Thursday, July 13, 2006

Once Upon a Time...The Flying Body Puke!

I used to live with this guy, we'll call him Dennis the Menace, who loved to drink hard liquor. This isn't really that rare or unusual but what made him special was that his body hated hard liquor.

Usually when the pub that we worked at closed for the night the staff would sit around and have a few off-shifters. Sometimes we'd have a round of shots. As the shots were passed out, if you paid close attention, you would see Dennis nonchalently working his way over to the garbage can behind the bar. No big deal. Then would come the moment when we'd all lift our shot glasses, say "CHEERS", and throw the shot down the hatch. Dennis, like the rest of us, tossed back his shots effortlessly just like an old pro. This was generally the point when everyone turned their eyes towards Dennis to watch as his body tossed the shot just as effortlessly into the garbage can that he was already holding under his chin. I have to admit he did it well. If you weren't aware that this was a regular occurance you likely wouldn't even notice it happen. He was that smooth.

This blog is about a time when he wasn't very smooth at all. It was one night at our house. 'Our' being Dennis the Menace, BroBiz and myself. We had a bunch of friends over for one of our nightly drink ups. We also had a bottle of Jose Cuervo. For some reason Dennis didn't arrive until later so when he showed up he had to play a little catch up. At that exact moment Jules was in the process of free pouring some tequila down our friend Yukon Gords throat. What better way to get really loaded, really fast? Dennis announces that he is up next and kneels on the floor. Jules began to pour. I don't know how much tequila he actually swallowed, but all of a sudden a look of pure panic came across his face. His eyes flew wide open, his mouth slammed shut and his cheeks puffed out. HE'S GONNA HURLLLL!!! He was only about 10 feet from the kitchen sink and that is where he was heading. In a hurry! Maybe too much of a hurry. He bolted to the kitchen in his sock feet at such a speed that when he tried to make the turn at the sink he lost in on the linolium. Both feet flew up into the air. At one point his body was parallel with the floor, his body positioned as if he was lying on his side. His eyes were fixed on the sink which was so close yet oh so far. This was the exact moment when the tequila was forcibly ejected from his body by his stomach. It kind of looked graceful. Like a really nice swan dive or some fancy ballet move. Everything seemed in slow motion. His body floating slowly through the kitchen air with a nice little fountain of puke protruding from his open mouth. It was poetry. I wish I had a picture of that moment.

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