going. I need something that will burn a ton of calories in a small amount of time. I'll have to work out something. Anything!

I'm hoping that if I put my plight on to this blog that I will have someone to answer to if I don't stick with it. After all I wouldn't want to disappoint all of my imaginary readers.

Happy Birthday #3!!

2007-08-09T11:38:00.001-05:00

Today is #3's birthday! She is turning 5 years old!

It's hard to believe that our youngest is already 5. It seems like it was just yesterday when she got out of diapers and at the same time if feels like it's been ages.

I'm amazed at how fast time flies. It's already hard to remember what it was like to have a baby around the house. The play pen, the high chair, the Exer-saucer are all distant memories. Pablum and Gerber's baby food, Pampers and Baby Wipes are all things of the past. All we have left are the photos.

When I look at the baby pictures of the older kids, I realize that a lot of the memories are starting to get a little fuzzy. I don't think I could even create a mental picture of what they looked like when they were toddlers and babies if it weren't for the photos. It's only been 9 years! Will todays memories be just as fuzzy in another 9 years? How much fuzzier will the baby memories be in another 9 years!? (Note to self: Backup our most recent photos)

Next month #3 will be starting Kindergarten so, in a way, this birthday marks the end of the pre-school portion of our child rearing experience. It is the end of an era for our family. Sometimes it seems like we are so busy living in today that these momentous occasions slip by unnoticed. Since 1998 we have always had at least one kid at home at all times. Although, at the present we can't imagine being in a house empty of kids, I'm sure there will soon come a time when we can't recall what that was even like to have someone constantly under foot.

As a parent I'm really excited to see the kids getting older and turning into real people but at the same time I kind of wish I could hold on to the little babies and toddlers that they used to be. I especially will miss the clumsy period when they were still just learning to walk. When a gentle breeze was enough to knock them down onto their diaper-padded butt. I will also miss trying to decode what they were trying to say when they were still learning how to speak. In reality I will miss it all.

So many times we would talk about how great it was going to be when the kids were out of diapers or able to walk or going to school. We spend so much time looking forward to what's on the horizon that we seldom take the time to appreciate the present. I guess it's true that, you don't know what you've got until it's gone. Looking back I realize how lucky I was to have gone through those pre-school experiences with my kids (poopy diapers and all). I'm glad I had the opportunity to enjoy it while I had the chance.

Just Because You Are On My Facebook Doesn't Mean You're My Friend

2007-08-03T10:29:00.001-05:00

Recently I've had a bit of a problem with Facebook.

Everybody you add is given the title of "Friend". I have about 50 people on my list and I wouldn't consider the majority of them as friends. Facebook ought to have other categories besides "Friends". Like "Old Friend" or "Person I Know".

There are two main groups of non-friends that are on my Friend List.

First there are the "Former Friends". These are the people that I used to be friends with. For me this is pretty much everybody I knew when I lived in BC or the people who I went to school with. They were my friends at one time but they aren't REALLY my friends now. I mean I don't send them emails or call them on the phone or write them letters and I really have no desire to. These are people that I will likely never see again and I'm not really bothered by that fact. Having them connected to me on Facebook makes them my Friend? I don't think so.

The other category is "Acquaintances". These are the people that I knew or know, but have never considered as my friends. These are friends of friends and people from work who I've just known. These people could be removed from my list at any given time with little or no impact on myself or them.

I see lots of Friend-Whores on Facebook who have over 500 friends. I think we are devaluing the term "friend". I've decided that my friendship is not something that should be given away haphazardly. I like to keep the value of my friendship high by limiting the quantity that is available to the public. So in order to preserve the integrity of my friendship stock I feel the need to prune my "Friend List". This might hurt some feelings but hey, it's not like they are my friends.

Baby Haters

2007-07-31T16:46:00.002-05:00

I was recently reading a blog about baby haters. After reading the comments, I don't think the problem is at all about people hating babies. I think 90% of the time it's more a case of people who hate ignorant parents. The other 10% are trolls just trying to piss people off.

I am a father of 3 young girls myself, and it seems that I would be classified as a baby hater by a number of these upset parents. But you know what? I like kids just fine.

What I don't have any tolerance for is ignorant parents.

Some parents are so self-absorbed that they believe that having children gives them some kind of entitlement. They think that having kids makes them "special". They no longer need to be considerate of anybody else but you'd better be considerate of them otherwise you will be labeled a "baby hater". I don't care who you are, nobody wants to listen to a baby in a movie theater, nobody wants to eat dinner next to kids who act like animals and nobody wants to smell your baby's shit.

