Monday, October 15, 2007

It's Like Taking Candy From Babies!

I was reading a parent oriented site today and there was an article about having a candy-free Halloween.

Candy Free Halloween??

To me that's like trying to have turkey-less Thanksgiving, egg-less Easter and present-free Christmas.

Why do people feel the need to fuck with a perfectly good tradition in the name of raising a more perfect little Johnny or Susie?

Did these parent's experience some horrible side effect from eating candy at Halloween in their lives? Are they sporting a mouth full of dentures from too many Milk Duds when they were 10? Or could it be that they are just following the ultra healthy, mega safe child rearing trend that is trying to sap every ounce of fun from the lives of their children? I'd be willing to bet that the parents that are into candy-free Halloween are also probably the same ones who feel the need to schedule every minute of their children's days with dance lessons, swim lessons, baseball, youth clubs and "play dates".

Tangent time!

What the fuck is with the term "Play Date" anyway?! When I was a kid we had the same thing only it was called "Going over to your friends house for coffee". The only thing that makes it a "play date" is the fact that the friend also has a kid. "Play date" is nothing more than a politically correct term to make the parent feel like they are doing something specifically for their kid instead of facing the reality that they are dragging their kid along with them to visit their own friend. Your not fooling me, I know you're real motive!

Now back to candy-less Halloween.

What is so wrong with a kid enjoying a good old fashioned pile of candy to celebrate Halloween. You don't let the kid eat it all in one night! God forbid your kid should enjoy a treat. On this same parent site some of the parent proudly state that their kids have never had candy in their lives. "Way to go hero! Do you want a medal? Maybe you could become the awesome-est parent ever and deny your kid toys as well. You fucking, controlling freak!"

These "people" have attempted to bastardize the Halloween tradition by making up "fairys" who come and steal the kids hard earned candy in the middle of the night and replace it with a gift. This candy thieving spirit is known by several names including "The Sugar Fairy", "The Switch Witch" and "The Halloween Witch". I have a better name "The Mean Parent Witch Who Is Robbing Me Of Not Only My Candy But My Childhood."

What happens to the candy after the parent steals it? Do they eat it? Throw it out? No, no that can't be it. What would be the politically correct thing to do? What would enable them to boast about what a great person they are to anyone who will listen? I know! Give the candy to poor kids! That will definitely get the parents some extra getting-into-heaven points!

These kids are going to be so deprived of everything pleasurable growing up that once they leave home and become exposed to the pleasures that are available they are going to go into overload. They won't be able to control themselves! They are going to dive in to anything they can get their hands on. Congrats! You are raising the future crack heads of America!

I can only assume that these overly-cautious, over-protective, doting parents must have had a terrible youth. They must think their parents did a terrible job raising them. What with exposing them to serious harm by letting them have candy for Halloween and such. They seem to have a need to remove all of the things that I, personally, loved about being a kid. They don't let their kids out of the house/yard. They don't let their kids watch TV. They don't let their kids eat candy. I must have been some kind of fluke because I did all of these things and I turned into a healthy adult.

When I watch my kids dig into their Halloween booty this year, I'm going to enjoy it even more knowing that my kids are lucky to have parents who believe in letting kids enjoy the things that kids enjoy. My heart goes out to the poor kids who get robbed of their candy each Halloween.

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