Tuesday, July 20, 2010

I'm Magellan, I'm So Gellin'!

I've been using hair gel for a couple of years and I have yet to figure out the different levels of "hold" they've come up with to distinguish their products.

The brand I normally buy comes in 5 different varieties: X-Hard Hold, Extra Hold, Mega Hold, Strong Hold and Hard Hold.  Not one of these varieties tells me anything about the quality of the product. To me they all seem suspiciously similar.

Strong vs Hard?? Is one type hard yet weak and the other strong but soft? I've used both and they seem very comparable. I'm pretty sure that Hard and Strong are exactly the same gel, only one is orange and the other is blue.

Then there is this "Mega" business. Can someone tell me what this means? I understand how the words strong and hard might relate to hair gel but what is mega? Is it Mega Strong or Mega Hard? Maybe it's Mega Both! I'd like to think that they mean Mega Awesome or Mega Sexy but what if they really meant Mega Ugly or Mega Stupid? They can't just use a word like that to describe gel! They might as well call it "Mystery Hold"! All I can discern about this product is that it surpasses all other gels in some unknown way. My guess is that it is the same stuff that is found in Strong and Hard, except it's pink (make that Mega Pink)!

Next we have Extra Hold. This is very similar to the conundrum we faced with that whole "Mega Hold" enigma. It has some special property that is a little bit extra from the other gels. We don't know what it is and we probably wouldn't or couldn't understand it even if they filled us in. We should probably just be quiet and buy the product and just believe that we are getting a little "Extra". Extra strong? Extra hard? Extra green? We don't know, we just buy. If it has extra anything we feel like we just got a hell of a deal! Just one thought though...what if we were getting Extra Mega?

I think I just blew my own mind!

Finally there is X-Hard Hold! You know it's good when it has an X in it! This gel must be eXtreme! I can't even tell you what color the gel inside the bottle is because the container is black! You don't even get to see this stuff, it's that eXtreme!! This must be the gel of skydivers and lion tamers and all other such eXtreme activity partakers. If it's good enough for a lion tamer it must be OK for me! Of course I'm making a big assumption about what the X stands for. What if it really stands for "Exacerbated"? The last thing I would want to do is aggravate my, already difficult to manage, hair. Until I find out exactly what that X means I'm staying away from that one!

I'm sure they have spent a lot of money to come up with all of these different varieties of gel to suit every persons needs however it is wasted on the likes of me. I buy based on color. Some days I feel like orange and others I feel like blue, hell I've even felt like pink from time to time.

Some day I'll get one bottle of each and mix them up into a Franken-gel. I'll call it "Mega Strong Extra Hard Hold - X"! My hair will be like a mighty helmet and people will see me walking down the street and say, "There goes Astroboy!"

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