There is nothing more annoying than sitting next to a table of kids that are running around like animals at a restaurant while their parents sit and eat their meal and carry on their conversations as if nothing is happening at all. If you are looking for a playground/restaurant where you don't have to watch your kids then take them to McDonald's. Don't ruin dinner for an entire room full of diners and then have the nerve to say they must hate kids when they give you the greasy eye. I have no problem at all with kids who are well behaved in a restaurant. Hell, all I ask is that the parents show some kind of effort to keep their kids under control. Kids are kids and sometimes they act up but at least the parent can deal with the situation instead of ignoring it and expecting everyone else to do the same.

Another thing I can't stand are the parents who block an entire supermarket aisle with their SUV-sized strollers and then get all bent out of shape when you bump their stroller as you try to squeeze by. I hate these people just as much as I hate people who block off an aisle with 2 shopping carts while they chat with their friends. It has nothing to do with the children. I hate all aisle blockers equally.

I bet there are a lot of dog lovers out there who wouldn't want to have a dog constantly barking outside their window and shitting on their yard. This doesn't make them any less of a dog lover does it? Again the problem lies with the lack of consideration portrayed by the person who is supposed to be responsible.

One last thing.

I really hate when I'm standing next to a mother and her baby and she starts playing some kind of cutesy baby game and tries to involve me. News Flash! I know you think you have the cutest, smartest, funniest, whatever baby in the world, but you don't. The truth is the only one that thinks this is you and maybe your family and friends. To the rest of the world you are just a plain lady with a plain baby. Besides I've seen the cutest, smartest, funniest babies in the world already. Mine.

Biology Lessons Around the Campfire

2007-07-30T15:24:00.002-05:00

Camping is fun. Taking a crap when camping is not.

Although the bathrooms at the campground do come with flush-toilets they are by no means luxury units. First of all, they are public washrooms and that alone is a big issue for me and my bowels. Secondly, they come with that giant, two-foot radius, one-ply toilet paper roll that feels like you are wiping with a sheet of loose leaf. Thirdly they still have that authentic camping-style outhouse smell (I don't know how they do it). Lastly they are crawling with bugs. Moths, mosquitoes, spiders, flies. You name it they've got it.

Personally I prefer to spend as little time in there as possible. Jules has a similar inclination towards the facilities.

So, as we were wrapping up our camping trip last week, the family was sitting around bragging to each other about how few times we had to go #2 over the four days while we were there.

"I haven't gone once since we've been here!" said Jules.

I replied with a touch of shame, "I did yesterday...but that's it!"

"Hey #1! How many times have you done the deed since we've been here?"

"Two times. The other day and last night."

"You went last night?"

"Yeah. I had to go pee and I held it too long and it turned into poo."

So that's how it works!

Does It Ever End?!

2007-07-20T20:36:00.001-05:00

It's been a shitty week. If you haven't heard about it, let me fill you in.

We have our yearly camping trip coming up next week (my only week off of the year) and I am sure that there is some greater power out there that doesn't want us to go.

Last week our lawn mower died and shortly after that the starter in our van crapped out and needed to be replaced. That's a lot of expense all of a sudden at a horrible time.

We got the van back 2 days and $305 ago. Not the best time to blow three hundred bucks but at least we wouldn't have to worry about the van not starting anymore.

Today I was enjoying my last day of work before my time off. After the last week I could use a little R & R. I had about an hour to go, when my office phone rang. It was Jules. She said, "You need to get a car and some jumper cable and come and get us."

"WHAT!! Why?"

The van stalled in the middle of a busy intersection. Some police people pushed her through the intersection to safety and she was now sitting at the side of the road with a bunch of stuff from the store and #2 and #3 were along for the ride as well.

This was not the best time for me. I was about to meet with the comptroller to decide who we were going to hire as we had just completed our final interviews. This is a task that needed to be done before I started my holidays, however since I couldn't very well leave them stranded at the side of the road, I located some jumper cables and jumped in the Jeep and headed out.

I jump started the van and just as I disconnected the cables the van died again and wouldn't start. Hmmm. I did it again and as soon as the van idled it died again. The voltage indicator seemed to indicate no voltage. I had no time to fool around right then and there. I had to get back to work so I loaded the bags and the family into the Jeep and dropped them back home. Jules had to work at 5:30 so that was going to be an issue.

Those symptoms would seem to point to an alternator problem. My suspicion, however, was that something occurred when they replaced the starter. The only thing that they do other than put the starter in is disconnect the battery. So maybe it has something to do with the battery connections. They had recommended that we have the terminals serviced a while back so that is what I was hoping for.

One of the guys at the office who I'll call Captain Corporate, offered to help me get the van home. What a great guy! So I left my bike at the office and called Jules to tell her that this was the plan. She'd already arranged to have someone pick her up and give her a lift to work at 5:15 but she said she would get a hold of the person.

Captain Corporate and I headed to the van. We got about 2 blocks away when I realized I didn't have the keys. "MOTHER F$CKER!!"

At this point it was 5:10. There was no way we would have time to go to my house pick up the keys and then go back and get the van before 5:30. So I got Captain Corporate to just drop me off at my house.

I walked in the door and was greeted by Jules. I said I couldn't do it because I didn't have the keys and wouldn't have time to get it done before 5:30. She informed me that she called work and said that she was going to be late and that she would take a taxi. Time wasn't a problem. Meanwhile Captain Corporate was long gone.

"Call CAA. It shouldn't take too long," said Jules.

"But I have to be there when they take it," I replied.

She said,"You can ride your bike."

"No. No," says I, "I left my bike at he office so I could get the van."

I eventually called my hero, Captain Corporate, and he agreed to come back and give it another go.

The plan was to jump the van and then keep the RPM's up while driving down the back roads to my house. He would follow me in case I needed another boost. That worked quite well. Almost made it all the way. We had to jump it again once on the way.

When I pulled into the driveway I noticed that the battery was showing 12V again. It's intermittent. More evidence to support my 'iffy' connection theory. Captain Corporate went on his way and Jules caught her cab to work.

I made supper for myself and the kids and then went to work on those battery terminals. I made the connectors and posts nice and shiny with some sandpaper and I completely cut off the negative connectors and stripped the wires for a nice clean connection.

Everything starts fine for now. I found out via the internet that the voltage reading across the battery should jump up to 13.5V to 14V if the alternator is working. I measure it and found that the battery read 12.5V when the van wasn't started and 14V when it was running. This leads me to believe that the alternator is OK. I hope.

Reasonably satisfied for now I went to put my tools away in the basement. As I turned to go back up the stairs I noticed that the sewer had backed up. Sigh...

It's Random Expense Time!!

2007-07-17T12:13:00.001-05:00

Next week is our summer camping trip. What better time for all of our shit to start breaking down?

It all started on Friday when I got home from work. I thought I would mow the lawn so I could have that chore out of the way. I fired it up and kind of noticed that it was quite a bit louder than normal and it was shaking like crazy. Does that bother me? No way!

Off I went mowing the lawn. It didn't take long before I noticed that transmission was no longer working and I had to (gasp) push the mower. It stalled on me several times and after I was about a quarter of the way through I'd had enough and decided to investigate.

It turned out that the metal to which 2 of the 3 bolts that hold the engine to the deck had broke off. I could easily move the motor up and down and around on the deck with my hands. It wasn't rusty or anything but the metal broke clean of in a chuck about one inch in diameter. I wonder if somebody's kids were jumping or standing on it?

That was the end of mowing for the day. I wasn't about to trust that last bolt to keep the engine from dropping off, which would surely result in the blade breaking off and flying into my ankle at a high rate of speed.

It looks like the mower is FUBAR. I could likely buy a new harness, but did I really want to throw any more money at that piece of shit? That mower has been a pig ever since day one. Last year it needed a $120 repair job. The thing only cost $160 when I got it, and it was used. I could buy the same mower new for about $200 today.

This seemed like the perfect opportunity to go green and get one of those manual push mowers with no motor whatsoever. They cost about $100 and have no gas, no motor and no emissions.

So now we are stuck with a partly cut lawn until we buy a new mower. Great! Just what we needed. Something like this to become a priority expense right before our holiday.

Not to worry! It didn't stay a priority for too long.

That same night, when I was going to the grocery store, I noticed that the "Check Engine" light was on in the van. The first thing I did was check the oil. It was extremely low so I added 4 liters. Once I finished adding the oil I checked the dipstick again. I pulled it out and wiped it off and took a look at the level indicator. As soon as I did this I thought to myself, "I wonder why the dipstick has a max indicator on it?" I put it back in and pulled it out only to find that the oil level was several inches above the max oil line. Yep, that sounds like a typical CanadaDad automotive job.

