Thursday, May 10, 2007


I'm what you call a shy shitter. I don't like to take the show on the road, if you catch my drift. I can't understand people who just shit wherever. I don't shit at my friends homes when I visit. I don't shit at restaurants or the mall. When I was in school I didn't shit there either. And I DO NOT shit at work! I've been working at this job for over 4 years and I have not shit here once. I'd sooner shit my pants.

It's one thing to go in a public place (if it's a real emergency). At least then you are only exposing strangers to your horrible reek. But to do it at work is like saying, "Hey everyone. Here is what my shit smells like. Just in case you were interested." I can't handle that. Some things I just don't feel like sharing with my co-workers. In fact it's a source of pride for me that few people know of my hideous smell.

Last week I had a breech in my stink security.

I have a small office. It has a door and a window to a hallway and a window to the outside world. My window to the outside world is non-openable and it has bars on it. Kind of like a prison cell. I'll be in real trouble if a fire breaks out in the hallway outside my door.

I may not shit at work, but a guy has to fart from time to time. So sometimes while I'm at work I discreetly rip one off in the privacy of my office. This is usually the time when someone walks in out of the blue. But so far nobody has really noticed anything. Until last week!

I was sitting in my office as usually doing some work when I was struck with a small fart. I let it go and was immediately hit by the most horrendous smell. Where did that come from?? It was getting everywhere and it wasn't dissipating. This would have been a great time for a window that opens. I had no other choice but to abandon ship. After all, I didn't want to be caught at the scene of the crime. I took off down the hall for a visit with the corporate guy. We shot the shit for a while and ended up discussing our plans for lunch. He called the girl from the front of the office to join in the conversation since she was going for lunch as well. When she reached the door of my office it looked like she'd been kicked in the stomach. For a split second it looked like she was about to cry. Uh oh! I thought. The beast had escaped my office and was now roaming the hallway! The grimace on her face would have been hilarious if I wasn't so horrified that it was my smell that was causing it.

She finally made it to the corporate office. The smell was barely mentioned and we went on to discuss our options for lunch for a while. Phew! Looks like I dodged a bullet on that one. Afterwards I took a stroll down the hall to see if the coast was clear. It wasn't. It was as awful as ever.

At this point it became necessary to acknowledge that it smelled like crap, however I didn't admit to being the cause. I was frantically trying to find another source to blame it on but there was nothing! I finally came up with some lame excuse that it was coming from the offices next door. It was a weak excuse but it was all I could think of. I was dreading that some other poor soul was going to come in and be exposed to that butt demon. After about 20 minutes the the air had cleared and everything went back to normal.

This experience taught me a valuable lesson though. No more farting in the office! From now on it will be nothing but crop dusting for me.

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