Monday, August 25, 2008


Years from now I hope I'll be able to look back on the last month and laugh, but at the present time I still get down right pissed off when I think about all the bullshit our youngest two kids have been doing this summer.

These two kids have been bad seeds for a long time now but recently they've turned the stupidity up to MAX.

At the beginning of the summer they started hanging out with a kid in "Angel or Devil's" class who lives a couple of blocks away. This was the first time we've ever let "Let's Go Crazy" and "Angel or Devil" go anywhere by themselves. Everything was working just fine for a while...and then the trouble started.

It began with the telephone. The kids were harassing this poor family at all times of the day. They'd call early in the morning and they'd call often. Why? To ask if they could come over. It got to the point where we had to tell them that they weren't allowed to use the phone without permission. They couldn't possibly care less! As soon as we turned our backs they'd be back on the phone again. No matter how many times we repeated this, they ignored it completely. I warned them that if they kept this kind of behavior up they wouldn't be welcome to play at their friends house at all.

The problems only got worse from there. Soon they started just leaving to go to their friends house without telling anyone. One minute they were sitting on the couch and the next they were gone. It was like a prison break! If their friend wasn't home they would roam the neighborhood looking for cat owners to talk to. It got to a point where we had to lock them in the house and lock up their bikes just to keep an eye on them.

One afternoon just after I'd arrived home from work Jules pointed out that there were a bunch of newspapers and flyers in our garbage bin. She thought that might be the reason we'd missed a few papers lately. She also suggested we phone the newspaper or the police to tell them that all of these papers were in the garbage. It's a good thing we didn't phone anyone because I found out later that our two kids had gone outside early in the morning, grabbed the bundle of papers and went around the block delivering them. The papers that we saw in the garbage were the ones that were left over.

Does this shit ever end? I hate to believe that my offspring can be so utterly stupid. All I can ask is WHY? Why would you do any of the stupid shit you do?

Through their routine of scouring the area for cats and cat owners they met a couple of people in the neighborhood. One was a nice lady (the kids called her The Cat Lady) who doesn't seem to mind having them around and actually enjoys doing things with them (this is the one good thing that came out of their mischief). The other was a 7 year old girl who has a cat and a trampoline. Both of these people were immediately added to the list of people to phone whenever nobody was looking.

Two weeks ago I had just gotten home from work when The Cat Lady arrived on our doorstep looking for the kids. She was trying to sort out a problem. It seems that she saw the kids walking a strange cat around on a leash shortly after she'd sent them home from her house. After a lot of questions it was determined that these kids had been somehow involved in a B & E at the 7 year old girls house!!!

Version one of the story, according to the kids, was this: They were walking home, minding their own business and as they were walking past the house in question 4 bigger girls were there and they went into the house via the upstairs window. These girls let the cat out at which point my kids put it on the leash.

At around 9:00 that night a policeman arrived on our doorstep looking for my kids. The story they gave him sounded a little different and a lot worse than the one they'd told us earlier.

They were walking home, minding their own business and as they were walking past the house in question 4 bigger girls went into the house via the upstairs window. They climbed a pole and got onto the roof where they pushed out the screen window and entered the house. Our kids followed them in the same way! While inside the house they played with the computer, hooked the cat onto the leash and phoned home (as we determined later after seeing the number on the call display). In addition to that the other girls were looking up some very inappropriate content online, playing with some musical instruments and eating snacks out of the fridge.

The policeman that came was great. He spoke to the kids and told them the possible consequences of doing something like that. He had a pretty good idea who these other girls were because of previous things they'd been involved in. When he was all finished I told the kids to thank the police officer for letting them off the hook this time. They stood there looking at the floor saying nothing at which point the officer said, "Are you going to say thank you or am I going to have to take you to jail?"

They couldn't say thank you fast enough then!!

So they spent the next week in the house, supposedly learning their lesson. We made them go to the house they'd broken into and explain what happened, apologize and offer their services for any chores that might need to be done. But it couldn't be that easy.

It turns out that these people are very religious (the father is a Baptist minister) and they thought the kids might benefit from a few Bible lessons in addition to some chores.

Although I'm not a fan of the church I have absolutely no problem with the kids being exposed to different beliefs. If they find something that they can believe in, that's great! But if I were a religious person trying to introduce small children to the Bible I don't think I would do it as punishment for misbehavior. What kind of message does that send?

Do something really bad = have to learn about God.


So the first time the kids went over they picked some weeds and then talked about the story of Adam and Eve. Everything went fine and the kids came home with the homework of drawing a picture of something that God made.

The next time they went they did some dishes and acted like complete idiots. At some point "Devil or Angel" mentioned that God was a butthole. This did not go over very well at all.

Anyway they are done with that now.

Last week I got a call from a stranger telling me that he's been getting a lot of phone calls, every day, from our phone number. When he picks up all he hears is giggling on the line. You gotta love it when kids learn their lesson!! We finally had to remove the upstairs phone entirely and mount the downstairs phone on the wall where it is a little harder for short people to reach.

A few days ago a different neighbor came by the house because these two kids were throwing rocks at his window. Haven't we done this already!? Last year they broke the neighbors window by throwing rocks and this spring the police came by because they were throwing rocks at passing cars. They didn't break his window but he wanted us to know that if he sees them doing it again he will be calling the police. That's just what we needed, more good news to throw on the heap.

And finally there was last weekend.

Saturday night Jules and I went to see Dark Knight. We only get to go out by ourselves maybe once a year. Since Jules's Mom is visiting it was the perfect chance for us to get out. Right after we left the house the two younger kids started up. They locked themselves in the bathroom, dumped the laundry out, flipped the hamper upside-down and climbed on it to reach a tube of hair dye from the top shelf. Then "Let's Go Crazy" proceeded to dye "Devil or Angel's" hair pink. After this they continued their idiocy until Nana had to resort to locking them in their room.

These kids can't be trusted for a single second! The only way to make sure they aren't doing something wrong is to keep them in your sight constantly. This means no going to the bathroom, no talking on the phone, no using the computer, no watching TV. NOTHING. If you want to keep these two out of trouble you have to be prepared to spend your entire day following them around constantly.

Oh yeah! That girl from "Devil or Angel's" class, doesn't call anymore. Just as I'd predicted, they have been so much of a nuisance that their family doesn't want anything to do with our kids. "Well done kids!! In just one short summer you've managed to alienated all of the kids in the neighborhood who are in your age range!"

So where is "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong" in all of this?

She's just fine and acting like a normal 10 year old, thanks for asking. She's been hanging out at the pool and chillin' with her friend. No police have been looking for her, no neighbors have been complaining about her and nobody has called trying to put an end to any telephone harassment.


The Complaints Depot said...

Little Buggers!!!!!!!

Heather said...

No wonder you haven't posted in awhile! OMG I'd have to beat them and lock them in their rooms at night.