I then checked the internet and found out that too much oil is a bad thing. So I drained the oil and re-added the proper amount. Next I checked the brake fluid. It was good. Then it was the coolant. It was low so I added some more. After that I checked the power steering fluid. It was also very low, so I topped it up. Then I checked the transmission fluid. Again low, but I would have to buy some.

After all of these things the "Check Engine" light was still on. GO OFF YOU STUPID LIGHT!!

Monday I was sitting at work thinking about that bastard of a light, wondering what it could mean. Then I started thinking about our troubled starter. The one that has been on the way out since the winter. The one that starts the car on 8 out of 10 tries. What if the car broke down when we were camping? What would we do then? Hmm. Maybe we should get that fixed.

When I got home from work Jules headed off to her job and sure as shit the starter had crapped out completely. Oh well, better it happens in our driveway than at a campsite with a ton of camping gear. I'd heard that you can get your starter going by tapping it with a hammer. Might as well give that a try.

Hmmmm. Starter, starter where would the starter be? It sounded like it was coming from everywhere. I started tapping everything, to no avail. Jules took a cab to work and I went to the library with the kids.

While I was there I looked up a couple of things: 1. What the starter looks like. 2. Where to find it.

I got home and found the starter right where it was supposed to be. When Jules got home we tried the old crank and tap method (on the starter you deviant!) but it still wouldn't go.

So now our number one priority is replacing that stupid starter. I guess that's why you are supposed to get things fixed as soon as you notice a problem. That way you can do it when you decide to and not when the van decides, which usually turns out to be the worst possible time.

I also think this has something to do with me saying out loud, "We should go on a trip to Minot for August long weekend." I swear, as soon as I uttered these words someone switched on the cash vacuum. I could literally feel the change getting sucked out of my pockets.

Oh yeah, while I'm on the subject.

Hey You! Yeah you! The vacuum cleaner! I know what you're planning. Don't you even think about breaking down. I'll toss you right in the garbage bin. Don't test me!

Breaking News! Nutritious Snacks!

2007-07-13T14:43:00.001-05:00

Jules just called me at work to say that she was going to be on the evening news.

Her and #2 and #3 were at the water park when a reporter for the local news came by doing a story on child nutrition. They talked to Jules about the importance of nutritious snacks for kids and then wanted to see what she had brought for the kids and film some footage of these snacks. She fed them some BS about how providing nutritious snacks for the kids is very important to her and gave some examples like carrot sticks and celery sticks and such. She even did it with a straight face.

As I'm listening to this I'm getting a feeling of dread. Oh No! What kind of snacks did they find? I'm thinking candy, chips, cookies, you know good stuff. Luckily, today they were actually having nutritious snacks. Bottles of water,strawberries and crackers. Whew! That's a relief. It's a good thing they didn't do that last weekend when the snacks were a bag of Zesty Cheese Crunchies, a bag of ketchup chips, a bag of rippled chips and a few Double Lollies.

Now, at least, the news watching public of Brandon will have the illusion that we are very conscientious when it comes to nutrition. We'll have to record that news segment so we can prove to our friends and family just how much nutrition means to us.

Fools!! If they only knew. Mwah ha ha ha!

Small Things Amuse Small Minds

2007-07-11T13:46:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I brought a pencil sharpener home from work. I was one of those mounting ones like they have in every school classroom in the world.

Judging by the kids amazement, you would have thought I invented the thing. I mounted it to the side of a book shelf and let the kids go to it. I can understand the awe of #3 because, to my knowledge, she has never seen one. But the other two were a little too excited about the fact that we had this amazing tool in our very own home. Had I known it was going to go over so well I would have saved it up for Christmas.

Needless to say there was a lot of pencil sharpening going on last night. #1 was even asking permission to sharpen pencils. I imagine by the end of the week every pencil in the house will be sharpened down to a little nub.

They actually thought that Jules would be equally impressed by this new pencil technology. When she got home from work all three of the kids had to run downstairs to show her the wonder of the new sharpening device. #1 even did a demonstration.

"Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Look at this . Mom. Look at this. See this pencil? See how it's not sharp? Look Mom. Look. See? It's not sharp." While the other two kids watch with bated breath, she then puts the pencil in the sharpener, gives it a couple of cranks and, TAH DAH, she pulls out the freshly shaved tip. "See? Now it's sharp."

WOW! A pencil sharpener that sharpens pencils! Everybody make some room! That trick was so mind blowing that I think Mom might have to sit down before she faints!

That's the reaction I'm sure they were all anticipating. Instead they got, "I know how a pencil sharpener works."

Apparently Mom had already seen that trick.