Thursday, May 08, 2008

How Not To Treat A Pulled Groin Muscle

Last night was the night of my weekly slow-pitch game with my work team.

It was the top of the first inning and I was the second batter. The first pitch came arcing towards me and I gave it a mighty wallop. I took off towards first base and as I did so my left foot lost it's traction and shot straight out behind me, giving me a severely pulled groin. I still managed to run to first base but it was clear that I had done some significant damage to myself. Not bad considering we were about 2 minutes into the game.

I got around the bases and scored at home but I felt extreme pain whenever I ran. After my second inning of play I had to take myself out so as not to cripple myself for the rest of the week. I never take myself out of a game, that's how bad it was.

By the time I got home the pain was settling in quite nicely. I had to use my hands to get my left foot up on my knee so I could take off my shoes and going down a flight of stairs was an extremely uncomfortable experience.

I decided that it would probably be a good idea to apply some RUB A535 Ultra Heat to my injured groin muscle. This was a fatal mistake.

I'm pretty positive that this would have been of great benefit to my groin, however I failed to consider how my neighboring body parts were going to react to the heat. It turns out they didn't care for the A535 one bit.

I rubbed it on my groin and was careful not to get any on any of my more sensitive areas. I got myself dressed again and was mentally congratulating myself on a job well done when I noticed the heat creeping into the vicinity of my "package".

"What's this??" I thought.

Before I knew it my entire crotch was on fire! It felt like my boxers had turned into lava!

I rushed to the bathroom and got a facecloth and soaked it in cold water. There is no way I could have done this fast enough. In my mind I was screaming, "HURRY UP! HURRY UP! WHY IS THIS WATER COMING OUT SO SLOW!? HURRY! HURRY! HURRY!"

Once I had finally soaked the cloth I applied it to my 'special area' expecting some relief that didn't come, at least not fast enough.

Enough of this nonsense! I needed to put a stop to this right now!

So I jumped into the shower and applied a steady stream of cool water to my inflamed region. "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Instant relief. I could have swore there was a cloud of steam and a hissing sound when the water first hit me. Kind of like what happens when you run water over a hot frying pan.

I guess, in a way, I was successful in my initial mission. I wasn't thinking about my pulled groin at all!

As I got out of the shower and was able to think more clearly I started to think about how lucky I was that none of the kids had walked in while I was having my episode. In my urgency I didn't have time to lock the bathroom door or even close it. Anybody could have walked in and seen me hopping around, buck naked, wiping my crotch vigorously with a face cloth. "Oh, Hi kids. What's going on?"

Yes, that would have been awkward.

5 comments:

DeeDee said...

That was hilarious man! Sadly I could soo picture that little incident. Thanks. Got to go look for some brain scrub now to try to make it go away!

In case you didn’t know, I found your blog through DadGoneMad. I've posted a complete list of everyone who left their blog link on his Big Big Stars post in a post of my own called Blog Rolling With My Homies over on my blog, so if you want to see it come on over and sit a spell. I don't bite..…that hard anyway!

If you did know just overlook this since my brain feels like mush from trying to comment on all 217 on the list!!

Heather said...

I've used similar sports creme type products and they are always a mistake, even on the not so sensitive parts.

MadWomanMeg said...

By the time I finished reading that to Hotty Hubby, he was just about in tears on your behalf. I could almost feel the heat radiating off you from here. And there's only a couple of provinces between us.

Thanks for tagging me...I finally did it tonight. Very mean of you. Fellow Canuck and all. I'll get you back someday. Making me think. Geez.

The Complaints Depot said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA. I totally knew that was gonna happened. I would have thought when "Devil or Angel" rubbed it all over her side and chest and came screaming into our room literally on "FIRE", you would never have rubbed that in your groin area. CanadaDad whatever were you thinking? HAHAHA

Kris said...

I remember putting that shit in freshman's jock straps in high school. Torturing freshman never got old.