Monday, January 30, 2006

The Office Shit Bandit

At the office where I work we have a shit bandit. Every day shortly after lunch my co-worker and I catch the rank smell of shit mixed with potpourri creeping into our office. It smells like someone wiped their ass with a bouquet of flowers. The reason I say shit "bandit" is because it's been happening for over a month and we still don't know who it is, although we do have some suspects in mind.

We used to have this same issue last year but we all knew damned well who was doing it, because he was always so proud of his filth. That guy quit here in December and we all thought we were going to be living the good life. No more shitty flowers! This was not to be.

It was almost like a passing of the torch, when the old guy left someone else had to take up the responsibility of ensuring that we don't get through a day without soaking in the reek of another persons shit. Or maybe it's more like a demonic possession. Once the original host was gone the shit demons had to find a new victim to do their bidding. Regardless, here I sit smelling a shit.

With our previous office shitter it was only the smell that was an issue. Our present shit bandit not only generates disgusting smells but also tends to leave physical evidence of the shit behind just in case we wanted to see what was causing that horrible smell. I know you're all familiar with the classic shit skid running down the front of the bowl to the water line. Our shit bandit has put a strange twist on the classic skid. Instead of being located at the front of the bowl this person has somehow managed to get the skid running down the back of the bowl, closer to the tank. It truly boggles the mind at how this can be done. I have narrowed it down to two possible scenarios. Either the shit bandit is sitting on the toilet backwards or they are firing the shit out at twice the speed of sound. The other type of physical evidence is even more disturbing. Somehow our shit bandit manages to get shit on the back part of the toilet seat, almost like they were sitting too far back and missed the hole. The only explanation I can think of for this is that the shit bandit is maybe hovering over the toilet?

There are only 7 people in our office and I can eliminate 4 suspects, including myself, which leaves only 3 potential shit bandits. One person is done here this week. If the mystery shits stop we will know that he was the bandit. If not it will be down to two suspects. We need to stop this insanity. If I wanted to smell shit all day I'd be working on a farm.

No comments: